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A Christmas Caterwaul:
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A few character idea plans we have as far as how we see them behaving:
Cheshire Cat: Comparable to Ignatowski from Taxi
Sara (The Mother): Dame Judy Dench in a cold,imperious, cynical role for when Elena's an adult, but much more open, less imperious when she's younger.
Tiny Tizzy: spastic, nervous, full of energy. Lines delivered with the hesitancy and nervous tics of Bobcat Goldthwaite, but without all the screeching. If you've ever seen him in Scrooged that's what I'm looking for.
Cat in the Hat: When he's insulting someone, think of that meme with Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, and the tone of voice you hear in your mind's ear when you read those.
Hello Kitty: Christina Ricci's version of Wednesday Addams.
With the rest we didn't have anyone particularly in mind when we read them, but hopefully who they are can be discerned from the script.
A Christmas Caterwaul
{Act 1 Scene 1}
(Scene opens with Elena walking with her flat-tired bike, burdened with grocery bags over the handles, homeward bound, talking to herself.)
Elena: So much for the short-cut through the brambles...stupid thin bike tires...guess it's back to the Bike Kitchen for me. But first, home! To get this ridiculously overpriced goose that my mother always insists on having prepped....Can this day get any worse?!
(Thunder rolls and the downpour starts)
Elena: Why did I ask!?!? (hurries as best she can. After some panicky rushing and more 'woe is me' ad libbing(sic) she reaches her house.)
Elena: Home, bittersweet home (Sighs). The cats are gonna be mad.
(Sure enough, one appears in the window, looking angry. Its Ms. Mittens, looking reproachful
Elena: I know, I know Ms. Mittens, dinner's late (as she fumbles with keys.)
Tom: Meow!
Elena: (Looks at Ms. Mittens) I'm trying! Key's aren't cooperating! Be patient!
Tom: (More desperate) Meow!
(Elena realizes that something's amiss)
Elena: That's not your 'meow'...
Tom: MEOWERR!!!
(A truly despondent cat, Tom, comes into view. He's stuck up on the neighbor's rooftop. He's wet, cold, and miserable.)
Elena: Oh my God, kitty! (completely forgetting her own plight) How did you get up there?!?
Tom: Meow. (Somewhat settled having got the humans attention.)
Elena: Is that your home?
Tom: Meow.
Elena: I don't remember Virgil having a cat.
Tom: Meow.
Elena: Can't you get down?
Tom: (Annoyed) Meow!
Elena: Okay, one sec.
(Elena knocks on the neighbor's door. No answer. She knocks again, more insistently. Still no answer. The storm's getting worse.)
Elena: His car's gone, must be working the nightshift again.(frets)
Tom: (pathetic caterwaul that nearly breaks Elena's heart.)
Elena: Never fear, Crazy Cat Lady's here! I'll get you down, kitty...somehow.
(Tries to reach, doesn't work. Tries to climb. Needs a ladder, all the while muttering about cold, wet, and the insatiable curiosity of cat kind.)
Elena: (Reaching the cat) Okay Kitty, lets get down and inside. You can stay with me tonight.
( A siren sounds and a flashlight sweeps, then focuses on her, scaring the cat down the ladder and off the roof. The ladder clatters away)
Cop #1: Ah...there they are...
Cop #2: You there! Stay where you are!
Elena:(Snarkily) No problem there.
Cop #1: What?!
Elena: Nothing.
Cop #2: We got a call about a prowler in the area...mind telling us what you're doing on a roof in a rainstorm this time of night? (Moving to get her)
Elena: I'm...rescuing a cat!
Cop #1: I don't see a cat.
Elena: He's gone now! You scared him off!
Cop #2: Sure. We scare lots of cats. Especially cat burglars. (Grabbing a hold of her.)
Elena: What? No! I'm no thief! (struggles)
Cop #1: Ma'am, don't resist. I don't want to have to taze you...
Elena: In this downpour!?! Are you serious?! (The other cop call in with his radio, as she's being taken into custody. She's hauled off to jail, and the rescued stray regards her abandoned bike and groceries sadly
Tom: Meow?
Scene II
(Outside Elena's house. Elena arrives, looking absolutely miserable, due to a night spent in jail. An older man, Virgil, is walking with her)
Virgil: Here you are, home at last. You've had a rough night kid. Go get some sleep...
Elena: It's not over yet. My family's coming up here for dinner tonight! And now I'll have to see what I can scrape up for food. (hopeful) You wouldn't happen to have seen a frozen goose around here, would you?
Virgil: 'Fraid not. I found your bike though, put it in the garage...along with your ladder. So how the hell did a cat get on my roof anyways?
