Like a caterpillar encased in a cocoon, I slumber at the beginning of my journey. This identity of mine is a relic of the past, someone whom which I am no longer. Let all the agony of this face wash away and be forgotten, as I enter a new chapter of my life. New me, new art, new progress, new connections.

When will my metamorphosis reach completion? I'm not sure. There's no way to predict that, after all.

For now, consider this account to be truly dead. Like the scales of a serpent, I shed it for something new, something fresh, something more fitting.

It's been an interesting few years, but it's time to move on. It hasn't been fun.

Who will I be when I wake up? Nobody knows, not even myself. It may be days, weeks, months, or even years. Eventually, I will return anew, unrecognizable from my past.

See you then.

Ho Ho Ho from yours truly who never uploads anymore!

Now that the counter's been incremented by one point, let's see what the new year holds, shall we?

Another year came and went, eh? Funny how time flies.

See you at the ball!

Already that time of year, huh? Be sure to spread the Christmas cheer!

Ah, that good ol' American holiday. Say what you will about it, but I personally enjoy festivities, and acknowledge the historical significance of the day. May the sky light up in a brilliant display!

Happy Independence day!

What a year this has been. It feels strange, looking back on it now. When I created this account, I was a very different person. Foolish, inexperienced, immature... I'm glad to have taken his place. He was a real nuisance, y'know? I still feel embarrassed about the past...

Anyway, 3 years. It's unfortunate to see how my legacy crashed and burned, but at least it's been 3 years. Those 3 years felt so agonizingly slow, but now they feel so short in retrospect. Funny how our perception of time works...

As for future plans, I have no idea. Things seem to have hit a dead end. Perhaps I'll become some sort of guru people can ask for advice from, or maybe I'll jump ship and start something better. I'm not a fortune-reader.

As for you reading this, I'm sorry you had to put up with my nonsense. Let's see if it gets better from here, shall we?

(I may edit this in the future to add, change, or remove more anecdotes. I never was good at remembering everything to say.)

If you do not have a beloved mother, you have my condolences. If you do have a beloved mother, you have my joy, and you also have my wish that you will give said mother plenty of love on this fine day!

I've seen some wholesome dommy mommy stuff on here today, which did give me a little chuckle. All in good taste, right? A big loving snuggle buddy to hold you in her arms and nurture you :3

But above all, it's a time to share love, and appreciate those maternal figures who generate your life and (hopefully) work hard to support it. Go on and enjoy some happiness with your female parent!

A good time to spend time with family and remind yourself of the good things in life.

So what are you waiting for? Have fun!

Happy late saint patricks day yesterday lol.
Yesterday was so hectic that I forgot!

My awful drawing skills weren't just because of poor skill or practice. It was recently confirmed that there are indeed some things permanently wrong with me. Very wrong.

Among the things it impacts, drawing is one of them.

I guess I do feel somewhat vindicated, knowing that my efforts weren't vain because of stupidity, but that's where it ends.

This whole time, I thought I was simply inept, or I just needed to stabilize my nervous system, or something like that...
I was wrong. So, so badly wrong.

I'm not sure if I'll upload anything ever again. Maybe, maybe not, but a consistent schedule with requests and all that are dead in the water.

My apologies for any squandered hope you may have placed in me. Place it elsewhere more rewarding.

2023, huh? I'll be sure to keep my expectations low this time. Had a nice little crash-and-burn at the end, and my mental state is in the shitter. Blah blah blah, you already know this, I've complained about it all of 2022, and I'm sure you're tired of it. Let's just hope things improve.

Feel free to talk to me about anything, and have a good one.

If you have a loving family and/or circle of friends to visit and spend time with, then I recommend you do. Good family, blood or found, is important.

If you don't have a loving family or friend group... Well, I hope you'll be alright. You're welcome to talk to me if you don't.

They're cute, they're fluffy, they're cuddly, but there's just...

Nothing bad happened to me, but I recently learned of the... history, regarding how the creator was stingy and all that. I feel on edge in that regard, like a target has been painted on my back. As of now, I am done with them, unless something changes in the future. This isn't some bitter rant, but rather my defeat.

So, roleplays and such regarding them, I won't immediately terminate. However, once they're finished and wrapped up, that's it.

Sorry, everyone. I just don't want something bad happening.

Yes, you already know the drill, I'm losing my mind, go figure. However, this is something new.

For context, I am a reverse sadist. If you don't know, a sadist is someone who derives pleasure and satisfaction from witnessing or causing the pain and suffering of others. Therefore, a reverse sadist is someone who derives pleasure and satisfaction from the joy, comfort, and pliss of others. Now, that's not the primary reason I try to help people, but it's more like an auxiliary motivation, which doubles as a resistor. That's how I can keep taking on other people's issues, and not be overwhelmed by it, because it actually invigorates me.

However, that's been more difficult recently. I've been less able to help due to various factors, more problems plague my relationships, I've seen multiple people crumble apart much like I have, like a statue being doused in corrosive acid.

I cannot handle this much longer. I want my friends back, I want my life back, I want my mind back, and I want the ability to re-write my past, to erase the foolish mistakes that my past iterations committed, the pain I have accidentally inflicted unto others, and the increasingly incoherent ramblings about my decaying health, which I am unable to stop. I wish that CR would manifest in real life, and be my catharsis; my vessel to go and help people, to keep me sane. I did fashion him after the good aspects of my being, after all.

