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The Rise of the Raccoon Queen
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter
A Story of Faerie
© 2021 by M. Mitchell Marmel
(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)
Thumbnail art by
PeterAndCompany, color by 
Major Matt Mason
Part Seven.
Tessie:
OOOOOH!
I’ll tell you this, and Elves Don’t Lie, that I had it up to here with that wolfess. Acting like a literal Queen and not just a haughty wolfess wearing a set of old armor that barely covered her arse and more than covered her ____s. I mean, I’ve seen mels who had bigger busts than her. We’ve fought before, but this time I was ready to borrow the Master’s short-staff.
No, not that one. The other one.
And where did she get off constantly insulting me, I ask you? ‘Two-Ton Tessie,’ hah? The last straw on the ant’s back was to listen to her bragging to that feline girl about all the villains and Unseelie Elves she’d ‘triumphed over.’ Well, enough was enough, and it was high time, for Fuma’s sake, for Tessie to get some of her own back.
So after I told the Master where she and Ooo-er and that feline had gone, I had folded the laundry and put it away before I decided to go see what they were up to. I had an idea where they were having their ‘picnic,’ and while I walked I started thinking of what I could do to get back at that smoky-gray hussy.
I was walking along when I saw Ooo-er coming toward me over the hill in front of me. Now, Ooo-er was a good sort, one of the best, all bubbly and happy. I think I liked her because she didn’t speak a word of Standard, and because she had the courage to strut around in public wearing nothing but strings of pearls. Sometimes I caught myself wishing that I could do the same, but I like wearing clothes. Why make it easy for the mels, right?
I waved and called out, “Hi, Ooo-er!”
She didn’t seem to notice me, running full-tilt down the hill . . .
And not looking where she was going.
“OOF!”
She hit me hard and bowled me over, but kept on running. I sat up and rubbed my head in time to see her grow her wings and fly off without so much as a squeaky “Excuse me.”
I picked myself up and brushed myself off. That wasn’t like her, but I did remember when she’d been mad at the wolfess for dallying with that Frostheim wolfess. I figured that she’d caught her wife and that feline femme snogging away.
So I crept up the hill, and there was a pond next to the woods – and no sign of a beanpole wolfess or a brown-furred cat-femme.
Huh.
Ooo-er catching them at venery must have shamed them and they left. Left in a hurry, too; the feline – Tali – left all her clothes behind, and that gangly hobbledehoy left her fancy tin armor. I looked at the Regalia, and an idea came to me.
The Regalia!
I’ll STEAL it!
NO-ONE WILL EVER KNOW!
Good one, Tessie.
I scooped up the tiara, earring, arm-guards, mudguards, her top and her bottom and put them into my Elfintory. That way’d they’d be hard to find when she came looking for them, and it’d save me the trouble of lugging them around in my paws. That’d be a dead giveaway, and my folks didn’t raise a dumb daughter, no sir.
There was no sign of her dagger or the double-bladed whatsit she waves around, so I figured it was still in her Elfintory. That was okay, for now, since that whatsit’s pretty heavy from the look of it, and I didn’t want anything that big stuck in my Elfintory.
Before I left the pond, I briefly thought about taking Tali’s clothes, but put up my nose and flicked my tail at the idea. My fight’s with the wolfess, not her.
***
Tali:
“AHHHHHHHH!”
“AHHHHHHHH!”
“HOLD ON!”
“WHAT THE _____DO YOU THINK I’M DOING?!”
Okay, this escalated from ‘interesting’ to ‘delightful’ to ‘damned terrifying’ in near-record time.
At some point, while we were at the height of, er, when we were distracted, the Gap dissipated. Literally, “not a rack behind.”
Sneaky thing.
Unfortunately, we were left several thousand feet in midair, with no clothes. I’ve been in that situation before, but I always had a gravity harness.
Free falling from height can be exhilarating, but when you know that you have nothing to deal with the sudden stop at zero height-above-ground, it kind of takes the edge off the fun.