Elena: No idea. But I couldn't just leave him there...in the rain.
Virgil: (Chuckles, pats her on the back) You're a sweet kid 'Lena, but no cat will ever be able to repay the kindness.
Elena: Humph! Shows what you know!...my cats...(an awful realization dawns) My cats! (rushes inside leaving Virgil in the dust) They haven't been fed since yesterday! They must hate me!
(Scene changes to inside her house, specifically her kitchen, with her cats relaxing in the company of an unusually dressed woman, her back turned toward the audience at the moment)
Elena: Ms. Mittens! Scooter! Tiny Tizzy! (Shocked and relieved at the same confusing time)
(All three cats react with acknowledgements: nods, eye blinks, meow/trills as she pets them in turn. Elena Turns to the woman.)
Elena: Ahem..thanks for taking care of my 'kids', and all, but...just who the hell are you, and why are you in my kitchen?!?
Bast: (W/o turning around) To your first statement -- You're welcome, no trouble at all. To the second -- (turning to face her.) I'm Bast, Egyptian Goddess, of Joy, Fertility, and Queen of all cats. As to the third, I'm here to... (with pointed look toward the neighbor's house) 'repay the kindness'
(Elena's floored. A cat headed Egyptian Goddess is in her kitchen. What can you do?)
Bast: I saved the goose (revealing stock pot with thawing goose) ...and the rest of your groceries (opening cabinets) and because of your unyielding devotion to my children, I'm going to help put your life in better order. Starting tonight.
Elena: I...don't want to sound, ungrateful...or anything, (Slowly edging away as Bast approaches.) But...I'm a Christian, not an ancient Egyptian. I don't believe in you.
Bast: (smiling, unoffended) Not in this life, but you signed an Eternal Contract, and have been faithful to its tenants, all the same, no matter what your circumstance.
Elena: An eternal what?!?
Bast: An Eternal Contract. An agreement you signed during your time as a priestess in my Temple, millennia ago. It binds you to serve cat kind in all your future incarnations, and looking back, you’ve proven to be an excellent investment. (Elena is in rapt fascination) In Siam you were a fisherman who brought the best of his daily catch to the
treasure-guarding temple cats. As a Viking explorer you insisted on bringing your Forest Cats to the New World. As an ageing monk in Nepal, you chose to die alone in the mountains to help feed the cubs of a nearby snow leopard. And in mediaeval Germany, you freed over a hundred cats sentenced for burning, only to be tossed on the flames yourself.
Without a doubt, you are my favorite priestess ever, and I want you to be happy. Trouble is, I don’t know what will make you happy in this life...yet. So I’m calling in some help. Tonight, you will be visited by three cat spirits who will help analyze your life and discover the desires of that conflicted little heart of yours.
Elena: But...I’ve got so much to do tonight! My family’s gonna be here, and I haven’t even started---
Bast: (Silencing her with a gesture) Then I’ll give you help... (Bast sets out three martini glasses and begins mixing up a drink in a martini shaker, pulling potion bottles from a satchel on her person) Essence of Juniper from Ra’s solarium, Hathor’s vermouth --private reserve, catnip from my own garden...(pours drinks then garnishes with olives) and olives from Thoth’s favorite tree. (She sets them before the three cats) drink up kids.
(The three cats begin to lap at the martinis -- and wind up drinking them ---as Humans! They’ve been transformed into people. They immediately glomph onto Elena rubbing their cheeks against her in an outpouring war of claiming and affection.
Scooter: We missed you Lena!
Ms. Mittens: You had us so worried!
Tiny Tizzy: is 'jail' like the 'the vet' ? (suddenly very worried, inspecting Elena's belly/lap) Are you missing anything?!?
Bast: These three will take care of things while the spirits visit.
Ms. Mittens: I'll cook!
Scooter: I'll clean! (Grabs broom)
Tiny Tizzy: I'll run around like a demented berserker!
Elena: (to Ms. Mittens) You can cook?!
Ms. Mittens: I've been watching you for years now! I know everything. I just needed thumbs! (begins to prep things)
Bast: You're in good paws, Elena. The first housecats didn't wander in merely to eat your food, or curl up on your blankets and pillows. We domesticated ourselves to study you. To better understand you. We're clever folk.
Ms. Mittens: Tizzy! Stop eating the plant! (Whispering loudly) That's a palate cleanser, not a course...
Bast: Well, the majority of us are..(Moves to exit)
Elena: (Pursuing) Um.... Lady Bast...?
Bast: Yes?
Elena: About the 'Cat Spirits' , when should I expect them?
Bast: Any minute now... (She smiles, exiting and closing the door.)
