Heya, all~ I really missed being here but I've been really struggling and I guess I finally wanted to offer an apology/explanation for my absence.

I feel like I have a lot I need to get out but most of all
- I'm really sorry for disappearing and I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings by not responding.

It's really hard to know how much I should get into this but i guess the shortest I can make it is that around the time of my last posts I had been getting help recovering from irl traumas that really make me afraid of people and had been learning that I'm also probably neurodivergent, etc.

Despite that I was starting to do better (and honestly a lot of my recovery was thanks to this community) but in the span of about 2 weeks my insurance dropped my doctor and my therapist, then my whole apartment complex was also served an unrelated but horribly timed "no fault eviction" because my landlord wanted to raise the rent more than they are allowed to with tenants already living there. (For context: I live in the US and had "rent control" so eviction is a nifty loophole.)

I have a job and can at least afford food & gas but ultimately I'm homeless now.

I don't make enough money to live alone anywhere in this state and don't have anyone I trust enough to live with so for now I live in a car. =\

I know I should have said something sooner or done more to get help but I was still so scared of talking to people even online that I couldn't even post my art without using scheduling software like postybirb or something to take the edge off of hitting submit.
Now sadly I don't have that luxury anymore.. (no computer)

I've written this post dozens and dozens of times and always get scared and end up not submitting it.
Hopefully this time I send it.

That also sadly does mean I lost access to my desktop and lots of art that I was working on.... ))=

I do have some more art that I'm finally going to try to post if I can keep the nerve to do so but that also took awhile to make happen because I had to relearn a bunch of new software on a tablet instead.

I also don't really have privacy anymore, so finding places to do nsfw art without getting in trouble is sporadic and subject to a lot ever changing conditions.

But I think about this community everyday.
It's really a passion of mine and being away has been really hard.. but returning has been hard too.
I have been coping with a lot shame over feeling like I failed as an artist among other things.

I miss you all and the wonderful comments and notes you leave me. (even the ones I haven't replied to)

I feel scummy for saying this because I feel like I don't deserve it anymore but I also have to say thank you to anyone who supported me on Patreon.
I won't even tell you how much it helped me because I don't want to sound like I'm begging or laying it on thick, but I do want you to know I'm grateful beyond words for even the shortest bits of help.

I do plan on starting to post on FA and Patreon* again at some point (hopefully) soon if nothing else happens.

*I want to do something to make it up to my Patreons- I can't afford to refund everyone so
I've been thinking I might do something like manually sending my "early preview posts" to people that were subscribed during my absence so they don't have to rejoin?
If that sounds interesting please send me your Patreon name in a note so I know who you are. (I know some of you have multiple user names across platforms and I can't remember everyone :/ )

If I go this route it will probably be sent via a private OneDrive link or something like that so I don't need emails or anything.

I will also be posting to FA and gradually moving current things that are already over on Patreon back to FA again once I have time like I used to.

Unlike before I probably won't be posting on any specific schedule or structure due to the whole living in a car situation/anxiety/etc.
So I sincerely understand if anyone else wants to unsub too. 💕

I hope none of this comes across as fishing for subs or pity, truthfully I would rather not be talking about Patreon if I could but I felt like it would be wrong for me to not try to at least offer my apologies and and make an effort to do something in return.

More than anything I wanted to say I'm very sorry and miss you all.
I just need to feel like a part of the community again.
I've been very isolated but it's also been really difficult to reach out.
Apologies in advance if my replies are slow but I do want to start engaging again.
I'm going to do my best to fight my fears and participate again. 💕

Ps...if anyone knows of anyway to schedule posts or comments on mobile (Android) or iPad (ios) the way you can with postybirb or similar software on PC that would help me a LOT! (Something about basically having a "take-backsies" button for awhile really helped my anxiety..💔 )


Edit: Phone is dying so I may not be able to check comments until later. But I look forward to hearing from any of you. 💕