2022-02-11

I've been hurting. I've been thinking.
I've been healing, I've been mending.
Problems piling up faster than they can be solved.
My mental state so damaged, I don't know what to think.
A sudden, but unnoticed absence I've taken from the world.
In the midst of this absence, I write these thoughts of mine.
I've been pushed to this point by the ruthlessness of life.
The harder I try, the more difficult things become.
I have no control, and I feel like life is rigged.
Constant thoughts about leaving it all. No one would notice.
I've been gone for years and they haven't noticed yet.
A couple weeks later, those problems are subsiding, just a bit.
But another thing that has pushed me to this point is on my mind.
How so many that were close to me have walked out on me.
I've felt so abandoned. One after another have left.
Another one just a few months ago. No explanation. Just gone.
I've been lost. I've been confused.
When I keep recieving this treatment, I know it has to be me who has caused it.
But I try everything, and it is all for naught.
The one's that are still "around" seem to want nothing to do with me either, yet another nail in the coffin.
I do not blame them. I just needed to step away.
I need to think about what friendship is. Is it even worth having?
I shut off my internet, I've blocked myself away from everyone.
Even words to my own mother, who lives with me, has been very limited.
The thought of socialization disgusts me.
And this past week, I have not felt upset by these thoughts.
I've been feeling less lonely now than before I gave up on talking to anybody.
I'll be honest, it's been liberating just focusing on myself entirely.
I've been excited to get back into my dead mall channel.
I've been drawing again, and music has been closer to me than anyone has been in years.
Isolating myself is not a new solution to me feeling like this, but I feel like I'm actually learning a bit more about myself.
My hatred for people grows stronger for people everyday, and I should probably work on that.
But it's so difficult when so many people (not even just former friends) seem to really do their best to try my patience.
Perhaps that's just my past experiences talking. Some people are just living their life and are just not very intelligent.
But they're probably not trying to target me and ruin my day. It's really hard to look past that in the moment.
Some people just suck. Maybe I shouldn't take that personally.
I need to work on my negativity. Even if it's not the only cause for friends leaving me.
I've been working on my own nerves with that.
Anyway, as far as my social life goes, I may return sometime, but I'm certainly not ready for that right now.
It's hard to imagine anyone cares that I'm gone when they almost never seem to remember I exist.
That does hurt, but I haven't even been torn up about that the past few days.
To be quite honest, there was about a week where I hadn't thought about any of them.
Then one day I did, and found it kind of funny how much better I've been feeling.
But after so many people have left me, and the most recent one, I just feel like it's bound to happen again.
And now I feel at peace with the feeling of being nothing to people that mean so much to me.
This may seem dramatic. This may seem somewhat aggressive. But this is just how I've been feeling.
Maybe I'm selfish for wanting something a little more than a message once a month or longer.
We all have lives, I get it. But lives usually involve people you love. I don't fit into that, I suppose.
I wanted to be somebody's favorite person, or at least one of their favorites.
Then I lowered it to just being on someone's mind regularly.
Now, I don't want to be thought of at all. I don't deserve it, and I don't need it.
I thank those who have stuck around this far at all, as impressive as it is.
But I don't want to drag you along for this shitshow of a ride if you don't want to be here.
I don't want anyone to feel obligated to message me. If nothing changes, it's what I get.
Feel what you want to feel. It shows when it's not genuine.
If it is genuine, and my own insecurity has gotten the best of me, that's something that I'll need to work on.
This is only a venting piece, built up emotions. I obviously still need time. I'm out of energy, and just been in an absolute mental abyss the past several months.

(So, this was something I jotted down in Notepad, but I decided to post it here. I feel like I should probably make my feelings heard in some way. Or at least have this out here. inb4 I know I'll probably cringe at this in the future, so that'll be fun at least)