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dear mom
12 years ago
General
you fucking infuriate me. you say you love me so much and i am the best thing that has ever happened to you yet you treat me like dirt. you mention my self-harm in public and you think you have the right to walk over me. just because i'm younger than you does not mean that i am inferior to you.
i am scared of you. i don't know what you will say to me next. i always feel like you're going to hit me or abuse me in some way and it terrifies me to the point i don't like to come down stairs or do anything by myself.
you baby me, and you don't let me be independent. you tell me i am too lazy and i need to take charge for myself but when i try you get mad and you have hit me before and this is why i do not trust people. i always come to you for things because i do not feel like i can do things myself.
you make jokes about self-harm to my face and get angry when i tell you not to, then you retaliate with 'i have had children who died at birth, do you think it's funny when you say 'i'm dead' when i ask you if you got home safe?' yeah, i do- because it's obvious i haven't died if i responded to you. telling me i don't need to self-harm because the cat will do it for me is insensitive and is not funny.
i'm scared to talk to you because you won't let me. i try and you get angry before i can start. you disregard everything i want to say to you and you tell me it's a phase. you still call me bisexual, especially to your friends. i have no interest in men. i'm straight.
you scare me and i don't feel safe in my own home because you are around. i have never wished death on somebody so much as i have you, because you terrify me and make me feel like i want to die. you don't make me feel happy and you don't make me feel wanted when you say 'you're the best thing that's ever happened to me'.
i never feel safe any more.
i never did.