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She's got one, why don't I give it a try?
14 years ago
General
So this is obviously my first blog on here. No idea what I'm gonna say or how I'm gonna feel about it. I'll probly think faster than I can type so I may make NO sense whatsoever. But eh, who cares. I'm just writing this to write it. It makes her feel better (well maybe) maybe it will help me to. So yeah, just gonna ramble about my feelings for a while and see how I feel
First thing I kinda want to mention is my mixed emotions in the last month or so. Got really depressive after the girl that I liked friend zoned me. Not too shocking. But it just kept going. I couldn't get out of the slump. It wasn't like there was anything I wanted or was looking for, I was just depressed. No idea why. And that made it worse. Whenever I don't know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling it always makes it worse. I couldn't cry about it either. I would just sort of wallow in my own self-pity with no way of expressing the emotion. Luckily that ended (for the most part) when I went to the football game. One of the greatest experiences of my life. That got my mood up, and then the exercising afterward kept me in a good mood. Really thought I was back on track.
Then it hit me again. Just started feeling down. It was different than before though. Before I was just upset for no reason. But lately I'm wanted something. I've just wanted one thing: to be someones puppy. I just want to curl up in someones lap and have them fiddle with my hair for an hour or so. Just have them hold me and take care of my and let everything in this world go away. I have a particular person I want to do that too...but it will never happen. Not once. He would talk to me again if I asked...but i've already told him too much. Im hanging out with him for the first time in months tonight and I want things to go the way they were before. Back when we were roomates and we could talk about anything for hours on end. Thats over though...
On another note I think I'll make a number thing like she does. #1 being my ex, #2 being my old roommate and #3 being her...I don't know how shell feel about me writing this though. Technically I'm her #5, but I don't feel important to her anymore. I was probly too excited when she gave me a number. It made me feel like I helped her so much, but now I feel useless in her life. Being 1000s of miles away makes it impossible for me to help her, really. I don't blame her for this. Skyping has lost its luster, which is why we don't do it anymore. She seems much to down to email me (once again I don't blame her for this) I mean, we have only known each other online and I don't suppose it should really matter that much. What was I expecting anyway? Of course it could be my fault too. I'm always afraid to talk to her cause she may get tired of me, or she already is. Did piss her off to no end a little while ago without meaning too...Hell, if she sees this it may piss her off too. I guess I just miss her emails? I miss being mentioned in her twitter and her blog? but thats stupid. I don't expect her to post about me. I really don't. and I don't want her to feel obligated too if she reads this...I guess I just feel like were going apart from what we used to be.
On a COMPLETELY opposite note, I've been wanting to be rather feminine lately. Realized this is my I agrue whether I should grow my hair out or not. If its long I feel more feminine. I look like shit with long hair though. So I really don't know what to do about that. Probly end of leaving it short. 3 was talking about getting me nail polish and sending it to me XD Not gonna lie, I would love to spend one night putting that on and watching MLP or something. Sounds stupid, but sometimes i just want to do something girly. May also be my problem with why I want to be someones puppy. I'm never fully vulnerable. I can never just put my guard completely down and let everything fully affect me the way I want it to. But in a way I'm ALWAYS vulnerable. My mood is affected so much by stupid things such as if I'm doing well on a video game. My ego is way to affected by these things. I mean, feeling stupid and pointless because both my roommates are better than me at Mortal Kombat? That doesn't even make sense.
Anyway, think I'm gonna leave it there. Bout to start drinking with 2...I can't decide if I WANT to do something stupid like start cuddling with him, or if I'm afraid I'll do it. I suppose I keep my lid pretty well when I'm drinking, and I don't plan on drinking THAT much. We'll just have to wait and see how things go. I don't expect anything to happen though...
First thing I kinda want to mention is my mixed emotions in the last month or so. Got really depressive after the girl that I liked friend zoned me. Not too shocking. But it just kept going. I couldn't get out of the slump. It wasn't like there was anything I wanted or was looking for, I was just depressed. No idea why. And that made it worse. Whenever I don't know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling it always makes it worse. I couldn't cry about it either. I would just sort of wallow in my own self-pity with no way of expressing the emotion. Luckily that ended (for the most part) when I went to the football game. One of the greatest experiences of my life. That got my mood up, and then the exercising afterward kept me in a good mood. Really thought I was back on track.
Then it hit me again. Just started feeling down. It was different than before though. Before I was just upset for no reason. But lately I'm wanted something. I've just wanted one thing: to be someones puppy. I just want to curl up in someones lap and have them fiddle with my hair for an hour or so. Just have them hold me and take care of my and let everything in this world go away. I have a particular person I want to do that too...but it will never happen. Not once. He would talk to me again if I asked...but i've already told him too much. Im hanging out with him for the first time in months tonight and I want things to go the way they were before. Back when we were roomates and we could talk about anything for hours on end. Thats over though...
On another note I think I'll make a number thing like she does. #1 being my ex, #2 being my old roommate and #3 being her...I don't know how shell feel about me writing this though. Technically I'm her #5, but I don't feel important to her anymore. I was probly too excited when she gave me a number. It made me feel like I helped her so much, but now I feel useless in her life. Being 1000s of miles away makes it impossible for me to help her, really. I don't blame her for this. Skyping has lost its luster, which is why we don't do it anymore. She seems much to down to email me (once again I don't blame her for this) I mean, we have only known each other online and I don't suppose it should really matter that much. What was I expecting anyway? Of course it could be my fault too. I'm always afraid to talk to her cause she may get tired of me, or she already is. Did piss her off to no end a little while ago without meaning too...Hell, if she sees this it may piss her off too. I guess I just miss her emails? I miss being mentioned in her twitter and her blog? but thats stupid. I don't expect her to post about me. I really don't. and I don't want her to feel obligated too if she reads this...I guess I just feel like were going apart from what we used to be.
On a COMPLETELY opposite note, I've been wanting to be rather feminine lately. Realized this is my I agrue whether I should grow my hair out or not. If its long I feel more feminine. I look like shit with long hair though. So I really don't know what to do about that. Probly end of leaving it short. 3 was talking about getting me nail polish and sending it to me XD Not gonna lie, I would love to spend one night putting that on and watching MLP or something. Sounds stupid, but sometimes i just want to do something girly. May also be my problem with why I want to be someones puppy. I'm never fully vulnerable. I can never just put my guard completely down and let everything fully affect me the way I want it to. But in a way I'm ALWAYS vulnerable. My mood is affected so much by stupid things such as if I'm doing well on a video game. My ego is way to affected by these things. I mean, feeling stupid and pointless because both my roommates are better than me at Mortal Kombat? That doesn't even make sense.
Anyway, think I'm gonna leave it there. Bout to start drinking with 2...I can't decide if I WANT to do something stupid like start cuddling with him, or if I'm afraid I'll do it. I suppose I keep my lid pretty well when I'm drinking, and I don't plan on drinking THAT much. We'll just have to wait and see how things go. I don't expect anything to happen though...
