Please don't, it's not worth it!
I know I can't do much, but please, PLEASE don't do the thing!

oh sweetie please no

the world can be terrible, but it can also be beautiful in equal measure. Please don't use a permanent solution to a temporary problem

I’m scared of how to react to this, you’re at such a volatile point, anything I say can make you want to end yourself. Reading this made me cry, and you’re one of my favourite artists. I want to say you should leave that family, as it seems they’ve brought you nothing but trouble. But I don’t have the life experience to know if that’s the right call.

I don’t want to see you gone, much less put a bullet in your head. And I don’t know if a simple “don’t give up” is going to suffice. I don’t know your money situation, but you need a break from everyone right now.

I'm sorry if I was getting upsetting but there's a lot to this and I'm just like, scrambled a bit mentally. I'm hoping to know more after the weekend and hopefully I can get my ass in check.

I do not know if that'd be the right call because of how dire the situation is. But yeah--I do need a "break" just so I can work consistently like I was again.

There's no need to apologize. I think it's better to vent these things in this way rather than in some more extreme ways.

I'm so sorry about everything you've had to endure, but the important thing is that you *have* endured, and I have no doubt you'll be able to continue enduring until something is able to be done to get you out of that situation. Sometimes the best thing we can do with these things is to keep holding on. Hold onto the things that bring you joy and hold on to them tight. Friends, art, games, whatever you may find joy in. Hold onto them and don't let go. Let those things be your life raft while you're trying to find your way to shore. We'll be here for you, waiting on that shore if not actively trying to pull you to the shore.

Please don't.

These people sound terrible. Do they have some kind of monetary hold on you? They sound like they're the primary source of these negative feelings, and like you need to get away from them.

I don't know how to respond, and I'm always afraid that something I might say may end up making things worse, but I do know that I don't want to see you gone, let alone in this much pain.
I wish I had more than just words to offer, but I do genuinely, with every ounce of my soul, want to see you in a better place. It's not for me to say what that is for you, but I know it's not waiting for you in those dark moments.
I really do hope that things can get better for you soon

My recommendation. Call a crisis hotline,988, it the lgbtq+friendly 1-866-488-7386, talk to them. Find a safe place and shut off your phone. Let it be someone else's problem for a while and take care of yourself right now.

it ain't like that at all, it's definitely on me

i had one person's life on my hands, now i have another

and no one else in the family is stepping up to bat

i've begged and been shut out so much so it might just be my time to go--might not be, either

who knows, i'm just self-destructing and burning enough bridges to convince myself it's okay to finally let go, who knows

I stand by what I said. You are allowing them to be bystanders and dismissing your own pain. Nobody will be better off by losing you this way. But you take some time to decompress, let them have the chance to step up. They are able.

Do not worry about what they think about you. Worry about how you feel right now and getting to a place where you can feel better about everything. It's not hopeless, this moment is exactly what will demand your family do better for both of you.

You gotta be able to help yourself before you can help others. That's nothing against your own abilities, but rather against those who're expecting you to take care of them when they likely know you're struggling yourself and doing nothing to help you.
They're being parasites.

I'll second Malebranche. Talk to someone. Reach out.

Put your own oxygen mask on first

This. You've done your part, hell, you've done more than most people in your extended family. You've been shouldering the responsibilities on your own, that's too much pressure on your mind and soul.
Call them. Talk to them over in the crisis hotline, let them listen and let them help you.

Don't give up on life. There's so much out there to see and to learn.

Just dump the family. They keep squeezing you and you literally owe them fucking nothing. Your parents birthed you because THEY decided they wanted a kid, you didn't ask to be made. It is what they wanted, you don't owe them for that. Having to raise you and feed you growing up was their legal obligation- you don't fucking owe them that, either.

So just dump them like hot trash, let them take care of their own fucking problems, you don't have to share shit with them. Literally what are they going to do? Kill you? You already don't want to live in their presence, so why would that matter? They either go psycho and kill you- you feel nothing because your dead anyway, they get theirs bent over in a prison shower. Or they don't do fuck all, and you are finally off the leash. It is win-win, either way.

