I don't normally like doing this, but I needed to let it out someplace

I've been struggling with depression for the last month or more. It's been a lifelong issue for me, but it's really begun to wear me down recently. It's been a hard year, with family members passing and work becoming increasingly stressful with lack of support. I've wanted to quit for months but it's the best paying job I've ever had and I don't want the stress of job hunting on my plate too right now.

I am exhausted every day, and I keep losing sleep, which is wearing down my physical health. These things come in waves for me so I'm trying to ride it out but it's just been awful. I feel like I'm falling behind everywhere. I can't keep up with friends and I feel like I'm slipping away and the loneliness is crushing me.

I haven't been able to put words on paper for over a month. I can barely put together a coherent idea to actually work on, and I don't have the energy or focus to work on the ideas I do have. I have an idea for a Coyote story, if I can figure out the second half, but if I'm being honest I don't want to pour energy into writing a story that won't get read

I try to tell myself to open up more about my mental health but I hate it. I know I give off the impression of being collected and easygoing but I'm not. I'm always barely holding on. But I mask it because the way I was raised I was chastised for ever showing "bad" emotions. I feel like a failure if I can't have on a happy face when someone needs me. Even now I'm not actually opening up because I already feel bad enough for doing this much.

But I'll be okay. I just need more tape to keep it together