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-The first part of a commission for Snivykip on Twitter! Something not smutty for once as well. Two young Pokemon leave their village to become adventurers, and are tasked with rescuing an escaped Shaymin...
Category Story / Pokemon
Species Pokemon
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 22.2 kB
Yay~ Another PMD story. :3
I read through it all and I thought it was pretty good starting off! I know this is just a commmission, but I still want to give some pieces of critique. I'll start specific and get more general as I go on.
He wasn't the only Pokemon in his village having a birthday today…
For stories, you usually don't want to use ellipses (the three periods in a row) like this if it's not in dialogue. XP An ellipses is used to omit something from a quoted passage in formal writing. In dialogue, it's used to indicate a character trailing off or a pause/break in their speech. For example: "Two plus two equals...Oh! Four!"
“Casper, do you recognize that rock?” Randall said, map in hand as he pointed off to some distant figure standing near the fork in the trail. Casper, with a puzzled look on his face, peeked over at the map the Snivy was holding, before changing his view to where his friend was pointing at. “That's not a rock, you doofus, that's a tree!” the Mudkip responded.
Speaking of dialogue, when you have dialogue, you want to treat the start of every piece as a new paragraph. In your case, it would be:
"Casper, do you recognize that rock?" Randall said, map in hand as he pointed to some distant object near the splitting paths.
He peeked over the map and gave him a puzzled look. "That's not a rock, you doofus! That's a tree!"
Sidenote: When you have only two characters speaking, you just have to establish whose line is whose, then readers can infer which one is speaking based on the newlines/indentations. It's obvious Casper is talking after Randall, because Casper is the only other person there.
You keep referring to them as adventurers with some adjective in front of them. I feel it's kinda distracting. It's okay to use "they" and "them" to refer to them. XP This is admittedly just a nitpick, though.
until they put 2+2 together
You don't want to refer to small numbers by numerical value unless you're giving a stat. According to APA, you want to spell out numbers smaller than 10. So in this case, you'd say 'until they put two and two together.'
Casper and Randall started to fidget a little bit, not sure how exactly to respond to this strange creature that was approaching them. They didn't feel threatened, but considering they were complete novices...they also didn't know how to handle this, really!
You don't have to tell the reader how they feel here. If anything it's a bit redundant. :P It's obvious they're nervous by them fidgetting. In this case, you can do less with more and have characterization through action and not narration, which is almost always better! For example:
'Casper and Randall got wide-eyed and retreated as the creature approached. They exchanged glances and fidgetted with their supplies.'
Here it's easy to see they're nervous, scared, and antsy. You already established them as just starting, so you don't need to point out they're novices either. Because they're newbies, of course they're scared! You can then contrast that with a veteran explorer, who doesn't even budge when approached by a new Pokémon.
but that hesitation seemed to not go unnoticed by the council
This sentence is written awkwardly. I think you could say something like 'but his hesitation did not go unnoticed."
In General
I feel the beginning feels a bit rushed. I get you want to get right to the start of Casper and Randall's adventure, but I think the meaning of them starting their journey would've been all the more meaningful and impactful if they interacted with their families a bit more and we got to see their reactions so we as readers get a general feel of their family dynamics. Maybe have some pieces of dialogue from their parents giving them tips and advice about being explorers? Perhaps either of their parents were explorers themselves and their kids becoming explorers makes them want to reminesce. Maybe Casper or Randall have siblings and they want to strive to be better explorers than they are. I think throwing something like these suggestions in would make this aspect feel more fleshed out.
I don't have much to say that I haven't already said with my specific critiques when it comes to the middle and end of this part. But I started to feel some intrigue, so aside from some grammatical errors and some awkward sentence structure that I saw, I think you're doing a good job so far!
Again, I'm aware that this is a commission, so maybe you had to make due with whatever information the customer gave you. :3 Your story isn't bad at all! But I do think it could be a bit better. I look forward to seeing more of it!
I read through it all and I thought it was pretty good starting off! I know this is just a commmission, but I still want to give some pieces of critique. I'll start specific and get more general as I go on.
He wasn't the only Pokemon in his village having a birthday today…
For stories, you usually don't want to use ellipses (the three periods in a row) like this if it's not in dialogue. XP An ellipses is used to omit something from a quoted passage in formal writing. In dialogue, it's used to indicate a character trailing off or a pause/break in their speech. For example: "Two plus two equals...Oh! Four!"
“Casper, do you recognize that rock?” Randall said, map in hand as he pointed off to some distant figure standing near the fork in the trail. Casper, with a puzzled look on his face, peeked over at the map the Snivy was holding, before changing his view to where his friend was pointing at. “That's not a rock, you doofus, that's a tree!” the Mudkip responded.
Speaking of dialogue, when you have dialogue, you want to treat the start of every piece as a new paragraph. In your case, it would be:
"Casper, do you recognize that rock?" Randall said, map in hand as he pointed to some distant object near the splitting paths.
He peeked over the map and gave him a puzzled look. "That's not a rock, you doofus! That's a tree!"
Sidenote: When you have only two characters speaking, you just have to establish whose line is whose, then readers can infer which one is speaking based on the newlines/indentations. It's obvious Casper is talking after Randall, because Casper is the only other person there.
You keep referring to them as adventurers with some adjective in front of them. I feel it's kinda distracting. It's okay to use "they" and "them" to refer to them. XP This is admittedly just a nitpick, though.
until they put 2+2 together
You don't want to refer to small numbers by numerical value unless you're giving a stat. According to APA, you want to spell out numbers smaller than 10. So in this case, you'd say 'until they put two and two together.'
Casper and Randall started to fidget a little bit, not sure how exactly to respond to this strange creature that was approaching them. They didn't feel threatened, but considering they were complete novices...they also didn't know how to handle this, really!
You don't have to tell the reader how they feel here. If anything it's a bit redundant. :P It's obvious they're nervous by them fidgetting. In this case, you can do less with more and have characterization through action and not narration, which is almost always better! For example:
'Casper and Randall got wide-eyed and retreated as the creature approached. They exchanged glances and fidgetted with their supplies.'
Here it's easy to see they're nervous, scared, and antsy. You already established them as just starting, so you don't need to point out they're novices either. Because they're newbies, of course they're scared! You can then contrast that with a veteran explorer, who doesn't even budge when approached by a new Pokémon.
but that hesitation seemed to not go unnoticed by the council
This sentence is written awkwardly. I think you could say something like 'but his hesitation did not go unnoticed."
In General
I feel the beginning feels a bit rushed. I get you want to get right to the start of Casper and Randall's adventure, but I think the meaning of them starting their journey would've been all the more meaningful and impactful if they interacted with their families a bit more and we got to see their reactions so we as readers get a general feel of their family dynamics. Maybe have some pieces of dialogue from their parents giving them tips and advice about being explorers? Perhaps either of their parents were explorers themselves and their kids becoming explorers makes them want to reminesce. Maybe Casper or Randall have siblings and they want to strive to be better explorers than they are. I think throwing something like these suggestions in would make this aspect feel more fleshed out.
I don't have much to say that I haven't already said with my specific critiques when it comes to the middle and end of this part. But I started to feel some intrigue, so aside from some grammatical errors and some awkward sentence structure that I saw, I think you're doing a good job so far!
Again, I'm aware that this is a commission, so maybe you had to make due with whatever information the customer gave you. :3 Your story isn't bad at all! But I do think it could be a bit better. I look forward to seeing more of it!
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