after talking out my problems with a few people outside of all this. i finally feel much more clear headed after a very very long time.
with that i've come to the conclusion that it's best that i take a big step away from being social here. and like... this isn't a decision that's been made out of anger or frustration or depression. this is a sound decision i've made since i believe this is for my own good going forward. i'm still going to keep making art and posting it and taking coms and stuff. but i'm pretty much just relegating most of my social stuff to dm's with friends. so not gone entirely and can still be contacted.

so why am i doing this? well...
after all these years i feel like i'm finally done with trying to or wanting to be a part of things. like... from the get go i always wanted to be seen as a big proper artist but over time it never really felt that way. like no matter where i went and stuff. no matter how much i improve my art and stuff it just never went the way i wish it would. whether it be in groups or even my own server. everything kind of just got quieter and quieter. support slowly dropping and all that. so now i just don't want to put up with that anymore. i don't want to talk to someone just to not talk for months to years on end. or talk to a fellow artist just for them to get suddenly big and then they just stop talking to me entirely and just be forgotten. or commission an artist and they don't tag me in the post for some reason. or i don't want to post something somewhere and just not get any sort of feedback or interaction if at all. never get invited to collabs or get included in anything like the sort. or see someone make something that's inspired by something i made. too many times have i dealt with tracers. etc etc etc

then there's my art.
i love my art and i'm proud of what i make. especially when i spend a ton of time on a project piece and then have high expectations for it. just for those expectations to be consistently let down. it's one of the reasons i'm so hard on my stuff sometimes. because i see my work as good but it doesn't feel like that when i upload it. i mean hell every time i learn a new thing in blender and see it done in a render it feels pretty good. it's a job that's damn well done and i refuse to see it any other way. but now when i make stuff i'm just not going to have any expectations of it since it'll just lead to me getting frustrated over it.

i'm a very emotionally lonely person and being here. the art stuff. the groups and all of that. just makes me feel well... lonely. to me no matter what i do or try. i can play the game by the rules but it'll always make me feel like i'm not good enough. i'll never be good enough or successful. that i'll never be an interesting person or do anything that's worth much.

i know people will try to convince me otherwise but you gotta step into my shoes to really see what i mean here.
also for the 4 people that did reach out to try to help. sorry i didn't respond to yall. i wanted to talk but i needed to talk to people that are outside of all this. so that i could really get the answers and advice that i really needed to hear. i would've flipped if i heard the same ol same ol responses from every other time i ranted about art stuff yknow?

but yeah.
i'm taking a large step back and just breathe some air. i'm deleting my discord server and will probably leave a good chunk of the groups i'm in. just stick to dm's there. i'll probably post less work in progress stuff overall as well. i will be adding some changes to my commission rules as some boundaries were passed recently and i did not like that at all. so while this isn't a goodbye or anything of the sort. this is just me needing to mind my own business so that i can rebuild my self worth and all that jazz for my own good.