Please don’t do this… we are always there for you ❤️❤️

I really feel this way too so you’re not alone

Please don’t give up on yourself, you’re a really talented and hard working person and I’d hate to see such awesome people deal with feeling low too 🫂🫂

I've just been informed by your name. I can't imagine what going your through right now. But try to take a break and seek out some mental health. Definitely try to call the crisis help line. Sending warm words to support 🫂

I've seen this before and I've also read acouple of your previous journals. I've told you what I think before as well and I'm not unique in telling you this is an extremely one-sided, manipulative, toxic as all get out family and the only thing you can reasonably do to stop living for these people is to leave.

They'll guilt trip you and make you feel like all the bad that happens is your fault, but it's not. They'll tell you they love you and will "have your back" but it's all lies to keep you around because you're useful to them. That's all. You need to go very far away and stop talking to them, it's never going to get better. Trust me.

I've seen really great people like you who were dragged into the pits of hell by people like your family. I told you this before and I stand by it. Run!! Take all that's your's and go very, very far away. Change your number and make a new life somewhere. You deserve so much better than this.

I do not know you but please, do not even think of doing something like that. There are things to live for out there; do not make a simple mistake like throwing it all away. We are all here for you.

I… I don’t know what to say. Nothing except… it’s not worth it. It’s not worth ending it all. My aunt was in a situation nearly IDENTICAL to yours (having to take my grandma and great grandma to hospital visits. Even one to Seattle). But, even though it was hard, even though her brother was a DIK, she endured. She may have watched them wither away, but they were in a better place. A much better one. And you know what, even though she feels the pain, she got through it.

Add to that how many people online care about you and your wellbeing (INCLUDING ME), it’s not worth it. We might not be by your side, but we care. Not trying to get all parasocial relationship on you, but its true. We care, I care, and we want you to be okay.

While dealing with the punches is the right thing to do at times, there are also times to let it all out. Tell your family that your done with it. It may not be 100% guaranteed, but if enough rocks are thrown at the wall, it will eventually break. They will realize what you went/go through. It may not be now, it may not be tomorrow, but they will.

You, as with many hear, acted as an inspiration for my art process, and, I know I can’t support you financially. Hell, maybe not even physically. But I’ll care about you. I’ll think about you. I’ll hope for you. It’s not much… but it’s honest work.

Please, don’t hurt yourself. It ain’t worth it.

Cringe white boy out.

I lost two cousins to suicide and it took its toll on me something fierce. I'm not saying life is great but it's better than the alternative. And suicide is a terrible alternative.

Ditch your family as soon as possible, don't even tell them where your going just get away from them.

Please don't
I am sorry you are suffering from an abusive family like that. In honestly you are better off leaving that family all together.

That is a very, very heavy load you've been given. Talk to someone, and if/when you can, walk away from those people and never look back.

i just started following you, but if you ever need to talk you can message me? even if its just to vent to someone on the outside. no strings attached <3 please try to be safe. people want you here. you are loved.

Don't seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don't do this to yourself.

At this rate, your grandma's eventual death might be the best gift from her to you. A decade ago I've been taking care of my own mother after all the treatments for her brain cancer have failed. Until that point in life she was insisting on me working for her without any pay while simultaneously telling me that I'll end up homeless and starving the instant she breathes her last. For ages I've been dreading the moment of her passing, but the instant she was gone, I've felt as if a heavy boot - one that I got so used to throughout the years that I've stopped noticing it - had been lifted off my neck.

Please try and outlive your tormentors - or even better, leave them alone with their own mess - and you will feel relieved like never before.

My mother was in a very similar situation with my own grandmother very recently. She was caretaker for several years and was met with nothing but abuse; as a final surprise my grandmother largely wrote my mother out of the will (dementia)

At one point in the process my mother needed to step away for her own well being, and I am grateful she did. If your choice is to step away, for your own safety, or end your own life, step away. It's going to feel horrible, as you're going against your own morals (and those morals are very strong as you've brought yourself this far) but fundamentally you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. This is not selfish, even if family says it is (and they will!)

I've seen this play out once before and it's very common with moral people. You've got to separate yourself. In my mothers case, she moved 500 miles away. Hopefully, that won't be necessary, but it's an option.

Best of luck. I know how hard it is.

Oh that bit with being denied the will is BULLSHIT, I'm really hoping that doesn't happen with this cos hotdamn.