{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{}}{}{{}}{{}}{{{{{}}{}}}}}}{}}}
A few character idea plans we have as far as how we see them behaving:
Cheshire Cat: Comparable to Ignatowski from Taxi
Sara (The Mother): Dame Judy Dench in a cold,imperious, cynical role for when Elena's an adult, but much more open, less imperious when she's younger.
Tiny Tizzy: spastic, nervous, full of energy. Lines delivered with the hesitancy and nervous tics of Bobcat Goldthwaite, but without all the screeching. If you've ever seen him in Scrooged that's what I'm looking for.
Cat in the Hat: When he's insulting someone, think of that meme with Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, and the tone of voice you hear in your mind's ear when you read those.
Hello Kitty: Christina Ricci's version of Wednesday Addams.
With the rest we didn't have anyone particularly in mind when we read them, but hopefully who they are can be discerned from the script.
A Christmas Caterwaul
{Act 1 Scene 1}
(Scene opens with Elena walking with her flat-tired bike, burdened with grocery bags over the handles, homeward bound, talking to herself.)
Elena: So much for the short-cut through the brambles...stupid thin bike tires...guess it's back to the Bike Kitchen for me. But first, home! To get this ridiculously overpriced goose that my mother always insists on having prepped....Can this day get any worse?!
(Thunder rolls and the downpour starts)
Elena: Why did I ask!?!? (hurries as best she can. After some panicky rushing and more 'woe is me' ad libbing(sic) she reaches her house.)
Elena: Home, bittersweet home (Sighs). The cats are gonna be mad.
(Sure enough, one appears in the window, looking angry. Its Ms. Mittens, looking reproachful
Elena: I know, I know Ms. Mittens, dinner's late (as she fumbles with keys.)
Tom: Meow!
Elena: (Looks at Ms. Mittens) I'm trying! Key's aren't cooperating! Be patient!
Tom: (More desperate) Meow!
(Elena realizes that something's amiss)
Elena: That's not your 'meow'...
Tom: MEOWERR!!!
(A truly despondent cat, Tom, comes into view. He's stuck up on the neighbor's rooftop. He's wet, cold, and miserable.)
Elena: Oh my God, kitty! (completely forgetting her own plight) How did you get up there?!?
Tom: Meow. (Somewhat settled having got the humans attention.)
Elena: Is that your home?
Tom: Meow.
Elena: I don't remember Virgil having a cat.
Tom: Meow.
Elena: Can't you get down?
Tom: (Annoyed) Meow!
Elena: Okay, one sec.
(Elena knocks on the neighbor's door. No answer. She knocks again, more insistently. Still no answer. The storm's getting worse.)
Elena: His car's gone, must be working the nightshift again.(frets)
Tom: (pathetic caterwaul that nearly breaks Elena's heart.)
Elena: Never fear, Crazy Cat Lady's here! I'll get you down, kitty...somehow.
(Tries to reach, doesn't work. Tries to climb. Needs a ladder, all the while muttering about cold, wet, and the insatiable curiosity of cat kind.)
Elena: (Reaching the cat) Okay Kitty, lets get down and inside. You can stay with me tonight.
( A siren sounds and a flashlight sweeps, then focuses on her, scaring the cat down the ladder and off the roof. The ladder clatters away)
Cop #1: Ah...there they are...
Cop #2: You there! Stay where you are!
Elena:(Snarkily) No problem there.
Cop #1: What?!
Elena: Nothing.
Cop #2: We got a call about a prowler in the area...mind telling us what you're doing on a roof in a rainstorm this time of night? (Moving to get her)
Elena: I'm...rescuing a cat!
Cop #1: I don't see a cat.
Elena: He's gone now! You scared him off!
Cop #2: Sure. We scare lots of cats. Especially cat burglars. (Grabbing a hold of her.)
Elena: What? No! I'm no thief! (struggles)
Cop #1: Ma'am, don't resist. I don't want to have to taze you...
Elena: In this downpour!?! Are you serious?! (The other cop call in with his radio, as she's being taken into custody. She's hauled off to jail, and the rescued stray regards her abandoned bike and groceries sadly
Tom: Meow?
Scene II
(Outside Elena's house. Elena arrives, looking absolutely miserable, due to a night spent in jail. An older man, Virgil, is walking with her)
Virgil: Here you are, home at last. You've had a rough night kid. Go get some sleep...
Elena: It's not over yet. My family's coming up here for dinner tonight! And now I'll have to see what I can scrape up for food. (hopeful) You wouldn't happen to have seen a frozen goose around here, would you?
Virgil: 'Fraid not. I found your bike though, put it in the garage...along with your ladder. So how the hell did a cat get on my roof anyways?
Elena: No idea. But I couldn't just leave him there...in the rain.
