I'm having a moment of weakness, and I guess I just want to put it down in writing. Apparently I want to do that in a space where I can just link it to friends and make it easy.

Hello, friends.

Ever been overwhelmed by just...everything? The state of the world. the challenges in one's life. Personal failures?

I know many of you have. Probably all of you have. Some of you have it so much worse than me, so I promise I'm not asking for anything more than an ear from those who might be interested in my latest events. Or at least the current state of my mind.

I put a lot on myself. I'm the main income for my household. I have a lot of friends I try to keep up with. Activities I want to do. Projects I keep telling myself I want to work on and develop. Offering emotional support to people around me in need. trying to get my writing commissions going again. Running a tabletop rpg "every week" ( that's in quotes for a reason. :P ).

it's a lot. Tack onto that the state of the world, which feels like its' falling apart, and the state of my house, which also feels like it's falling apart. and it's just... a lot. Every now and then, I have to relive the pressure a bit, but doing so can be just as depressing as the situation in the first place. But...as I would tell anyone I'm trying to support...sometimes you have to take care of yourself, too. Something I preach well and don't always follow through with.

Today's sacrifice? I have to disappoint a friend. There was a writing project I wanted to do for them...have been promising to do for them....for months. It's one of the reasons I've not been writing much for a while. I just...can't focus on it. It's nothing they did wrong. It's nothing wrong with the project. There's just aspects of the project that aren't clicking in my head very well and I just...can't...do it. I kept telling myself I could make it happen. Just push through. Just get it started and then it will go more smoothly. I've done this before. It usually works. Maybe it WOULD work, except I can't even get myself to do that. As a result...I've not been doing anything else, either, because how DARE I work on any other writing project while I still have this one to do? No...must set aside all else until this one is done. but I can't work on this one. I can't focus. It just...won't form properly in my mind. Even when I have an idea for it...I can't seem to summon the will to put the thing on paper. Or....document file. Whatever.

As of today...I have chosen to let it go. I have to. It's stalling everything else. All the other projects. This isn't fair to my friend. This certainly doesn't fulfill the promise. I...have failed... Which is one of my greatest fears, by the way. there's a lot of terrible things I'd suffer over failure. I hate failing. I hate disappointing others. But here we are....in order to open the gates and get myself going again...I have to break a promise, set a project aside, and just...let it go.

At last for now. It's me. I can't give up forever. Maybe I'll pick this up again later, when I'm feeling a little more up to it. Maybe once I have my routines down...a system in place...maybe then I can make this story happen. Or something similar. I owe my friend something....something to say "I'm sorry. You deserved better than for me to just...quit." They do. My friend deserves much better, but in the interest of transparency, I can't keep saying I'm going to write this thing and then just...not write it. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me. It's not even fair to you, my audience.

I feel terrible, but it's time to let go. Maybe the sense of relief will kick in after I post this. Maybe I'll be haunted for a while, but...I have to let go so I can move on. Pick this up later when I'm more prepared, but for now...I'm letting go.

And that, perhaps, is the advice I can give to all of you who read this. Sometimes...if you want to make progress...you have to let go of the thing holding you back, even if it hurts. Not always. Sometimes you can fight through....but sometimes....sometimes you have to let go so you can move on.

I'm sorry, my dear friend. I will find a way to make it up to you. I'm sorry, my dear audience. This confession might shake your faith in my dedication and integrity, but it's also the truth of the situation. I want to get working again. I want to write more. My energy is limited and drawn in a dozen directions, but I want to get going again somehow. Otherwise, what was my New Year's resolution for, hm?

I ask your forgiveness.

I ask your understanding.

I ask for you all to take care of yourselves.

That's what I'm trying to do. Take care of myself and be honest.

My best wishes, friends. May you find success in your various endeavors, and may you be able to trim the things holding you back so that you may move forward to keep growing, getting stronger, and finding your way through life towards the future you deserve.