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I was invited by a ms. 
vixyyfox to join in 
poetigress 's Thursday Prompt, where a writing subject is announced, and everyone scrambles to write something about it. This go-around was more applicable for me with the topic being Hibernation. So here you go! For once, I didn't write Lion King fan fiction, and actually wrote a wonderful stand-alone piece! I just hope it all makes sense to the reader, and was worth their time!
vixyyfox to join in 
poetigress 's Thursday Prompt, where a writing subject is announced, and everyone scrambles to write something about it. This go-around was more applicable for me with the topic being Hibernation. So here you go! For once, I didn't write Lion King fan fiction, and actually wrote a wonderful stand-alone piece! I just hope it all makes sense to the reader, and was worth their time!
Category Story / All
Species Bear (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 20.7 kB
Well, since you asked...
The introductions of the characters could be tightened up a lot more (i.e., lose the "the bear" and "the lion" monikers, as they don't fit the tone that well). And speaking of tone, this doesn't really have one. It sort of wavers back and forth between serious and semi-cute. You could do well to consider one or the other and try sticking to it.
The big structural problem I saw was that your tense shifts bizarrely back and forth between simple present, simple past, and present perfect, without rhyme or reason. It's like the literary equivalent of a cubist painting, seeing the event from all temporal angles at once.
Besides that, there are a couple more spots that could be tightened via the show-don't-tell paradigm, but in general the story gets better as it progresses.
I could still add a level of specificity to this, but now is not the time of day to be doing such things. x.x
The introductions of the characters could be tightened up a lot more (i.e., lose the "the bear" and "the lion" monikers, as they don't fit the tone that well). And speaking of tone, this doesn't really have one. It sort of wavers back and forth between serious and semi-cute. You could do well to consider one or the other and try sticking to it.
The big structural problem I saw was that your tense shifts bizarrely back and forth between simple present, simple past, and present perfect, without rhyme or reason. It's like the literary equivalent of a cubist painting, seeing the event from all temporal angles at once.
Besides that, there are a couple more spots that could be tightened via the show-don't-tell paradigm, but in general the story gets better as it progresses.
I could still add a level of specificity to this, but now is not the time of day to be doing such things. x.x
Yeah, I see what you mean. When I originally started, I thought it was going to turn out as a regular humorous story, like most of mine tend to play out. That's why I didn't try too hard trying to come up with names, other than a very childish solution of Barry the bear, and Liny the lion.
Heh heh... so I'm tone deaf? ;) Odd as it may sound, that's kind of how I am personality-wise... dead serious, then just plain silly, with little middle ground. Something about the contrast of the two always keeps me interested... and annoying with my roommates. ;)
Now here's where I worry: The tenses. I re-read my stuff, and unfortuneately, can't see anything wrong with them. I thought I had a pretty good grip on this type of stuff, but I guess it's time to finally dig out the old grammar primer. ;)
On a side note, the artist in me is delighted at your description of this malady, and takes it as a compliment. ;) It sounds kinda cool...
Don't worry bout me, as now I think I have a good idea where to begin. I have to thank you for all this... the Lion King Fandom apparently has no english scholars in its roster to exhort the enthusiasts. ;P
Heh heh... so I'm tone deaf? ;) Odd as it may sound, that's kind of how I am personality-wise... dead serious, then just plain silly, with little middle ground. Something about the contrast of the two always keeps me interested... and annoying with my roommates. ;)
Now here's where I worry: The tenses. I re-read my stuff, and unfortuneately, can't see anything wrong with them. I thought I had a pretty good grip on this type of stuff, but I guess it's time to finally dig out the old grammar primer. ;)
On a side note, the artist in me is delighted at your description of this malady, and takes it as a compliment. ;) It sounds kinda cool...
Don't worry bout me, as now I think I have a good idea where to begin. I have to thank you for all this... the Lion King Fandom apparently has no english scholars in its roster to exhort the enthusiasts. ;P
I can see now how the tone issues would arise from that. I think you should stick with the more serious aspects, unless you can somehow weave this into something more playful.
Thank you, I was quite taken aback by my own metaphor generator. ^v^ Now if only I could do that on a regular basis...
If you like, I could edit this for tense, to give you an idea of what needs to be changed. I'm currently enrolled in a graduate-level English grammar class, so I ought to know what I'm talking about by now. :P But that's all up to you. Personally, I'm glad to have the chance to exercise my critiquing skills with someone so receptive to them. So thank you for that. :D
Thank you, I was quite taken aback by my own metaphor generator. ^v^ Now if only I could do that on a regular basis...
