I am depressed, an Adult now, and frankly, in need of a lot of things. I used to write. I used to code. I used to draw. I used to have ambition and I've come to realize it's drained from me. Everything up till now has been to "prepare" me for a life on my own, seeking what I want and need so that theoretically, I can reproduce and continue the chain of human sanctity. Well. Reproducing is out unless I get a wild hair up my ass and decide to curse some poor child with my genetics via sperm bank. I've heard about some genetic advancements that may allow me to reproduce via test tube with another male but... frankly I'm afraid I'll never grow enough as a person to raise a child to be anything other than what I am now. An abusive ass-hat who allows themselves to make parasitic bonds with the people around them.


I'm lonely. I have friends. I have, "relationships". I have sex, I have a well paying job. I have things. And I'm lonely. It's pathetic, I find myself moping over bullshit that is so... shallow. "No-one likes me" "No-one knows me" ... How is anyone supposed to know me if I keep being a goddamned shell? A husk with no substance. It's irrational, and part of the problem is that I identify it as such. God I feel dumb. I know everything thats happening. I understand how my mind is slipping, changing at a neurological level to make me want to die. And I know it's a failure of certain synapses and other bs that 5 minutes on google would explain better than I can right now. But here I am. Suffering for no reason. God dammit. 9. 9 was the age I first felt this way. Felt like I should just leave. Desist in my presence and fall back from the surrounding world and swirl down to thoughts unbearable. My tenth birthday was awkward. I remember a bunch of people crammed into my living room, when I clearly wanted to be alone. Awkward. Fuck it I'll get back to this later I'm drained.