Thing is that she and I even talked about rehab/convalescent home for temporary measures--she's the one who said, verbatim, "In case this is too much on you." However, when I actually researched some and asked questions, she went a full 180 and got angry, acting as if I was abandoning her or something.

So it's stuff like that. I'm sorry your mother had to deal with that too--but yeah, it's looking like a big trip is in order.

It's rough. As people age they want to retain the autonomy of their youth and don't realize, or want to realize, that it's gone. Discussions about housing/homes/etc are always terrible, because at end of life, especially nowadays where it's ofen extended by modern medicine, people require an enormous amount of care.

I wish I had an answer or better advice, or a solution, or something to tell you other than move if you need to. End of life care is an elephant in the room society seems very reluctant to address.

One other thing I observed: people will expect the quality of care you give them and always demand more. I think at that stage of life, the sort of natural thing where people hold back on requests (understanding the effects they have on others) goes away. Elders will demand more and more, perhaps not realizing the extent or harm of their demands. You need to trust your own, and only your own, judgement when it comes to setting a line in the sand for what you'll do, and stick to it. This'll draw ire and complaint, but I think it's necessary for any sort of stable relationship in a case like this. If it comes down to a written "this is what I'll do, and how often I'll visit," maybe that's the best solution.

Once again, best of luck. Please take my advice with a grain of salt. From what you've written so far, I think you're capable of threading the needle here.

YEAH okay, on what you said about expectations of quality of life and care--holding back on requests is a very important thing my other folks have been saying to me lately. My aunt distinctly informed me, "You're gonna have to say 'no' a lot and she's gonna be mad at you, but tough shit."

we'll try, thank you, hopefully we all just become atoms lol

Be there for your Mom in her last days...and then get the rest of those failures the fuck out of your life. Stop helping them, stop being there for them, stop enabling them,...just stop. Just cut them off and walk away, live for yourself.

That's the problem, I don't know if I have it in me to be the only one to caregive for her again, I was already taking care of her husband with NO one helping. I want the help, I need it, but it's not working.

I'll figure it out, I hope.

Take this from someone who's already been through this: Contact the local Hospice services in your area, and get her enrolled. Costs are usually covered by the state, and they can provide really helpful services. Like sending a RN out a couple times a week to check on her and help with the medications. Also having a home care aide come by several days a week to help feed/dress/clean her, especially if she's bedridden.

Got it all set up anyways--home health services only approved 10 visits (3 days a week at 15-minute intervals), which for someone like her is absolutely nothing because she is a VERY, very needy human being even without being sick.

Trying to apply for a 20-day swing bed program for rehabilitation; and, if necessary, a convalescent home (which I've called and confirmed they do work with CABG recoverees).

Just gotta play things by ear.

Hey, even a little progress and help is a step forward!

Good luck!!!

Hey, long time lurker and enjoyer of saggy boobs and your linework and the way you draw and your doe and a bunch of other stuff. I followed you for fluttershy long titty and never looked back. 10/10 great stuff it brings me joy.

Shit is rough and you are getting basically 0 in person support, I'd really like to just like. Add you on discord and send you pics of cool shit and memes. And let you bitch about the atrocious shit you have to deal with daily. A lot of that. I also have the power of I can doodle you stupid things and compare notes on fuckass family who does nothing and sucks, since I also have that going on and am currently at ground zero for dealing with both awful medical things AND my folks being wretched.

Not gonna solve any of your ongoing problems but I at least know some fraction of the bullshit and can relate? Gently holds my hand out flat with a sugarcube on it and tears in my eyes??? Hope this helps??

Firstly thanks, my dumb art stuff is just, me. If I don't have it, I'm no longer me. So I'm glad you like, heart.

Second of all, don't worry about it; just lemme do my thing and occasionally bitch on it cos we're only humans and we gotta get it out of our systems. I hope for the better soon.

You'll get through this. I know it's not much, but... you deserve to get through this. No one should have to go through what you're going through right now. Not even you. You're stronger than you think, friend.

You need to rip off the bandaid, and just leave this situation that you know is morally perverse. Don't say anything, just go and never look back. You will find real family when you draw the line and take your life back.