As for any of those friends, although I will keep you anonymous for the sake of courtesy, if any of you are reading this at all, I'm sorry you have to put up with my deterioration, the mad ramblings of someone stuck in a lifeless limbo. I just want to help, comfort, and soothe in any way I can, even as I'm falling apart. I want this anxiety to cease it's consumption of my life.

Present with 3-frame dances, claymation, and Danny Elfman working his magic.

Recently, I've been so stressed, anxious, and spiteful of my artistic ineptitude, but something occurred to me.

Was it really necessary?

Don't get me wrong, I'd still like to improve my skills somehow, but I'm thinking back to why some people stuck with my art, despite it looking like an 8-year-old messed around in microsoft paint. Perhaps they enjoyed how simplistic it was, I'm not sure.

Regardless, I think I should just return to that. If I can't rise up, then I can at least make do with what I have.

Sorry about the constant mental deterioration, it must be exhausting to sit through. I promise I'll make it up if you put art requests in the comments, as long as it's something I can draw, and if I have the time.

I realized that I have been compensating for my inability to develop talent, and only just now noticed. Allow me to explain.

As you may know, my permanently abysmal artistic and literary skills have caused me immeasurable torment, especially when the impressive skills of others have driven that point further. Not that it's the fault of these people.

I suppose as compensation, I have tried to befriend those that I saw as superior to me. Perhaps it was to touch that impossible field of impressive talent, I'm not sure. Don't worry, it's not the primary reason I befriend people, just a driving factor.

I'm not really sure how to feel about this, to be honest. It's given me the distinct impression that I have become a sort of limiter or burdening factor for these superior individuals. I will refrain from naming said individuals, as I am very strict about personal and interpersonal privacy.

If anyone if these superior individuals does get around to reading this, then I apologize for the difficulties I may have caused you.

Amidst all my anguish and all my suffering, drowning in the sea of mental illness, I have discovered something more pleasant than I previously thought. Something I neglected to appreciate before.

The melodic flow of the conductor, the swinging tempo of the orchestra, and the beauty of what results of that harmony. Bach, Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart, Debussy, Satie, all these composers and musicians have provided some of the most beautiful pieces that I have ever heard. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a lot of more modern music, it's just that I have a newfound appreciation for this more formal composition.



In other words, I didn't feel like posting yet another journal about why my deteriorating mental state has kept me from drawing, and why I've often not had the energy to roleplay. Instead, I elected to just share my insight on classical music instead, just to make this more bearable to read.

For some of you, this may be very random and out of the blue. For others, you will know exactly what I'm talking about. Either way, I really needed to get this out there, and I really hope that all of you see this, especially people I'm in contact with.

I haven't been well for some time. Well, I haven't been in good condition for a long time, but it's gotten especially bad as of late. One of the reasons is that I've been exhibiting more symptoms of psychosis, and my ability to think rationally, as well as my ability to socially connect with others, have diminished. If you're in at least semi-regular contact with me, or even may call me a friend, please please please persist, and start conversations more, because I am too afraid of causing an issue. This is my plea for help, please please please do not ignore it.

You don't have to treat me with caution like I'm made of glass, but please just take charge of things and make the initiative to talk to me first. Whatever I had in me a couple years earlier has been depleted.

For some of you, this probably doesn't apply, so you don't have to read this. Well, nobody has to read this, but you know what I mean.

As for people I do regularly talk to, I've been kind of losing my mind trying to figure out a social puzzle. I would constantly run into the same wall of upsetting someone or being left unanswered, left with questions and no answers on why that was the case.

It's agonizing to fail again and again at this, constantly feeling that I'm annoying, upsetting, or pushing away someone I just want to have good standing with. It often feels as though I'm just a lower priority in someone's circle. Though, I'm very convinced that's my fault.

If you're reading this, you know me, and recognize this sort of thing, don't feel guilty. I'm not saying this to throw blame or put you down, I just felt too cowardly saying this directly.



Importantly, I'm not looking for pity, or to be included in something out of politeness. I need answers to the riddle, solutions to the puzzle. It's no fun being stuck on a puzzle that harms you with every failure. Whether you just want to give advice, or you're someone I struggle with, any feedback is welcome. I have the social aptitude of a rotten watermelon, so this direct feedback is literally my only way to figure it out.

My art has not improved over time. It's as basic and awful as ever, except I now fully realize and acknowledge that. My attempts to improve have failed, and I actually feel agitated by what I draw. I would just shut down this gallery entirely, but someone in particular begged me not to give up. So, the lack of uploads will probably go on for a while longer, maybe months, maybe a year, for my drawings at least. You can give me gift art and I'll post it, but that's it.

Sorry, everyone.

Now go spend time with your family

Sorry for going silent again. My mental health is at an all-time low, and my depression has worsened. I've also felt isolated and unwelcome, growing envious of others and their communities/friendships/connections/skills. As for what I have, I feel anxious and tense, constantly fearing that I'm upsetting them or being an annoyance. This was made worse when someone recently hurt me emotionally.

Because of some of these issues, I might to try to make a second account. If I do, I'm not going to abandon or neglect this one, since the second account would just be a more private alt for my more private interests.

I don't expect sympathy, this is just an apology and update why I haven't been doing much this time.

Edit: I know you all insist on showing me sympathy anyway. I do legitimately appreciate that, but I feel extremely selfish about it, a feeling that's personally unbearable. What do I do?