ACT IV

Elena: Hello Kitty?

HK: Yes?

Elena: You're just, not what I was expecting. I mean, if you're the third spirit aren't you supposed to be all ominous, and skeletal, and, sepulchral and all that?

HK: That depends on who we're dealing with.

Elena: (shrugs) So, what do I call you? Hello Kitty or...?

HK: Hello. (deadpan)
Elena: Yeah, uh, 'Hi' um, how do you like to be addressed

HK: Hello. (still deadpan)

Elena: Yes, we're past the greeting part, now we move onto names. I'm Elena, and you are...?

HK: (regarding her as if speaking to a complete idiot) My name is Hello, but you can call me Hello Kitty to avoid confusion.

Elena: I take it you're here to show me what horrible fate for me the future hath wrought --writ? Will wrought? (shrugs) if I don't change the error of my ways?

HK: Didn't you hear a word that Bast said? There will be no horrible ending for you...(ominous) unless you want one.

Elena: (Nervous, scared) No, definitely not!

HK: Then let's cut to the heart of this meeting. I've got another appointment at nine, a promo-shot for a new piece of merchandise.

Elena: Aww.... beanbag chairs? Another kitchen appliance..?

HK: A chainsaw. Now, let's get going. (Hello Kitty leads her off away from the family) Do you like your job?

Elena: (taken aback) What? I...guess...

HK: (shouting) Liar! No one likes their job! Even the people who say they like their jobs dread going to them in the morning! What if you never had to work another day in your life? Would that make you happy?

[a woman lounging on a couch in a decedent fashion, surrounded by delicacies and drink, spot lit in a rosy light, appears before them. This is a shadow of what Elena could have.]

Elena: (considering) I....don't know. Maybe.

HK: (sighs) Most people jump at the chance for a life of pure leisure. You barely batted an eye. This is going well....

Elena: I'm sorry, but I've just never been overly obsessed with money or privilege the way most everyone else seems to be. I like cheap merlots, and fast-food, and the sense of pride that comes with belonging to the 'working class'.

HK: (giving her a cold look) You disturb me. (beat) Moving on....
[the light switches from the decadent lounger, to a woman at a desk, scribbling and drawing furiously on a notepad, in the heightened throes of hemorrhaging inspiration]

HK: So what about service? We could flood you with so many ideas for innovations and invention that you'd never have another dull moment in you life! All for creating a better world for all....people, cats, llamas....(as a side note) and dogs...

Elena: (intrigued, yet hesitant) Looks a little....coronary-inducing. When would I rest?

HK: When you passed out from exhaustion.

Elena: I'd like to stay busy and active....but not to that extent!

HK: (loud, exhausted sigh) Is there no pleasing you?!?

[the scribbler's light fades, and is raised on a tombstone with Elena's name]

Elena: (gasps in horror) W.T.F?!? How does this happen?!?

HK: It will eventually, as it does for everyone of mortal origins. But your end isn't due for a long time yet.

Elena: Then why do you show me this, spirit?!?

HK: Because you're starting to piss me off. What about love? Adulation?

[light over grave goes out, and another illuminates a woman holding flowers, receiving massive applause]

HK: Fame! Recognition! The adoration of millions!

Elena: Uh....what for?

HK: For simply being YOU!

[Elena considers a moment, then shakes her head]

Elena: That's not love. Love is taking the time to really get to know someone, and becoming more enraptured with the more you learn. Its the unjudging eyes of another, seeing you at your worst. Its the tranquil contentment of sharing silent spaces together. Its the certainty of knowing that someone will be waiting in that house for you at the end of the day, regardless of what you earn, what's on the dinner table, or how many cat-boxes you have to clean!

[Elena breaks down. HK grants her a moment, patting her shoulder]

Elena: I'm sorry, its just--- (wiping away tears) It's a sore subject with me. My boyfriends don't last too long.

HK: Screw them.

Elena: Even the fellow cat-lovers tend to think I'm a little....cat-crazy. But I can't help it. I LOVE cats! I always will! Even IF I'm cursed to the life of an aging spinster...

HK: Changing who you are would be a far worse crime.

Elena: (suddenly laughs) You know...this is starting to sound like the punch line of a joke I heard a long time ago....about an old woman with a cat who finds a genie in a lamp....

[pink light over woman with roses fades, Hello Kitty starts to look a little distracted--]

HK: A lamp...yes.... (regarding her watch)

Elena: Its really good. You see, there's this old woman who lives by the sea with her cat, and one day she's---

(sfx of can opener sounds, and Hello Kitty is compelled to leave. Elena is standing in front of her family just as she last saw them. They are looking very concerned)

Sara: Elena honey, are you feeling quite alright?

Brother: Yeah, that was kind of freaky, here you are chewing us out then you start talking to Hello Kitty as if she was here.

Sara: You had every right to say what you said Elena, and (sets drink down and pushes it away) aside from the stuff with Hello Kitty in it, you're quite right about all of it. I've been so afraid all this time that you'd never dare stand up for yourself. You remind me now so much of your grandmother.

Brother: Yeah, she was a crazy old bat, always talking to nobody.

[mother swats brother]

Frank: I think its time we took our leave, and let your sister spend the rest of this holiday with her friends. We've obviously taken our toll on her sanity. (moving to get coat, to Tizzy's obvious dismay)

Viviane: It is getting a little late, and I've got a whole heap of chores to dump on the staff at home before turning in....

