So, the past few month as been, which would be understandable to anyone who has been following, a real grind against my mental health. As I have been fighting through very black moods since Christmas, I remembered what I had been struggling with for years. Since we seem to be in the business of increasing mental health awareness these days, I figured it is time I set my own cards on the table about it.

I was diagnosed with dysthymia over 20 years ago, roughly 2006 though I can't remember the exact year. Apparently it is called "persistent depressive disorder" now which is a very good term for it, because it is always sitting in the back of your head making you miserable, like a toothache that refuses to go away. I've taken it calling it the "forever sad" since one of the hallmarks of the disease is its longevity; symptoms lasting for at least two years is one of the required criteria for diagnosis. I definitely had it for a long time even before I sought help for it, since all throughout my teen years I would have recurring bouts of depression that affected my ability to function, and I would never describe myself as a happy child.

If you're asking yourself why this has only come back to me now, guess what one of the hallmark symptoms of dysthymia is. My memory has always been garbage, especially in the short term, and it is not unusual for me to reach the end of my day with "Aw, man, I wanted to do X today." This, coupled with the problems with motivation and concentration, has made me wonder if I, until I remembered the dysthymia, had ADHD, which is still possible but for now the dysthymia seems an adequate explanation.

The other symptoms I constantly struggle with is the hopelessness. I'm a doomer by habit and it is rare that I am having a good day, which hasn't been helped by recent events both personal and societal. Anyone who knows me will probably confirm that I am not a very joyful person. Another thing they would say I am difficult to get along with or to please; that would be the irritability. It doesn't take much to get on my nerves, and I have a short temper. If it means anything to the people I have tangled with over the years, it was never satisfying for me either. Any conflict makes me spiral in misery for hours, even those I "won."

This all, of course, affects my art production. Everything you see has been pushed though the dense fog of my constant malaise, and it seems like it is one of the reasons why I am so far behind many of my peers. It makes slower than I could be if I didn't have to will myself into doing something. An example I can think of was Perfect Victim, which probably should have taken a few months, but instead took a whole year because sometimes it would take a month to get a page done, and only finished in a year because a Xmas vacation gave me a burst of energy that allowed me to get several pages done over a couple weeks. I've gotten a lot better at it with practice, but with everything going on, it has been a trial.

I've gotten better at managing my disorder over the years, but that doesn't mean there haven't been setbacks. I never had what I would consider a nurturing environment, and it seems like I can't get settled into a place where I can have anything like a proper recovery. I mentioned an unhappy childhood; I was raised in a very religious and authoritarian household, where anything resembling improper behavior was severely punished. I'll let your mind fill in the blanks because I really don't want to talk about it. Naturally, my parents weren't the kind of parents who seeks a medical intervention when their child is randomly quiet and staring misty-eyed out of windows. It doesn't help that I am probably on the spectrum as well, since I had a learning disorder that affected my speech development and my mother decided to homeschool me rather than let me go into special education, but I have no details beyond that. I don't know if I would have been better off in the public system, but I did miss out on the socialization kids are supposed to get at that age, and it likely affects me to this day. It is certainly a factor in why it is difficult for me to make friends, which isn't great for creating support networks.

After I graduated (and it is an open question of whether my high school "degree" even counts,) I went on to college. That was an especially miserable year; since I was poorly socialized and this was the first time out on my own, I was not managing myself well and wasn't fitting in very well, so much that I was de-enrolled (best term I can think of for it, was kicked out but not burned completely) after my freshman year and had to go home. It was devastating, of course, but I had figured I can still get my life back on track. However, while I was able to land a job as a machinist a few months later, I was fired after about a month with no explanation. This one-two punch killed my mental state for years after that, and all these years later I still haven't fully recovered. After a whole year of searching, I was finally able to get a part-time job, but it was a dead end and I was stuck in it for almost my entire adult life. I was slowly trying to piece something together, but my job was in newspapers which meant a slow decline. It was eventually sold a few years ago, and this seemed like a good opportunity for me because my new employers were desperate to have anyone fill out new roles, and I was finally able to do new things after many years of the same crappy dead-end job, but it was nothing but chaos under the new ownership. Worse, I was constantly being harassed and sabotaged by a toxic co-worker and, despite my many complaints upstairs, the management was never willing to discipline this employee. They eventually moved me to a different office which worked for a few months, but then a new publisher (the fourth in three years) came in, made it impossible for me to keep up with this new arrangement, and fired me when I complained about my work conditions.

So this is where I am today. My whole life has been treading water and when I feel like I am able to get ahold of something solid, it is ripped away from me. I really haven't had the opportunity to figure out what I want to do with my life because I am too busy trying to survive and deal with the stress of that. I've never been able to accrue enough wealth to get beyond basic subsistence.

This is what I am dealing with all of the time, and much more but that's beyond what I am willing to put down here. If I come across as cranky to you, this is why, and am I sorry. I really don't want to be a curmudgeon, but I really don't have much option to be anything else. This is what a life of trying to tough out a chronic mental illness does to you. I had actually had a medication for it at some point, but you know, one of the symptoms is forgetfulness and I kept forgetting, and at one point I had gotten so far behind that I gave up. I have gotten better; I'm certainly better than when I was younger, but am still not "healthy" and lord knows if I ever will be. I do need your continued support if I expect to ever get through this.

And to those who have supported me, thanks. I'm a cranky little tsundere, but I do appreciate your attempts to help me out. Some of you have stepped up since the last journal and it has left me in a better mood than I was yesterday.

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