I blinked my watering eyes and scanned the surface. No recognizable landmarks, and gravity seemed to be working as well here in Faerie as it did almost everywhere else. I looked at the Wolf Queen, whose tail was flapping in the wind. “I’m open to suggestions right about now!” I shouted.
***
Wolf Queen:
Suggestions?
I had a few, but one made the most sense.
I grabbed Tali. “Hold on tight!” I said, and manifested my wings.
Pantheon, that wind! I screamed at the strain of the air against my pinions and fought to level off. I succeeded, but only after spinning around a few times.
Something was wrong.
I was having trouble staying in control, and Tali felt – well, luscious – but heavier than she seemed to be. I never had any difficulty carrying anything before, even the Master (whose nose almost needed two trips the last time).
Tali looked down. “We’re still coming down fast.”
“Something’s . . . not right,” I panted. “Never been . . . this hard before.”
Tali looked up into my eyes. “Okay, listen to me,” and I found myself caught by her gaze. “Keep your wings out to your sides as far as you can. Don’t dive, and don’t try to climb.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because if you dive, you’ll tear those off.” I gulped. “And if you try to climb too steeply, we’ll lose lift and either way we’ll end up street pizza.”
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I knew it couldn’t be good. I gritted my teeth and did what she said, and as a result we were still heading downward, but in a shallow glide.
“Can you make out any landmarks?” Tali asked.
I craned my neck and looked around. “No.”
***
Winterbough:
“Ooo-er . . . you – you can talk?!”
She shook her paws. Since they were firmly grasping my antlers, my head was wobbling in time with her. Ooo-er bared her teeth and said, “Of course I can talk, you monumental idiot! I’ve been watching and listening to you dryheaded, dryfooted indefinites for years!”
The Mink nudged the Dog. “Are your feet dry?”
“Only when I use talcum powder.”
Ooo-er didn’t seem to pay any attention to the twits, and shook my head again. “She’s gone!” she said, a desperate note edging into her voice. “She’s gone, I can’t sense her, and – gulp! – I need your help.”
I blinked up at her before grasping her wrists and gently prying her paws off my antlers. “Slow down, Princess – “
“Bollocks to that. She could be in danger!”
“You mean the Wolf Queen.”
The otteress didn’t boop my nose. She poinked it with a flick of a claw and climbed off me as I winced and grabbed at the appendage. “Got it in one,” Ooo-er said with some asperity. “We were up at a pond for lunch with Tali, and I went to pick some flowers.” She sniffled suddenly, tears coming to her eyes. “And when I came back they were both gone!” The dam broke; she put her head in her paws and began sobbing.
I got to my hooves and gently hugged her and stroked her headfur.
“Some furs got all the luck,” the Mink grumbled.
“Don’t worry, we’ll find them, Fuma willing,” I said. “You said that you couldn’t sense her?” She nodded against my chest. “An Elf-mind link?” Another nod. Of course, such a link was to be expected, given how often those two have venery. I said, “We’ll – what?”
The Bear was tapping my shoulder. “Pardon me for cutting in, but did she say that Tali Hartoh-Mason was also missing?” Behind him I could see the Dog and the Mink leaning forward, ears swiveling.
Ooo-er blinked tearfully at him, and nodded.
“Right,” and the Bear’s tone of voice was all business. “Master, my companions and I might be able to help, if we can find where Tali was living.”
“That’s no problem,” I said. “She’s staying with the Gypsy Wolves in Glenallid.”
“Should be easy to find,” the Dog said.
“All right, we’ll see what you lot can do besides confuse Elves. Ooo-er, I want you to go back to the Lodge, please. Let Anastasia know what’s going on, and that I’m going to be scrying to see if I can spot them.” She looked like she was about to object and I asked, “Please?”
She sniffled, “If you don’t find her, I’ll have Father impale you,” and headed up the road to the Lodge.
Nothing like some incentive.
