I feel like I have been making very large strides in my life of late. Over the past half a decade life has been testing me to the very edges of my limits. I have been stressed out, angry, scared, depressed, ashamed, a liar, fidelity impaired (this can even happen in an open relationship, yes), and a generally unpleasant entity to be around. However, I feel like the active changes that I have been making over just the past few months have made a dramatic transformation in the way that I interact with my friends, strangers, myself, and the world around me. I once felt connected to to the flow of mana, the lifeforce, that we all share. I feel as if I had lost the ability to navigate this vast ocean of living essence. The feeling of being cut off from the rest of the universe, and the back breaking weight of that disconnection, creates a void in your heart. I had forgotten how to feel, or rather, I had forgotten how to recognize emotion more subtle than the searing heat of anger. The soul crushing despair of unending fear, guilt, and doubt that shape denial and the rage that defends a negative sanctum to store these mind destroying "treasures".

As you can see, I would say that I was in a bad state because of the stressful situations that have strained all of my relationships and help to shutter off my mind from it's attachment the rest of.. me? Reality? Others? My family and friends? The universe as a whole. I forgot how to empathize and connect and relate to others. Worse, I could no longer even relate to my own inner self. But through all of this I held onto one idea. i held onto the idea that I am a good person and that I want to be good to others. This root ideal has kept me from falling into an ebony abyss of despair and falling apart completely. I surely did not come out of this unscathed but i think it has helped me to understand many ideas much more succinctly than my previous experiences allowed. Today I found validation in this idea.

I stopped by my favorite coffee joint and met a girl. Let's call her Rosy. She was pretty damn awesome and I am looking forward to getting to know her better. I was sitting down and just about to write down my list of priorities and to-do's as a ball of bright light (the presence of an entity who reaches for the positive aspects that life has to offer) warmed the air to my right. I looked over and this somewhat curvaceous woman with a shock of blond in her bangs was standing by me, waiting in line to acquire her cup of liquid clarity. So i did something that I have not done in years and started talking to her. First i asked about her shoes because htey were a brand that i had not heard of before and she told all about how she is a bicyclist but that she has flat feet and needs something with hard soles and support so that she can ride comfortably. Since my partner had flat feet i went ahead and told here that there is hope for that. And how even though Seamus was born with flat feet as well, he managed managed to conquer that with a custom fitted set of orthotic inserts. It took a good number of years but he is no longer flat footed and.. well.. let's just say that this appeals to me greatly. Anyway, I then asked about her bag because I really like Timbuk2 as company and the bags are really nice, so after she got her coffee, she decided to sit down with me and just babble about whatever until it was time that she really had to get to work. We got along so well that i took down her contact info and i will be inviting her over to dinner, conversation, and 420 =3

Life is getting better and I have not felt this optimistic in years.