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Chapter Twenty: HQ

“Funny question, actually, according to Talk, we may not be quite where we were intended to go, isn’t that strange?”
“Where are you?” Easy Cheese asked again, looking mildly amused as if this were a silly game.
“Earth.” I mewed with hesitation.
There was silence for a bit. I detected a hostile glare from Spork resting upon me, but could not detect what the commanders thought. At last, Commander Easy Cheese spoke.
“That’s the wrong planet.”
I was becoming more and more uncomfortable with every passing moment. “We’re…on the wrong planet?”
“Afraid so. You’re supposed to be on Qwuedanjj.” Commander Easy Cheese didn’t seem particularly concerned.
I watched, almost hypnotized by how the light up yo-yo would swing around with the faintest buzz in a soft rhythm. Finally I had to shake my head to break the trance.
“Qwuedanjj?”
“That’s what it said, stop repeating it.” Commander Fatal Flaw interjected. “Crew 38 is waiting for you!”
“Can’t we just…invade Earth? That seems easier than trying to get to Qwuedanjj.”
“NO.” Fatal Flaw again.
“Earth belongs to the Grays; been claimed a long time ago already.” Dr. Leech added. “Planet stealing is frowned upon, you know.”
“But we steal planets all the time.”
Silence.
“With all due respect to you, Supreme Commanders, I have to agree with Smiley,” Spork grumbled, “On the planet theft, not the furbrained reassignment idea.”
“Heeeey. It’s not furbrained! We could scout or something!”
“Unnecessary. That is why Humans invented the internet and social networking.” Commander Easy Cheese flung the yo-yo which sounded to have hit someone off screen judging by the yowls. It glanced back briefly then shrugged. “If we want to learn about Earth we just research them the same way they research us! The internet!”
“Can we social network theeeen?” I flopped face down, wishing to be left alone to sulk.
“NO.” This time it was Spork.
“But I just want to rule the planet!!”
“If you want to rule the planet you’ll have to do that on your free time.” Commander Easy Cheese declared.
“Oh yes, more important things now.” Dr. Leech chimed in.
“We’ll arrange to have you extracted at the nearest port. What are your coordinates?” Acid Drizzle inquired.
Spork hissed and turned away, lashing its tail back and forth angrily. Some space-kitties. Space-kitties like Spork who just can’t handle all this core-donut stuff. Speaking of which, I had no clue myself so I turned my attention to the currently quiet Cheeseburger. The green furred mechanic hadn’t said a word since we had begun this somewhat unscheduled meeting.
“Hey Cheeseburger, what’s our core-donuts?”
“Coordinates are—”
“That isn’t going to help!” Spork snapped as it whipped around to face Cheeseburger.
The green Qwuedeviv scarcely flinched.
Headquarters wanted their donuts though so it was time for me to step up.
“Spork! You haven’t even heard what—”
“We can’t leave.”
“What?” Commander Acid Drizzle—unmistakably.
“Yeah, Spork!” I agreed. “What?”
“We’re missing the majority of the crew.”
“We can put that under collateral damage, right?”
Commander Easy Cheese nodded.
“That doesn’t fix anything!” Spork argued.
Commander Easy Cheese looked puzzled for a moment then shook its head.
“We still need them to back up Crew 38!”
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I think it’s long overdue that we replace Licorice. I vote we replace it! All in favor?”
I raised my paw. So did Spork followed by Cheeseburger. Kerfuffle whined and pretended to be preoccupied with some random parts that were scattered across the table. It had never had any mechanic training, so it certainly couldn’t be doing anything.
“I’m thinking Cactus could fit that nicely.” I continued.
“Cactus can’t—”
“Shush. Shush your eyes and close your face. Cactus is alive! Maybe it would replace Pokeyoo better. They both can poke stuff and—”
“COMMANDER.”
I jumped, fur fluffing up. Fatal Flaw again.
“Get your crew together and be ready for extraction in two week. Best regards.”
“Wait, but what if we don’t make—”
“I said, best regards.”
“But I’m not feeling best regarded!”
Fatal Flaw grumbled something and motioned to someone off screen. Meanwhile Easy Cheese waved with a chaotic flutter of its fingers.
“You can’t go! I need—”
The screen turned blue, error code “signal lost.”