It hit me today that in less than a month, on the 4th of June, I'll be forty five. FORTY FIVE.

Like what the ever loving hell is that?

It hit me because I wanted to do something really immature on bsky where theres been some drama around babyfur hate etc etc usual stuff right, just the furry wheel of discourse ever spinning. Although I must say the amount of folk coming to our community's defense feels..stronger, like folk are finally understanding that it's not an issue really which is amazing..anyway...

I was gonna post a picture of some crayons in a 'post to scare an anti' (and I may still do it, i'm very on the fence about that) But it seemed really petty and dumb and immature and felt like it might just keep the drama burning a little longer...so I didn't, I took a step back, breathed deep and was like...no, Star, you gotta be mature about this you're old dontcha know. And I thought...Am I though? and answered.

Yeah. You're almost forty five.

Suddenly all my bones creaked with this knowledge and several hairs went grey then fell out.

I remember being told the whole ABDL/Babyfur/ageplay/regression...whatever you wanna call it, I remember being told it was just a phase that I'd grow out of. Remembering as a teen thinking I was destined to be forever alone due to being not wanting sex and wanting to be babied and my folk convinced once I got laid I'd stop being the weird one.

And here I am...almost forty frikkin five and I absolutely double downed on the weird and thank goodness for that.

But also...I'm kinda slightly sick of being the mature one, why do I have to take the responsible high ground? Like the irony in that! I cant remember the last time I was actually properly little, like proper in the headspace, and I'm just so tired of being the grown up. I'm tired of having hate online thrown at me for something I rarely get to indulge in myself. I just feel a bit burnt out from all this adulting but I also am not sure that's gonna end any time soon.

I recognise (continuing with the irony theme) that I sound like a whinny kid having a bit of a tantrum...And actually maybe I am, and actually maybe that does make me feel a little bit better, satisfied maybe?

Fuck maybe I will post the crayon picture.