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter
A Story of Faerie
© 2021 by M. Mitchell Marmel
(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)
Thumbnail art by
PeterAndCompany, color by 
Major Matt MasonPart Seven.
Tessie:
OOOOOH!
I’ll tell you this, and Elves Don’t Lie, that I had it up to here with that wolfess. Acting like a literal Queen and not just a haughty wolfess wearing a set of old armor that barely covered her arse and more than covered her ____s. I mean, I’ve seen mels who had bigger busts than her. We’ve fought before, but this time I was ready to borrow the Master’s short-staff.
No, not that one. The other one.
And where did she get off constantly insulting me, I ask you? ‘Two-Ton Tessie,’ hah? The last straw on the ant’s back was to listen to her bragging to that feline girl about all the villains and Unseelie Elves she’d ‘triumphed over.’ Well, enough was enough, and it was high time, for Fuma’s sake, for Tessie to get some of her own back.
So after I told the Master where she and Ooo-er and that feline had gone, I had folded the laundry and put it away before I decided to go see what they were up to. I had an idea where they were having their ‘picnic,’ and while I walked I started thinking of what I could do to get back at that smoky-gray hussy.
I was walking along when I saw Ooo-er coming toward me over the hill in front of me. Now, Ooo-er was a good sort, one of the best, all bubbly and happy. I think I liked her because she didn’t speak a word of Standard, and because she had the courage to strut around in public wearing nothing but strings of pearls. Sometimes I caught myself wishing that I could do the same, but I like wearing clothes. Why make it easy for the mels, right?
I waved and called out, “Hi, Ooo-er!”
She didn’t seem to notice me, running full-tilt down the hill . . .
And not looking where she was going.
“OOF!”
She hit me hard and bowled me over, but kept on running. I sat up and rubbed my head in time to see her grow her wings and fly off without so much as a squeaky “Excuse me.”
I picked myself up and brushed myself off. That wasn’t like her, but I did remember when she’d been mad at the wolfess for dallying with that Frostheim wolfess. I figured that she’d caught her wife and that feline femme snogging away.
So I crept up the hill, and there was a pond next to the woods – and no sign of a beanpole wolfess or a brown-furred cat-femme.
Huh.
Ooo-er catching them at venery must have shamed them and they left. Left in a hurry, too; the feline – Tali – left all her clothes behind, and that gangly hobbledehoy left her fancy tin armor. I looked at the Regalia, and an idea came to me.
The Regalia!
I’ll STEAL it!
NO-ONE WILL EVER KNOW!
Good one, Tessie.
I scooped up the tiara, earring, arm-guards, mudguards, her top and her bottom and put them into my Elfintory. That way’d they’d be hard to find when she came looking for them, and it’d save me the trouble of lugging them around in my paws. That’d be a dead giveaway, and my folks didn’t raise a dumb daughter, no sir.
There was no sign of her dagger or the double-bladed whatsit she waves around, so I figured it was still in her Elfintory. That was okay, for now, since that whatsit’s pretty heavy from the look of it, and I didn’t want anything that big stuck in my Elfintory.
Before I left the pond, I briefly thought about taking Tali’s clothes, but put up my nose and flicked my tail at the idea. My fight’s with the wolfess, not her.
***
Tali:
“AHHHHHHHH!”
“AHHHHHHHH!”
“HOLD ON!”
“WHAT THE _____DO YOU THINK I’M DOING?!”
Okay, this escalated from ‘interesting’ to ‘delightful’ to ‘damned terrifying’ in near-record time.
At some point, while we were at the height of, er, when we were distracted, the Gap dissipated. Literally, “not a rack behind.”
Sneaky thing.
Unfortunately, we were left several thousand feet in midair, with no clothes. I’ve been in that situation before, but I always had a gravity harness.
Free falling from height can be exhilarating, but when you know that you have nothing to deal with the sudden stop at zero height-above-ground, it kind of takes the edge off the fun.
