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11 years ago
General
To those it may concern, I was absent from all contact for the last week. I am giving you an update. What i tell you is not for sympathy and any comments will be removed. If you have something to ask me or tell me, use a note.
On December 1st at approximately 9PM (EST) I took a large number of fluoxetine pills that were meant for my depression. I took over 4 times the lethal dose, so i was fairly certain it was curtains. Somehow, I woke up the next morning and my father took me to the emergency room. It took a while, but they purged what was left out of my system and admitted me to their behavioral health unit. While i was there, i was under constant suicide watch and had all personals removed.
Soon i was informed that one of the two anti depressant meds i was on had a side effect that could raise anxiety and the other had long since stopped working. Between the two, school, and friends, It was enough to cause the meltdown it did.
I was in there for a week and took the opportunity to research depression and anxiety as much as I could. A lot of the information was extremely helpful and allowed me to start recovering. Slowly my opinion on myself started to changed.
For the past 20years of my life (all of it) I have considered myself worthless. A being that was lower than the shit i flushed down the toilet. I was unworthy of happiness. Anytime someone talked to me, it was because they felt pity, not because they actually wanted to talk to me. Some of you have experienced this with me constantly apologizing or asking if i am bothering you. Anyone that was my friend was just pretending. I also had extreme double standards for myself including it was not okay for me to make mistakes, enjoy myself, or even be gay. This went along with everything including why I would never accept compliments about me or about my stories.
Only in this past week have I started actually thinking of myself as a person. Viewing myself as a person made my double standards crumble, because i would never ask that of someone else. With those falling apart, i started to believe that i could reach happiness and maybe even deserved to.
I am still very far off from being completely okay. I would still be in the hospital if my insurance hadn't deemed me "healthy enough" to refuse to extend my stay. The negative thoughts are still there and might always be, but i have a plan for recovery and will stick to it. It includes new medicine, weekly meetings with a therapist and even possibly injections further down the road (medical, not recreational).
To end this, I would like to apologize to everyone. I have been lying to you this entire time. I was extremely unhappy, but would put on a smile and say I was fine. Many of you offered help, but I would promptly refuse it. Honesty has always been one of the most important things to me, and I was not living by it.
I also want to apologize to those close to me. What i did was extremely selfish. I cannot even recall my exact thought process, except that I truly could see no other choice. I saw it as removing a sickly wart from an otherwise healthy person, the wart being myself. I saw suicide as the only and best option. My mind was in a very dark place, one that I hope i will never see again. So once again, I am sorry.
Now to the point you actually care about. What will happen to Buck?
Buck will change a bit. His design will remain, but his fur changing will be changed. I honestly feel happier than I have ever felt in my life, and since Buck is me, it will undoubtedly be reflected in him. With this happiness comes a growing confidence that I never had before, making fur changing on confidence level obsolete. I will change my profile when i feel he is in a nice place. The attempted suicide will be made canon, mostly as a reminder to me where i was at one point and to make sure i never slip back there again.
Thank you all for reading.
On December 1st at approximately 9PM (EST) I took a large number of fluoxetine pills that were meant for my depression. I took over 4 times the lethal dose, so i was fairly certain it was curtains. Somehow, I woke up the next morning and my father took me to the emergency room. It took a while, but they purged what was left out of my system and admitted me to their behavioral health unit. While i was there, i was under constant suicide watch and had all personals removed.
Soon i was informed that one of the two anti depressant meds i was on had a side effect that could raise anxiety and the other had long since stopped working. Between the two, school, and friends, It was enough to cause the meltdown it did.
I was in there for a week and took the opportunity to research depression and anxiety as much as I could. A lot of the information was extremely helpful and allowed me to start recovering. Slowly my opinion on myself started to changed.
For the past 20years of my life (all of it) I have considered myself worthless. A being that was lower than the shit i flushed down the toilet. I was unworthy of happiness. Anytime someone talked to me, it was because they felt pity, not because they actually wanted to talk to me. Some of you have experienced this with me constantly apologizing or asking if i am bothering you. Anyone that was my friend was just pretending. I also had extreme double standards for myself including it was not okay for me to make mistakes, enjoy myself, or even be gay. This went along with everything including why I would never accept compliments about me or about my stories.
Only in this past week have I started actually thinking of myself as a person. Viewing myself as a person made my double standards crumble, because i would never ask that of someone else. With those falling apart, i started to believe that i could reach happiness and maybe even deserved to.
I am still very far off from being completely okay. I would still be in the hospital if my insurance hadn't deemed me "healthy enough" to refuse to extend my stay. The negative thoughts are still there and might always be, but i have a plan for recovery and will stick to it. It includes new medicine, weekly meetings with a therapist and even possibly injections further down the road (medical, not recreational).
To end this, I would like to apologize to everyone. I have been lying to you this entire time. I was extremely unhappy, but would put on a smile and say I was fine. Many of you offered help, but I would promptly refuse it. Honesty has always been one of the most important things to me, and I was not living by it.
I also want to apologize to those close to me. What i did was extremely selfish. I cannot even recall my exact thought process, except that I truly could see no other choice. I saw it as removing a sickly wart from an otherwise healthy person, the wart being myself. I saw suicide as the only and best option. My mind was in a very dark place, one that I hope i will never see again. So once again, I am sorry.
Now to the point you actually care about. What will happen to Buck?
Buck will change a bit. His design will remain, but his fur changing will be changed. I honestly feel happier than I have ever felt in my life, and since Buck is me, it will undoubtedly be reflected in him. With this happiness comes a growing confidence that I never had before, making fur changing on confidence level obsolete. I will change my profile when i feel he is in a nice place. The attempted suicide will be made canon, mostly as a reminder to me where i was at one point and to make sure i never slip back there again.
Thank you all for reading.
I actually ran into the file this summer, about 8 years later. I was able to read it and understand where I was, and how I am not there any more. I hope that you too get to look back again several years in the future, and be able to sympathize with who you were then and grow because of it.