Well. I saw it. It's not coming to the U.S. till April, though it was released in Asia a few days ago... naturally, that means that there are bootlegs floating around.

It's about as bad as you would imagine. To be honest, in the first 15 minutes or so I thought it showed promise... then the "plot" got started and it all went to hell. First of all, the movie's very short and leaves absolutely no time for character development. Piccolo is given almost no backstory, he just kinda shows up and is evil for the sake of being evil. Master Roshi, don't even get me started on him. They tried to make him as goofy as he is in the series, which DOES NOT WORK IN LIVE-ACTION so he merely comes off as annoying. Chow Yun Fat by all means should have been the best actor in the film, but poor writing and directing managed to turn him into the worst one. I can't comment on James Marsters' performance as Piccolo, since he spoke maybe five times throughout the entire movie. And then there's Yamcha, who also had very few lines, but perhaps that was for the best... I think the guy was trying to imitate Yamcha's voice from the show, and I'm sure you can guess how that worked out.

So, the plot. Goku's a high school student who's constantly bullied but can't use his powers against them because he promised his grandpa that he wouldn't. On his birthday, his grandpa gives him a Dragonball and explains that when you gather all seven you get one perfect wish blah blah blah. Goku ditches his grandpa to go to a party held by Chichi, where he finally decides to beat up his bullies and impress Chichi, who's possibly the only semi-tolerable character in this movie. Meanwhile, back home, PICCOLO SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE and uses the force to kill grandpa Gohan. No, I'm not kidding.

However, having AN ENTIRE HOUSE COLLAPSE ON HIM was not enough to actually kill Gohan before Goku gets there, and in his dying breaths he tells Goku to seek out Master Roshi.
Goku "mourns", Bulma shows up seeking the Dragonballs, and they decide to team up. They go to some city, Goku magically locates Roshi's ki, we hear some WONDERFUL acting by Chow Yun Fat ("Believe it, punk! You are getting your clock cleaned!"), and Roshi decides to train him for an entire five minutes. While traveling, they fall into a trap set by Yamcha, and after staying stuck down there for an entire day, Roshi decides to fly out of the hole and convince Yamcha to join them. (um what)


There's apparently this prophecy that on the lunar eclipse the world will end, which of course was within SEVEN DAYS AND THEY HAD TO FIND THE DRAGONBALLS BEFORE THEN. The Oozaru (giant monkey) is described as being Piccolo's disciple or something, and every time Goku finds a Dragonball he gets a brief glimpse of Oozaru destroying the world. After fighting off a bunch of demons created by Piccolo strapping himself into a bondage chair, they find another Dragonball and then decide that THERE'S ONLY TWO DAYS LEFT AND NOT ENOUGH TIME TO FIND THE OTHERS WHAT. So they go to some other city or something, we see a fighting tournament that lasts APPROXIMATELY ONE MINUTE where Chichi fights Piccolo's unexplained servant Mai, who takes some of her blood. Roshi decides he must use the Mafuba to seal Piccolo, and Winston from Ghostbusters gives him the containment vessel.

Roshi teaches Goku the Kamehameha. Goku is assisted in mastering it by Chichi, who basically promises to fuck him if he gets it right, and very shortly thereafter a fake Chichi (Mai) steals all of the Dragonballs and kills Goku by shooting him with a fucking gun. Luckily, Roshi shows up and revives him with a Kamehameha (WUT) and they set off to stop Piccolo in a flying hummer. They get there in time, Goku says he's going to destroy Piccolo AND the Oozaru, and of course it turns out URR HURR HURR ITS GOKU WUT A SUPRIZE and Goku manages to overcome it to turn back to normal by the sheer POWER OF HIS HEART AND STRENGTH OF WILL AND THE HEART OF THE CARDS AND FRIENDSHIP and then suddenly learns how to fly and kick Piccolo's ass. Oh, and Master Roshi dies attempting to use the Mafuba on Piccolo, but of course he's ressurected by the Dragonballs and the worst CGI monstrosity I've ever seen (so Goku ressurects this guy instead of his grandfather?). And all is well and they decide to find the Dragonballs again but not before Goku and Chichi decide to show their love by fighting.

AND THAT'S IT, NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS. URR HURR QUALITY FILMMAKING.