Brother: Its been swell, sis, but the swelling's gone down now....

[everyone says their good-byes, and files out the door, Mom last:]

Mother: You did remind me of your Grandma, just then, finally standing up for yourself, dear. This is a very good sign. (sweeping her eyes over the scene) She really liked cats, too. Merry Christmas, darling.

[closes the door. Elena has a seat, exhausted]

Ms. Mittens: So....what was Hello Kitty like?

Elena: Like Wednesday Addams trapped in a Japanese Lolita cosplayer. I suppose that's the price to be paid for over-merchandising.

Scooter: She's always kind of weirded me out.

Tizzy: Hey! Its Christmas! (just suddenly realizing) Can we open our presents?!?

Elena: (laughing) Sure!

[the cats set into tearing open boxes and digging in stockings]

Scooter: This is so much more fun with thumbs!

Ms. Mittens: (digging a crinkly toy out of a stocking) Aw, I LOVE these! (sits beside Elena) Thank-you.

Elena: And thank-you for being here for me. You guys are my true family.

Scooter: Aw....Elena, you'll make me cry.... [gets side-tracked by boxes and crumpled wrapping paper]

Elena: No, I mean it! I wish you guys could stay like this forever, so we could keep talking, and take care of each other always!

Tizzy: What?!? You mean I'd never get to chase my tail again?!?

Ms. Mittens: Elena, as much as we love you, and want to be with you, we'd really like to get back to being cats again. There's a long line in the Department of Reincarnation to be a cat, for a reason.

Scooter: And I really don't like the way humans take baths. (shudders) So much soap...and water!

Ms. Mittens: And Tizzy's will never quite grasp what the toilet's true purpose is.

Tizzy: I'm NOT going to pee in the water-hole!

Elena: I'm sorry, I didn't know that being human would be so uncomfortable.

Scooter: Not for some of us---(Ms. Mittens swats him) Ouch!

Tizzy: Hey, lady Elena, we got you presents, too! (handing her little gifts from under the tree that look like they've been wrapped by, well, cats..)

Elena: Aww, guys, you didn't need to! (accepting them. First she gets a dead mouse)
A dead mouse.....really....didn't.....need to....

Tizzy: (all proud) I caught his sneaky butt last August! I saved him just for you!

Elena: (still unwrapping) My missing moon-cat earring!

Ms. Mittens: I found it behind your dresser.

Elena: (still unwrapping) And a box of...tic-tacs?

Scooter: I stole those out of your purse last month. They weren't as fun as I thought they'd be.

Elena: (holding up a last crudely wrapped package) So, who's this from?

Ms. Mittens: That's from the stray Tom. He's been hanging out around here lately. Really wants to thank-you for saving him from the neighbor's roof. He's a really nice guy...

Elena: So he's okay?! He's here?! (really excited) I was so worried....(unwraps gift, finds a ring) Huh? A ring?

[the doorbell rings. Bast enters]

Bast: He really is a great guy. He's been worried sick about you. Fell instantly in love with you when you crawled up on that roof, won't stop caterwauling about you...

Elena: Well, give him to me, and I'll love him right back, forever!

Tom: (now, like the other three cats, a human, steps onto the threshold) Promise?
[Elena stands in shock, as Tom crosses to meet her, wrapping his arms around her]

Bast: But then, even the least of cats make the best humans....

Elena: So you're....

Tom: Tom! Its as good a name as any.

Bast: He's a valiant cat who made a Christmas wish of his own, on a rainy night, not too long ago.

Tom: Anyhow, Lady Bast here believes that we'd be real good for each other. I'm clean...I'm clever...resourceful, reliable.....but, we'll have to....adopt.

Elena: (erupts in laughter and tears) You're perfect, Tom! (kisses him)

Cheshire Cat: [entering] You know, this kind of reminds me of an old joke about a woman and a cat that lived by the sea....

Cat in the Hat: [enters] No, no, Ches....no more joy-rides down Memory Lane. We've learned what we needed, there's nothing to gain.

Cheshire Cat: Says you!

Hello Kitty: [enters] Oh look. A 'Happy Ending'. So formulaic. So unoriginal. So lacking completely in the Aristotelian Unities....

Bast: (to Ms. Mittens, Scooter and Tizzy) Alright kids, time to return to a more familiar shape. Ready to throw in the cooking mitts, Ms. Mittens?

Ms. Mittens: I'll miss the power of baking birds, but I miss body-length heating vents more. (to Elena) I love you, Lena. (to Tom) You'd better take good care of her! We'll be watching! [goes to Bast, gets transformed]

Scooter: (approached Elena) I love you too, Elena. Always have. And I think you need to put some catnip on the shopping list. [goes to Bast, gets transformed]

Bast: And Tiny Tizzy....do you have any last words you wanted to say as a human...?

Tizzy: (clears throat) Dogs mess with us, every one!

Hello Kitty: That's beside the point, but....

Cheshire: Frogs confess to lust, and own guns!

Cat in the Hat: Um...no. C'mon Cheshire Cat, walk this way. I've got a game that you should play. Called 'Pee in the Cup"...

Tom: (to Bast) I've got this....

[Bast transforms Tizzy}

Tom: (holding Elena close) Gods bless us, everyone!

(end with them kissing, and a....a song...?)