song I drew this to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADk8LOtmXfk

writing that correlates, warning it does not make much sense, I was hysterical, I broke down.

*scroll on past this. Nothing to read. Just needed to get it out of my still confusing mind.*

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's all that I can say. I'm sorry. It's all that I can think. I'm sorry. I know that you don't understand why I feel like its my fault. If it wasnt for me, I wouldn't have all these vivid images everytime I close my eyes of what could very well happen, only getting higher so I can distract myself from reality. The one thing that has me so paniced is what is giving me guilty relief. If only I was one year older, that much louder, that much bolder but I'm not. I'm exactly what I was told I was going to be since day one. The dissapointment, the one that so much hope that I didn't believe in was shoved down my throat, told not to be like my sister, and I tried so hard to avoid it, that I ended up just like her. I am the lowest of the low. Letting my two closest friends getting hurt because of me. I'm sorry. I never meant to-and I never will.

I'm sorry.. If only I did what was supposed to happen since the second I was brought into this world. If only I had done what I needed to when I started falling. They would have never gotten hurt. If only I never let those hazerdous arms carry me as he promise to fix my heart. I could have done it that night, there was nothing tying me back. But no, he promised me things, that people like me dont get. Love. I took it, only to watch him tear my life apart string by string until, before I realised, I had nothing, and then I feel. You guys picked me up, even though I didnt want it. It was the last thing I wanted. Because as time proves, nothing I care about lasts long. I wanted to finished what I started, but you were there, holding me close. The only thing on my mind is that the pills are in my pocket, and I can do it now. It can all just end. But I fell in love. In my wretched confusion of all that was going on as the peices started to form I fell too hard, too fast. I am ashamed for it. I wanted to get you off my mind, only taking me higher, bringing me closer, and it hurts so much, but I cant fight anymore. I began to let you in. I was starting to believe that maybe, just once, I wont fuck up....and now here I am, fucking things up as fast as I can, and the two closest people, including the one I was ashamed for falling for got hurt the most. I cant help but feel like slinking away, not wanting to include. I know now my place. And its not around you, or anyone I know. I failed. I should had said something again, I should have done something. I shouldnt have gotten pissed that winter afternoon and start the thing that is my toxic remedy.

My life at home is falling back to where it used to be. Just like the jumpy childhood all over again. My dad wont look at me let alone say my name. It took me 14 years to get him to like me, and here I am, and fucked it all up. The random crashing of items as he throws and breaks things twoards my room, as I am nothing but vermin in his eyes at this point. With no where to run, and no where to hide, I just take it in, nodding as he tells me about how useless I am when he decides I am good enough to insult. Because I know its true. Its something that not only he told me growing up, but a majority of my family. I was treading so lightly. I was doing so good, but I fucked up and I'm sorry. I know I will never make you happy, that I am not your kid, just something that you just a little too late to ditch. You've told me more that twice before, and now its like thats all you can say to me.

I'm sorry about the dark thoughts in your head, if you did it, I know its on me. I shouldnt even be doing what I was. It was no way your fault, and you took the blame. Now its my turn. I deserve it. I dont mean to sound like a little bitch, but you have gone through too much. I dont need this on you, I can take it, you still have opprotunities, and dreams to strive for. I dont...I never really have. So please, for me, just take a breather, I know that you arnt reading this, but I know what you feel underneath before the twisted black vines compressing your mind. I am the one to blame. No going about it. Everything baad that just happened was because of me. The fear you experienced is because of me. All of it. Because of me. If I was aged we wouldnt be where we are and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I should have been, I'm sorry for what I could have been, I'm sorry for what I want to be, I'm sorry for who I am and what I've done, and what I should have done.

If only I did what I wanted rather than trusting in "hope" none of this would have happened. If only I was one year older, you wouldnt have gotten hurt.

If only...

If only...



here I go in another sleepless night, the panic of losing you both vividly painted in my mind. The sanguinary open marks crossing through my mind, keeping my spirialling esteem in check as I try to find something real to put my mind on. Only I'm hesitating. I dont want to, but I need to.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry...sweet dreams and good night...