I have yet to find it,

It escaped me last night.

All the things I thought were right.

I have some emotions I keep held tight.

I fight often in the night.

The bed bugs bite.

I am losing my light.

And all of my might.

I am nothing but a shell of my former self.

Where is that page? I needa find it.

Take this moment for what it is. Remember the sound or lack thereof.

The music has stopped, the baby has gone to sleep, the dog is resting on it's bed dreaming of being in a long distant field.

There is an odd feeling when silence comes and everything is still. When you are in the woods, and all you can hear are crickets. There is peace, tranquility. True comfort and understanding.

The motion of silence comes naturally, but when it washes over you a true calmness is felt. So, appreciate the quiet moments. Because oh how can this world be so loud.

I don't know... but I think people in my life who critque me for ever siding with trump back in the day like a fool, tend to forget i voted hillary, then I didn't vote in 2020 and then in 2024 I voted for Kamala... but when I was in that booth both times, I felt like both options were bad and I was picking the lesser of two evils. Our system is so blatantly rigged it hurts.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is I was never your enemy, never out to get you, maybe in the days where I was being pushed into a circle that I didn't fit, I may have hurt you, or said some unkind things about you, but it was only because I was feeling alone and sorry about myself.


I was sad, I wanted to have this place be the community I remembered it was when I was a kid. The togetherness I felt, and I don't think I went about it in the right ways, I was derogatory, I was defamatory, and I pushed away a lot of people and attacked certain individuals and bullied them.


I am sorry. I will not behave in similar fashion towards this community again, I have grown up. I have realized that I need to start showing more compassion and less hostility. I have learned how to accept my wrongdoings and work on them as a person.

I am in therapy and have been for a long time now and am on a thing called the act team which is something you get put on if you have severe mental health challenges, I was recently homless in the woods and had to get housing. But the act team was finally able to get me back in a place, but I feel alone. I miss my friends... my family. And not just the blood family... but my chosen family...


I miss everyone so much... and someone just came back to talk to me after years of being gone... and just... it's such a breath of fresh air to talk to them again. So if anyone out there, who remembers me, or wants to chat again because I have changed and I promise you that I have... I'm always a note away. I love the babyfur community so much. It is my home and will forever be my space... I would never leave it, and i would never leave you. Unless, like well I died or something.


Anyways, love you guys. Hope you have a good weekend. 💜

Sitting alone in the dark at 3 am, staring at a computer screen. Smoking cannabis all night with your newfound family. All is well, the phone laughs to you like a child, meows at you like a street alley cat looking for some salmon. You have the weight of millions on you, you do not realize it yet, but the burden you carry is not yours alone, but of many in similar shoes worldviews and positions. You are surviving, you are thriving. You did not think you could do it like this, win and succeed. Attain what you sought for. Lived every fantasy. You dance. You sing. You pet dogs. Your joy lightens up the room. True happiness and bliss, its a feeling you haven't felt since you were 5. Love.

All I wanted was your love, all I wanted was your acceptance, all I wanted was to talk to you, I know I went crazy, I lost myself for years and couldn't get back to reality. You were there for me until you couldn't be. But I am better now, and I have been getting things done in my life. The fact that you blocked me, the fact that I can no longer just say hello to you... it hurts, its a pain I cannot describe.


I invested my childhood and early adult years into a bond with you, and you chose to break it off with me without even telling me or giving me a reason to what I did. I didn't even get an answer. Just a block and I feel I deserve more than that. I deserve honesty. And I will go to my grave probably waiting on that answer.


I want to know just what I did, how I hurt you, and I want to apologize. My heart aches writing this. There are tears in my face that don't fall. I just wish you knew how much you meant to me and how much it hurt to realize I can no longer call on you as a friend. I loved you. And now your gone, moved on to someone else and are giving them your attention in replace of me...


It's ok... I will still hold onto the good memories we had, those chats that made me happy and you made me feel safe when no one else would. This isn't a journal trying to tell you off, or to say fuck you to you, it's journal to say that I love and miss you and I am so very sorry how everything turned out.

I love you all here so very much. Every one of you. The Fandom has brought me many happy memories of the years and even though not all of it has been happy, I have met some amazing people here and have been able to create my own art. I have gotten so much advice here over the years, and the Fandom saved my life. So to all the furries regardless of what sect of the Fandom you are in. Thanks for just being furry.

Ow. Owie. Ouch. Oof. Ergh. Grahh.

Grow old. Move forward. These are lessons that take time. I still remember life before the rhymes.

Nostalgia is a blinder, peer too hard you lose your mind. Fly far amongst the stars, you don't know what you have inside.

I'm living on borrowed time. A mask I wear to cover up the lies. My friends and family and even strangers in the night, I hear their lonesome cries.

Please don't ever lose your hope, and let your spirit die.

Seriously. Getting really tiring going to view certain pages and art and find out the artist or commissioner has their galleries completely wiped and no where to access certain images.

