FA+
Shop
189
Views
Views
0
Favorites
Favorites
Category
Story / General Furry Art
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50
File Size 40.3 kB
Report this content
More from Makoim
a part of my story that's FA related
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 40.3 kB
Interesting story but I had a few problems with it.
Roarec response to seeing the blood vultures in the distance. He rushes towards them and hopes that it is his wife that is getting attacked? That doesn't make much sense. You should adjust that part to mean that he hopes it isn't her or hopes she is safe.
When Sikambe appears he doesn't talk like his parent do while in front of them but when he is alone he goes back to other language. Your use of a different language was very interesting and made for good characterization but if it isn't kept up and consistent then it is just annoying for the reader. Do not start and stop it without a good reason. If that wasn't a mistake you should point it out to the reader that wasn't. Like the father looking disapprovingly at the son for using the language.
The second problem is your habit of putting "'s" on the wrong word. I make tons of spelling and grammar mistakes as well but I am sure that you only "'s" at the end of people names when describing something that belongs to someone. Like Peter's leg or Alex's car.
For example. "of a royal's life." should be "of a royal life."
and "upright against the crevasse's wall." should be "upright against the crevasse wall."
Grammar is not my strong point so I can't help there.
Overall good story but try to flesh it out a bit more. Spend a little more on the characters reactions to events and read over it a few times in the mind set of the reader. Not as the author.
You made your character feel like a different race. Which is very good. Just be sure you keep the responses to certain events believable.
P.S. To anyone reading this and wants to complain that I am criticizing someone eases work when mine isn't much better please know he asked me to.
Roarec response to seeing the blood vultures in the distance. He rushes towards them and hopes that it is his wife that is getting attacked? That doesn't make much sense. You should adjust that part to mean that he hopes it isn't her or hopes she is safe.
When Sikambe appears he doesn't talk like his parent do while in front of them but when he is alone he goes back to other language. Your use of a different language was very interesting and made for good characterization but if it isn't kept up and consistent then it is just annoying for the reader. Do not start and stop it without a good reason. If that wasn't a mistake you should point it out to the reader that wasn't. Like the father looking disapprovingly at the son for using the language.
The second problem is your habit of putting "'s" on the wrong word. I make tons of spelling and grammar mistakes as well but I am sure that you only "'s" at the end of people names when describing something that belongs to someone. Like Peter's leg or Alex's car.
For example. "of a royal's life." should be "of a royal life."
and "upright against the crevasse's wall." should be "upright against the crevasse wall."
Grammar is not my strong point so I can't help there.
Overall good story but try to flesh it out a bit more. Spend a little more on the characters reactions to events and read over it a few times in the mind set of the reader. Not as the author.
You made your character feel like a different race. Which is very good. Just be sure you keep the responses to certain events believable.
P.S. To anyone reading this and wants to complain that I am criticizing someone eases work when mine isn't much better please know he asked me to.
OK, well, when they're not talking in their native tongue they actually are. I tend to do that when I don't want to keep on looking up the words of what I'm trying to say in the language. For that, should I put their dialogue in italics? And thanks for the critique, I really needed it. BTW, this story is just part of the whole thing.
Comments