I blinked my watering eyes and scanned the surface. No recognizable landmarks, and gravity seemed to be working as well here in Faerie as it did almost everywhere else. I looked at the Wolf Queen, whose tail was flapping in the wind. “I’m open to suggestions right about now!” I shouted.
***
Wolf Queen:
Suggestions?
I had a few, but one made the most sense.
I grabbed Tali. “Hold on tight!” I said, and manifested my wings.
Pantheon, that wind! I screamed at the strain of the air against my pinions and fought to level off. I succeeded, but only after spinning around a few times.
Something was wrong.
I was having trouble staying in control, and Tali felt – well, luscious – but heavier than she seemed to be. I never had any difficulty carrying anything before, even the Master (whose nose almost needed two trips the last time).
Tali looked down. “We’re still coming down fast.”
“Something’s . . . not right,” I panted. “Never been . . . this hard before.”
Tali looked up into my eyes. “Okay, listen to me,” and I found myself caught by her gaze. “Keep your wings out to your sides as far as you can. Don’t dive, and don’t try to climb.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because if you dive, you’ll tear those off.” I gulped. “And if you try to climb too steeply, we’ll lose lift and either way we’ll end up street pizza.”
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I knew it couldn’t be good. I gritted my teeth and did what she said, and as a result we were still heading downward, but in a shallow glide.
“Can you make out any landmarks?” Tali asked.
I craned my neck and looked around. “No.”
***
Winterbough:
“Ooo-er . . . you – you can talk?!”
She shook her paws. Since they were firmly grasping my antlers, my head was wobbling in time with her. Ooo-er bared her teeth and said, “Of course I can talk, you monumental idiot! I’ve been watching and listening to you dryheaded, dryfooted indefinites for years!”
The Mink nudged the Dog. “Are your feet dry?”
“Only when I use talcum powder.”
Ooo-er didn’t seem to pay any attention to the twits, and shook my head again. “She’s gone!” she said, a desperate note edging into her voice. “She’s gone, I can’t sense her, and – gulp! – I need your help.”
I blinked up at her before grasping her wrists and gently prying her paws off my antlers. “Slow down, Princess – “
“Bollocks to that. She could be in danger!”
“You mean the Wolf Queen.”
The otteress didn’t boop my nose. She poinked it with a flick of a claw and climbed off me as I winced and grabbed at the appendage. “Got it in one,” Ooo-er said with some asperity. “We were up at a pond for lunch with Tali, and I went to pick some flowers.” She sniffled suddenly, tears coming to her eyes. “And when I came back they were both gone!” The dam broke; she put her head in her paws and began sobbing.
I got to my hooves and gently hugged her and stroked her headfur.
“Some furs got all the luck,” the Mink grumbled.
“Don’t worry, we’ll find them, Fuma willing,” I said. “You said that you couldn’t sense her?” She nodded against my chest. “An Elf-mind link?” Another nod. Of course, such a link was to be expected, given how often those two have venery. I said, “We’ll – what?”
The Bear was tapping my shoulder. “Pardon me for cutting in, but did she say that Tali Hartoh-Mason was also missing?” Behind him I could see the Dog and the Mink leaning forward, ears swiveling.
Ooo-er blinked tearfully at him, and nodded.
“Right,” and the Bear’s tone of voice was all business. “Master, my companions and I might be able to help, if we can find where Tali was living.”
“That’s no problem,” I said. “She’s staying with the Gypsy Wolves in Glenallid.”
“Should be easy to find,” the Dog said.
“All right, we’ll see what you lot can do besides confuse Elves. Ooo-er, I want you to go back to the Lodge, please. Let Anastasia know what’s going on, and that I’m going to be scrying to see if I can spot them.” She looked like she was about to object and I asked, “Please?”
She sniffled, “If you don’t find her, I’ll have Father impale you,” and headed up the road to the Lodge.
Nothing like some incentive.
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Raccoon
Size 107 x 120px
File Size 53.5 kB
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