You are a beautiful person who was dealt the shittiest hand of cards in life and whenever you drew a new one you kept getting shitty ones. But you need to understand that there are good ones in the deck too, and now there is a bigger-than-ever chance that it can only get better for you from here. Me among many other people have already told you, but I’ll tell you again.
Based on what you’ve written in these journals so far… You have done more than you should’ve to help out the shitty family that never respected or loved you enough. You have already sacrificed much more for them than what they deserve. You put all of their lives above yours in importance, and you got nothing in return except for more pain an suffering. If you wish to escape from this hellish cycle, then you must act now. You can’t keep ignoring the fact that you need to get away from that “family” right now, and go be with those who actually love you and care about you. There must be a friend who’d be willing to give you shelter and help you get back on your feet until you start a new life.. or rather, your own life which you never got to live because of these horrible people who have leeched off of you just because you are blood-related. You need to step out of this pit of poison and get to a safe space where you can find and be with people who love and accept you for who you are. There is no other option. You have to stop feeding those who keep hurting you.

It's been too many occasions of "He/she/they are hurting and their life is in your hands" the past couple years, so it's been exceptionally impossible to up and leave. The big reason for why it was so bad with chemo was because they made it to where I couldn't get help, telling me and others in the family "don't bother them, Kane's got this."

I want to make sure they're safe, because a coronary bypass surgery isn't some shit you just walk off from. This, again, is IF my mom can get out of the ICU, but it being a full-time job is probably beyond my control.

I'm literally out of ideas outside of getting her into rehab and a convalescent home, or straight up ditching everyone at the worst possible time for them (I really wouldn't be able to stomach myself if I did, I fear).

How could you possibly be unable to forgive yourself for ditching someone who (by the sounds of it) probably hasn’t done anything but exploit you for so many years now? You are being way too hard on yourself, you deserve to be free from these shackles that greedy and selfish people have put on you.
If you really have no ideas, then that “getting her into rehab and a convalescent home” option sounds like a decent choice.
You truly owe them nothing.

I also don’t understand why you just went along with them telling you to “not bother anyone”. You have the right to ask for help! You can’t solve every problem alone. But you’ve done way more than enough to try and solve this one by yourself. Stop straining yourself to the point where you’re about to break.

Yeah, it's just crazy how aggressive they could get over minor disagreements. The fact it added up so much was insane. On one hand, I dunno how I'm gonna cope with yet another major death this soon after my pa, because I have always cared for them despite everything. I just hate how each time has led me to dislike them from how much work they were to keep alive at the end.

It's gonna be weird. We'll see.

It will feel absolutely horrible because you spent so much of your precious time on them. But you shouldn’t feel bad or harm yourself over that. You deserve more respect both from others and yourself. Please. Give yourself a chance at a better life. I know you can make it happen, if you just let go of all these horrible people, and reach out for help in the right places with the right people. I told you I believe in you, and I still do.

Yeah, I need to give myself a better chance cos I was finally getting back into the swing of things, working overtime sometimes with my business; it took some time to recover financially and mentally (and physically) from chemotherapy I was taking my pa to, and I'll recover from this as well once there's an end in sight.

Thank you

You're welcome.

Don't do this, please, call a hotline immediately and get the help you need, and as for your family, screw them, you are not responsible for their actions or mistakes they made. Let them suffer the consequences of their own actions, while you can focus on yourself and getting better.

Don't do it! We're here to help you through this!

988 on the phone, mate; they have a lot of free help they could offer and link you to.

Bro do not be doing this man! You need to get the hell out of where you are and never look back at them! Please do not end it all!

Please don't.

So, let me put this in a slightly different manner:

You're holding a thing. Tightly.

This thing. It hurts you. Badly. It pierces into your flesh and consumes you slowly. Bit by bit. Day by day.

It is not kind, it does not care. There's a good chance it might even delight in your suffering, should it even feel.

It WILL kill you if you continue to hold it.

In fact, it has brought you to despair several times over the agony it inflicts.

Yet, you hold on.

You hold on so desperately, like you would die without it.

Though the truth is VERY different, this thing has blinded you to it:

Without you, IT will die. It will starve, misshapen and forgotten. Yet, it is eating you.

No matter what road it takes: convincing you to further embrace it or driving you to despair finally, it dies, all the same. Soon after you.

