It's even more surprising when I add the context of that I was actually somewhat content with life at the time when I wrote it. My best guess as to why its the way its written is I had finished reading 'Turtles All the Way Down.' Which tells the story of girl suffering and dealing with OCD, I think. It's been ages since I read it sooooo ye. But point is, I probably related to the character at the time. IDK. I'm spit balling at this point.