If you like, I could edit this for tense, to give you an idea of what needs to be changed. I'm currently enrolled in a graduate-level English grammar class, so I ought to know what I'm talking about by now. :P But that's all up to you. Personally, I'm glad to have the chance to exercise my critiquing skills with someone so receptive to them. So thank you for that. :D
Hi and welcome!
I liked the ending -- I was kind of afraid it was going to turn into an adult piece, which I don't have anything against in general principle, but it wouldn't have seemed right at all for the story. >^_^< (I also noticed the tense changes, too, but TakeWalker has already covered that, so...)
I liked the ending -- I was kind of afraid it was going to turn into an adult piece, which I don't have anything against in general principle, but it wouldn't have seemed right at all for the story. >^_^< (I also noticed the tense changes, too, but TakeWalker has already covered that, so...)
I definately enjoyed the piece. Not at first mind you, sorry but Barry the bear and Liny the lion just short of..threw me a little (not to mention Mr. Houndy the hound dog XD). But, aside from the names, I really did like the piece.
Okay I wrote a big paragraph on your tenses, but I scrolled back up to the story and now I see what TakeWalker was talking about. I didn't catch it the first time around myself.... but I'm temporally challenged sometimes.
But as for your tone.... it was shakey at the start, but the piece progressed well. Personally I love it when there is a mix of tones, seriousness and playfulness.
I like your characterisations, you play the two quite well. I must admit I had to wrinkle my nose at the girls... not because you didn't write them well but... because I know girls like that and have not had good experiences. So.... good job with them XD
I, like Poetigress, was really worried about the whole turning into an adult story thing. I've nothing wrong with them, and enjoy them with a story attatched.... but I'm reading this on a work computer so I got really shakey for a bit there Haha! I was like "But it wasn't labled mature! D:"
ANyways, good job :D
Okay I wrote a big paragraph on your tenses, but I scrolled back up to the story and now I see what TakeWalker was talking about. I didn't catch it the first time around myself.... but I'm temporally challenged sometimes.
But as for your tone.... it was shakey at the start, but the piece progressed well. Personally I love it when there is a mix of tones, seriousness and playfulness.
I like your characterisations, you play the two quite well. I must admit I had to wrinkle my nose at the girls... not because you didn't write them well but... because I know girls like that and have not had good experiences. So.... good job with them XD
I, like Poetigress, was really worried about the whole turning into an adult story thing. I've nothing wrong with them, and enjoy them with a story attatched.... but I'm reading this on a work computer so I got really shakey for a bit there Haha! I was like "But it wasn't labled mature! D:"
ANyways, good job :D
"Maybe you'll sleep once you win the lottery, you skin flint..."
Love that line, and I feel a bit the same way about many doctors as well *shakes head*
Personally, proofreading is why everything I post for the prompt might as well have a "Work in Progress" sign hanging around its neck even if only implied. I write something, then come back to it in a couple weeks and realize what I was trying to say didn't actually come across quite like I though it did. Mileage will vary. *grin*
Wonderful to see your work. I have discovered such varied work and cool folks by hanging around with this circle *wanders off into gallery*
Love that line, and I feel a bit the same way about many doctors as well *shakes head*
Personally, proofreading is why everything I post for the prompt might as well have a "Work in Progress" sign hanging around its neck even if only implied. I write something, then come back to it in a couple weeks and realize what I was trying to say didn't actually come across quite like I though it did. Mileage will vary. *grin*
Wonderful to see your work. I have discovered such varied work and cool folks by hanging around with this circle *wanders off into gallery*
Great short story. I snickered all the way through when reading and the story was able to shake a couple of real laughters out from me. I liked the characters, in a short story like this I think it's too hard to make them too complex. Barry and Liny were sort of a stereotypes, but it suited well for this purpose. Great tale, I enjoyed reading this.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! I used to be a big Lion King fanfic writer back in the day, and had a bit of practice at these things.... though now I'm sure I'm out of practice. ;) Regrettably, I've drifted all too quickly from the Thursday Prompt, and been kept busy with life (read: BILLS). I read your journal on your page-- that's quite an admirable challenge to be reading so much! Good luck, armored wolverine person, and happy sailing through these tumultuous FA waters!
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