Would it not be worth trying to let it go?

Yes, it would hurt. Yes, you would bleed.

Yet, you would heal.

No matter what happens to that thing, you would heal.

Also, you are not responsible for the consequences of a lifetime of poor health decisions. You did not make those choices; they were not yours to make.

I won't tell you not to take care of your mother, but you cannot be at fault for how she lived her life.

Just a different viewpoint to look from, should you wish.

See I'll happily agree with this logic. I know I would heal from it because I have after having lost someone before. I'm only conflicted because this is in such a horribly crucial moment in life, following a major surgery. She's at her most vulnerable, and now's the time I finally stand up? It's almost pathetic of me, but then I realize everything I've done on my own since this point, without others' help.

I cannot tell you how horrible I'll feel if she doesn't make it out of the ICU--but it's also just, like, her time. Then again, she may live for another 10 years without many complications--I just kinda don't wanna be around to see it either way.

That you can see the logic means there's hope yet. Good.

If it's her time, that's really all there is to it.

I get feeling bad, but you really did do your best and then some. Certainly nobody else fucking did, from your telling.

I think I've said this before, but you don't choose the time, it just happens. You've had enough and one way or another, the consequences will be felt.

I just hope they result in you being much happier.

You deserve that and more, I believe.

I know I'm just text in the scheme of things, but I'm text that's rooting for ya.

Absolutely not--even as we speak, her own two sons aren't even up there either. One of em's across the road hunting deer RIGHT now. Like could that not have waited? So now I just see that as like...wow, only I have ever cared, and it's always been on me. I feel broken if that makes any sense in the slightest--as in, a short-circuited kinda broken. Like, as in it's ridiculously absurd to the point where I don't think this is real anymore lmao.

I appreciate it, however. I, too, am rooting for me for once. I'm sick

More sense than you could even guess.

Hang in there. There's more for you out there yet.

Thank you for the added nuance and empathy with this take.

Dullvivid. It's reassuring to see you still working this out with folk here. Be safe.

Sometimes, all you need is to see things from a different perspective.

I'm not the best at this sort of thing, but I'll help if I can, y'know?

I'ma take this and save it. This is powerful stuff.

You sound held prisoner, pally.

Dull, venting is indeed a healthy option, necessary in fact.
But do not, repeat... NOT end your life. There are still people
here on FA who still value you & hold you in high regards...myself included.

How can I help?

What can I do to help you?

The fact that you're reminded on a daily basis that your family is... well, shit. You are more than just the underdog in your story. The last couple journals you've posted, you've had dozens of folks wanting to support you and your endeavors.

I know donating is still a thing, but Is there anything I can do to help?

The most I can ask right now is for peeps to just, y'know, listen. I don't know what's coming--I know that either way it won't be pretty. We'll just play it by ear.

Thank you

Start apartment hunting and get your own place. Those people are adults, they can damn well handle their own debts, you're over 18 and you aren't their wallet. You're getting played for a sucker, and likely getting mocked behind your back.

Don't talk with them about moving out, don't let on that you're going to do so. Once you find a place, move out quietly. After you're settled into your new place, tell them to figure their shit out, and take care of yourself, they can pay their own damn bills. Break ties for a while and focus on healing mentally and physically.

Once you're in your own place, if you're still drinking booze, then work on tapering off from that once you feel safe in your new environment, and finding a balance of work, personal life, etc.

Optionally cut all contact with those people. Maybe get a new phone number, and if you feel up to it, try contacting them again after something like half a year to a year.

But you can't heal or recover from that mess while you're still in the middle of it. it sounds like you getting out of that situation is the healthiest thing for everyone involved.

Don't die for those people. They don't deserve that sort of control over you. And if nothing else, then live and try to lead a good healthy life to piss them off.

I'm gonna HAVE to decide to get out cos I've always taken care of them since graduating highschool and getting into college, so the caregiving only evolved from there--it hurts cos I always LITERALLY cared for them.

By the sound of it you need to cut your entire blood family out of your life at this point cause they're bleeding you dry. Spiritually and financially. If you can find a way to escape their vile bullshit do it. Jesus crust. The friends you mentioned are the only family you should be caring about now.

I hope things get better or you get out of there. Don't kill yourself.