Virgil: (Chuckles, pats her on the back) You're a sweet kid 'Lena, but no cat will ever be able to repay the kindness.
Elena: Humph! Shows what you know!...my cats...(an awful realization dawns) My cats! (rushes inside leaving Virgil in the dust) They haven't been fed since yesterday! They must hate me!
(Scene changes to inside her house, specifically her kitchen, with her cats relaxing in the company of an unusually dressed woman, her back turned toward the audience at the moment)
Elena: Ms. Mittens! Scooter! Tiny Tizzy! (Shocked and relieved at the same confusing time)
(All three cats react with acknowledgements: nods, eye blinks, meow/trills as she pets them in turn. Elena Turns to the woman.)
Elena: Ahem..thanks for taking care of my 'kids', and all, but...just who the hell are you, and why are you in my kitchen?!?
Bast: (W/o turning around) To your first statement -- You're welcome, no trouble at all. To the second -- (turning to face her.) I'm Bast, Egyptian Goddess, of Joy, Fertility, and Queen of all cats. As to the third, I'm here to... (with pointed look toward the neighbor's house) 'repay the kindness'
(Elena's floored. A cat headed Egyptian Goddess is in her kitchen. What can you do?)
Bast: I saved the goose (revealing stock pot with thawing goose) ...and the rest of your groceries (opening cabinets) and because of your unyielding devotion to my children, I'm going to help put your life in better order. Starting tonight.
Elena: I...don't want to sound, ungrateful...or anything, (Slowly edging away as Bast approaches.) But...I'm a Christian, not an ancient Egyptian. I don't believe in you.
Bast: (smiling, unoffended) Not in this life, but you signed an Eternal Contract, and have been faithful to its tenants, all the same, no matter what your circumstance.
Elena: An eternal what?!?
Bast: An Eternal Contract. An agreement you signed during your time as a priestess in my Temple, millennia ago. It binds you to serve cat kind in all your future incarnations, and looking back, you’ve proven to be an excellent investment. (Elena is in rapt fascination) In Siam you were a fisherman who brought the best of his daily catch to the
treasure-guarding temple cats. As a Viking explorer you insisted on bringing your Forest Cats to the New World. As an ageing monk in Nepal, you chose to die alone in the mountains to help feed the cubs of a nearby snow leopard. And in mediaeval Germany, you freed over a hundred cats sentenced for burning, only to be tossed on the flames yourself.
Without a doubt, you are my favorite priestess ever, and I want you to be happy. Trouble is, I don’t know what will make you happy in this life...yet. So I’m calling in some help. Tonight, you will be visited by three cat spirits who will help analyze your life and discover the desires of that conflicted little heart of yours.
Elena: But...I’ve got so much to do tonight! My family’s gonna be here, and I haven’t even started---
Bast: (Silencing her with a gesture) Then I’ll give you help... (Bast sets out three martini glasses and begins mixing up a drink in a martini shaker, pulling potion bottles from a satchel on her person) Essence of Juniper from Ra’s solarium, Hathor’s vermouth --private reserve, catnip from my own garden...(pours drinks then garnishes with olives) and olives from Thoth’s favorite tree. (She sets them before the three cats) drink up kids.
(The three cats begin to lap at the martinis -- and wind up drinking them ---as Humans! They’ve been transformed into people. They immediately glomph onto Elena rubbing their cheeks against her in an outpouring war of claiming and affection.
Scooter: We missed you Lena!
Ms. Mittens: You had us so worried!
Tiny Tizzy: is 'jail' like the 'the vet' ? (suddenly very worried, inspecting Elena's belly/lap) Are you missing anything?!?
Bast: These three will take care of things while the spirits visit.
Ms. Mittens: I'll cook!
Scooter: I'll clean! (Grabs broom)
Tiny Tizzy: I'll run around like a demented berserker!
Elena: (to Ms. Mittens) You can cook?!
Ms. Mittens: I've been watching you for years now! I know everything. I just needed thumbs! (begins to prep things)
Bast: You're in good paws, Elena. The first housecats didn't wander in merely to eat your food, or curl up on your blankets and pillows. We domesticated ourselves to study you. To better understand you. We're clever folk.
Ms. Mittens: Tizzy! Stop eating the plant! (Whispering loudly) That's a palate cleanser, not a course...
Bast: Well, the majority of us are..(Moves to exit)
Elena: (Pursuing) Um.... Lady Bast...?
Bast: Yes?
Elena: About the 'Cat Spirits' , when should I expect them?
Bast: Any minute now... (She smiles, exiting and closing the door.)
Category Story / All
Species Housecat
Size 720 x 1280px
File Size 133.1 kB
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