He forgot to give me a body. Oh, well. I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t spear my head onto an antenna, Vlad the Impaler style. Assuming the tie isn’t some sort of symbolic blood. (And why am I all fuzzy? It’s giving me a headache.)

I am Jack. I’ve been in commercials for quite some time now. And if you’ve somehow missed those, there are plenty of recordings strewn about YouTube. They’re almost as ubiquitous as my Tacos and Ultimate Cheeseburger. (Coincidentally, the guy who made this pic really digs that burger – and my Stacked Grilled Cheeseburger Munchie Meal, too. But he’s also sore about the loss of the JBX restaurants and Big Cheeseburgers disappearing from the menu. Guess that would explain my glorious, severed, necktied head.) But introductions really aren’t necessary. Just as I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that our fries are better than McDonald’s.

Hey, I was literally created to be a corporate shill. Product placement is not beneath me.

But since this is text and not televised, I don’t think we’ll get very far with a commercial. Whatever special I can think of off the top of my head will expire by the time you see these words. (I think it was my Sourdough Patty Melt Combo, for 4.99. That’s a pretty good deal, if I say so myself.) And because my gracious fan failed to provide me with a body, I’m stuck within this picture and this text box. It won’t take long. Once someone else dons the mask, I’ll be back in business. Once they bring out another body, I’ll…

…did I say that out loud?

It seems I did.

The secret’s out, I suppose. (I’d clap my hands, but, you know – no body.) No doubt you’re smart people. You know there isn’t really a guy in a clown head wandering around in a business suit, with big-headed kids and big-headed relatives. I’m a persona, donned by some faceless actor and voiced by another you’ll never see. At least, that’s the impression they wanna make. If it looks like a simple dub job, nobody questions it. That’s the practice. Make it look like a simple voice, a simple act, and nobody asks. Of course, it isn’t that simple. Not when you want consistency.

Let’s just say we’re all grateful I’m just a head. Bringing Ronald McDonald to life turns the clothes and makeup into a second skin. They’re practically a puppet once those big red shoes take to their feet. I’m not nearly as demanding of my actors. (Another plus my company has over McDonald’s. Less time in the makeup room, less time getting jostled by Ron’s persona against their will.) Just pop on the large clown head and the procedure runs as normal until I can be safely detached. Assuming I come off at all.

If you think that’s twisted, you should see what happens with The Burger King’s actors. On second thought, don’t.

Personas are easy to create. Make a company, make a product, make a mascot, make a design and a character. It can be as simple as a blunt, sometimes snarky mask. Fit it over the body, and the actor follows suit. I…I can’t really describe it. I know they can’t see a thing. I have to practically hold their hand and make sure they don’t trip up. They have to trust me. And I know they will. I’m not that demanding. I’m just a head. I don’t fuse into their skin. I don’t make them into stalkers that break and enter to sell a product.

Okay, okay, so there was that time I played the “Breakfast Fairy”. And that time with the man who talked smack about my products. That one...it caught me at a bad time. I wasn’t really gonna snap his arm off, I swear. I’m not that violent. I’m not BK. I’m not Ronald. I don’t hurt my actors. I don’t seal their bodies and force them to…I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.

I think I’ve said enough. So instead of dwelling on that, why don’t you head out to your local Jack in the Box and try a Munchie Meal. (This guy likes the Stacked Grilled Cheeseburger option.) And between 9PM and 5AM, it’s only six dollars. That’s practically a steal! It’s a great bargain – your choice of four awesome entrées, Halfsie Fries, two of my delicious tacos, and a small drink, all for six bucks. And since I know you’ll be up late at night contemplating the implications of what I just said anyway, why not treat yourself to something appetizing? You deserve it. You really do.

I’m really not like that. Really.