I am writing this on the night before the last day of Anthro New England, and I have had a blast bith with the convention, and visiting Boston for the first time! There have been a lot of pros and cons in coming here, but overall the experience has been amazing! I think there's a reason I always write these journals around this time though, and it's because my emotions are highest. Although many people I think get blinded by emotion, I tend to portray my most authentic self...

I always go to conventions by myself. Reason being because I don't have any furry friends, although i've slowly started to make some. Regardless, I honestly prefer it! I like being the lone wolf who keeps to himself and has an heir of mystery, walking around at my own pace, doing my own thing. However, i've begun to realize something, and i'm not sure exactly how to feel. As I said, I like to walk alone, I really do, but while on that lonesome road, I am still surrounded by the clamoring community who I call family, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Everyone around me has their own little group. They hug and snuggle, laugh and cry with another, but that's not something I can do. I think I want to have those people who I can interact with in such a way. I want to have those people who I can make a goof with or borrow a shoulder. Sometimes I think I want to have someone who I can be romantically or even casually involved with. I want to get to know some cool people, maybe even with a little status or have commections, who I can maybe get involved with. Perhaps introduce me to more. In general, I have realized that I have a desire to be in a group or to know people who make me feel wanted, and it leaves me wondering if it's ok. Am I allowed to want what others have? Does that make me selfish? Is it just this emotional state that I know goes away a few days after an event? Am I simply envious? Do I even deserve it?

Perhaps it's just because i'm an introvert too, a socially anxious fool, but... I don't know. I've become more extroverted and confident since exposing myself to the convention environment, and because if that, I honestly don't think making friends is hard, but instead difficult. It's about knowing when to approach and how you do it, but even then, it's hit or miss. I can't count how many times I feel like i've hit it off with someone and they've either refused to reciporicate and/or simply disappeared. I want friends in this community. People I can vibe with at any given time and I don't think that's wrong. Or maybe i'm just complaining. I love all the people I know online, and greeting people in passing i've become acquainted with, but it's not the same. In all honesty, when I walk around and see people interacting with one-another, it makes me feel sad... And then I keep walking. Emotional, yet content.