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THE MEAT WAGON - THINGS I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO AT WORK
This is what I did at work one day with my buddy when we were bored. My manager almost got reemed. We gave it a spoiler full body kit and painted it ricer green and black. Also hacked up the handel bars to make it look like hand grips.
AND NOW THE THINGS I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO AT WORK
1. Not allowed to hum, whistle, sing, or otherwise prform the "Dukes of Hazard" theme, the theme to "Smokey and the Bandit," or "Can't Turn You Loose" while pushing or pulling a grocery cart, stock cart or pallet jacks.
2. Not allowed to chew gum "just to mess with the deaf guy."
3. Not allowed to make anyone laugh until they injure themselves.
4. Telling the typical teenager how to make anything flammable or explosive is not "For the betterment of the Human Race."
5. No stock cart surfing or pallet mushing, Even if we are racing for money.
6. Isle 14 is not "shitpaper, snotrags, craptraps, and horselips" it is Toilet Paper, Kleenex, Adult Diapers, and Pet Food.
7. No sending customers on a wild goose chase all around the store just because they're wearing University of Michigan merchandise. Not even if they're dressed in solid Maize and Blue.
8. We do not sell napalm.
9. No impressions of Sgt. Schultz ("I know notheenk! I know notheenk!")
10. No implanting absurd and hazardous ideas into the minds of our easily impressionable co-workers.
11. No talking the 375 pound cashier into wearing short shorts... she does NOT have the legs for it.
12. The vacant expression and bad complexion of most baggers is because bagging is mind-numbing work that keeps them out of the sun, not because the company cut a deal with the union and hired some shit-golems to do the job.
13. "Barbie Pink" ink and dye is not a color acquired from unholy magic and the hearts of baby seals.
14. The forklift is not an offensive weapons system.
15. No implanting absurd and hazardous ideas into the minds of the easily impressionable children of our easily impressionable customers.
16. I am chewing Wrigley's gum, not the tattered, anguished soul of the last idiotic customer who asked me a stupid question
17. No using an outrageous French accent.
18. The answer is seldom, if ever, 42.
19. No one clearly asked the wrong question.
20. I may not sell the souls of my co-workers, for any reason.
21. No making up obscene or racist meanings for acronyms found at work.
22. I do not know Kung-fu.
23. I may not tell customers where they can go to find a specific item, unless I am directing them to a real location *inside* the store.
24. The customers do not need to answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side they see.
25. No fair developing a Somebody Else's Problem Field.
26. We do not sell orbital weapons platforms. Neither does Wal Mart.
27. No erecting cult shrines to pagan gods or NASCAR idols.
28. No making up diseases to call in sick with.
29. No infecting myself so I can call in sick.
30. No calling in dead.
31. There is no prize for giving a customer the most convoluted set of directions possible.
32. There is no prize for getting a customer to do a full circuit of the store.
33. Hitting the deaf guy with a stock cart is not worth fifty points.
34. Neither the management nor the union is trying to cause spontaneous brain tumors.
35. I may not sell foil hats to customers "on the side."
36. The answer to "Where can I find University of Michigan merchandise?" is not "In the ninth circle of Hell."
37. I am not allowed to refer to late night customers as "The Freak Show." Even if they do look like Marilyn Manson
38. When the fat, cellulite-assed goth chick wears a mikroskirt and no panties, I am not allowed to sing CCR's "Bad Moon Rising."
39. I am not allowed to mimic the funny noises the deaf guy makes.
40. Not allowed to cause more mental anguish then my boss.
A reorganized and redone list that was origonaly posted by tomyironmane
AND NOW THE THINGS I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO AT WORK
1. Not allowed to hum, whistle, sing, or otherwise prform the "Dukes of Hazard" theme, the theme to "Smokey and the Bandit," or "Can't Turn You Loose" while pushing or pulling a grocery cart, stock cart or pallet jacks.
2. Not allowed to chew gum "just to mess with the deaf guy."
3. Not allowed to make anyone laugh until they injure themselves.
4. Telling the typical teenager how to make anything flammable or explosive is not "For the betterment of the Human Race."
5. No stock cart surfing or pallet mushing, Even if we are racing for money.
6. Isle 14 is not "shitpaper, snotrags, craptraps, and horselips" it is Toilet Paper, Kleenex, Adult Diapers, and Pet Food.
7. No sending customers on a wild goose chase all around the store just because they're wearing University of Michigan merchandise. Not even if they're dressed in solid Maize and Blue.
8. We do not sell napalm.
9. No impressions of Sgt. Schultz ("I know notheenk! I know notheenk!")
10. No implanting absurd and hazardous ideas into the minds of our easily impressionable co-workers.
11. No talking the 375 pound cashier into wearing short shorts... she does NOT have the legs for it.
12. The vacant expression and bad complexion of most baggers is because bagging is mind-numbing work that keeps them out of the sun, not because the company cut a deal with the union and hired some shit-golems to do the job.
13. "Barbie Pink" ink and dye is not a color acquired from unholy magic and the hearts of baby seals.
14. The forklift is not an offensive weapons system.
15. No implanting absurd and hazardous ideas into the minds of the easily impressionable children of our easily impressionable customers.
16. I am chewing Wrigley's gum, not the tattered, anguished soul of the last idiotic customer who asked me a stupid question
17. No using an outrageous French accent.
18. The answer is seldom, if ever, 42.
19. No one clearly asked the wrong question.
20. I may not sell the souls of my co-workers, for any reason.
21. No making up obscene or racist meanings for acronyms found at work.
22. I do not know Kung-fu.
23. I may not tell customers where they can go to find a specific item, unless I am directing them to a real location *inside* the store.
24. The customers do not need to answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side they see.
25. No fair developing a Somebody Else's Problem Field.
26. We do not sell orbital weapons platforms. Neither does Wal Mart.
27. No erecting cult shrines to pagan gods or NASCAR idols.
28. No making up diseases to call in sick with.
29. No infecting myself so I can call in sick.
30. No calling in dead.
31. There is no prize for giving a customer the most convoluted set of directions possible.
32. There is no prize for getting a customer to do a full circuit of the store.
33. Hitting the deaf guy with a stock cart is not worth fifty points.
34. Neither the management nor the union is trying to cause spontaneous brain tumors.
35. I may not sell foil hats to customers "on the side."
36. The answer to "Where can I find University of Michigan merchandise?" is not "In the ninth circle of Hell."
37. I am not allowed to refer to late night customers as "The Freak Show." Even if they do look like Marilyn Manson
38. When the fat, cellulite-assed goth chick wears a mikroskirt and no panties, I am not allowed to sing CCR's "Bad Moon Rising."
39. I am not allowed to mimic the funny noises the deaf guy makes.
40. Not allowed to cause more mental anguish then my boss.
A reorganized and redone list that was origonaly posted by tomyironmane
Category All / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 604 x 453px
File Size 50.8 kB
Me and my buddies built a snowman in front of the drivethru back when I worked at burger king when I was in high school that and water fights with the squirt bottles full of sanitizer stuff, I always won those because I was usually washing the dishes and had the hose to hit them with if they tried XD. Haven't had a shit job since that one where I could get away with stuff like that sometimes I miss it then I remember just how shitty that job was lol.
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