You do realize I like your art right?


I deleted a few pieces from my gallery years ago, and I lost those images forever. I can never get them back.

If you loved your art you wouldn't delete it.

I'm doing ok. It's getting colder... last night was pretty cold. I tried keeping warm by sitting under blankets and stuff, i was warm but I really wasn't able to sleep. I am looking for housing still, it seems to be moving forward but it's not quick enough... I am surviving... every day I wake up and put my feet to the ground. I can and will not give up.

I am going through a lot of emotions lately. I'm damaged... I cry a lot more than I use too. I scream and get angry. I disassociate completely. 💔 and I am in the woods in a tent trying to change my own diapers... it's really hard being autistic. I feel judged. People drive by and yell slurs at me. I just... I don't know what this life is. Or how it got this bad... or why it got this bad. Why was I treated like this, when I gave everyone all I had.

All these somber days. All these arguments. All these melancholy moments. All these long drawn out hours. All these rainstorms. All these battles. All these tears. I wouldn't trade it all.

I mostly just post journals now, I've been out of commissioning art for a while due to low income and now I'm homeless so you probably won't see new art of caleb unless someone draws him like a request but i don't even request artists usually.

I guess what im saying is dont expect any new art any time soon. Just expect journals every now and then.

I miss my puppy butt. My lil puppy dog. I wasn't the greatest, I was mean, I made things worse sometimes. But I miss my puppy. He was everything I could have dreamed for and more. I still think back of all the times my lil puppy butt made me happy, made me feel safe and it always makes me feel calm again.

I don't know where my puppy went... but I hope they are ok, I hope their days are better than mine, I hope they still have a roof over their head and food to eat and someone loves them better than I could.

We live in some very polarizing times. I admit I have said some crass things in the past. I do apologize for any harm my behavior has caused over the years and in the current. Because listen. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I have meltdowns and I yell and scream and I feel it's s part of my autism. So if I ever yell at you, or get irate. Please bear with me. As I'm probably going through a lot in that moment to cause that reaction.


I dont think people realize if they coddled me a bit more. And made me feel safer than I am I wouldn't have to get so frustrated.


Anyways. As for a life update. Im still homeless and in a tent. And its almost winter... its getting cold. But im optimistic about housing.

SESH

https://youtu.be/pbyZ7T2LhLQ

I know a lot of people will tell you that you shouldn't say sorry. But I think that's stupid. If I feel sorry and truly ashamed I will voice it.


Anyways, why am I saying sorry. Well I guess what I'm saying sorry for is allowing my politics to align with a bigot about 5 years back. I watched so many of my friends leave because of who I supported. Just know that I never voted for the man. I voted against him both times...


Which makes me so confused as to why I even supported him when he was president last. I think it was because of the people who I was around. People made it seem like he was ok. Like all the allegations against him were hearsay. I also couldn't speak out less I face bullying from others. So I guess the reason I blindly followed was out of fear.


I am sorry to those whom feel I betrayed them. Just know that I do not support him now, and I'm doing everything in my power to rebel against a broken system. A system that only serves to hurt us, to hurt others on the basis of who they identify as.


I am so sorry that the world is so grim right now, im sorry I didnt speak up sooner, and im sorry I let you down. I hate myself, I feel like there is nothing I can do to right my wrongs... but please know that I love all of you, and I would give my life to know that all of you were safe and protected.


So I apologize. I am sorry, and I will try to be better.

Life is hard right now. Im homeless, living in a tent, i have a skin infection I'm trying to treat, and I just got diagnosed with sciatica.

I'm breaking down, I have been crying a lot to myself wondering why I feel like I'm being forgotten. I feel like no one wants to help, or no one can.

I have been writing a lot more, been freaking out too about people accusing me of pedophilia. Because that is also happening in my life.

Im stressed, I want to wear a diaper, but I am too scared of all the other homless people out here stabbing me for thinking im a pedo for wearing one. So I guess its back to not wearing them, and only wishing I could.


To all the babyfurs who can pad up right now, I'm jealous... im too afraid to be myself right now, because one false move could mean someone trying to kill me. Its just how it is out here.


I will remain strong. I will fight. I will keep doing what I need to do to survive... and to anyone who read my last journal when I said thanks for nothing... I apologize. I was in a dark space and I just said that...


Anyways. Love you all, and I'll try to keep you all updated.

Hey... well. It's like when I was 13 again. Not able to do the things I want to do really. Have people controlling my daily life, can't wear the clothes I want to wear.

But its different this time. I'm homeless and in a tent. And I live next to a bunch of other homless addicts. Addicts that do more things than I do.

My tent is constantly approached. I cannot wear padding for the life of me. And it's not just out of fear of embarrassment that someone might see me in a diaper.

Given the political climate. I am afraid that if I express my little side in anyway I could be killed. That I could be straight up fucking murdered.

So I'll just sit here. Alone in my tent. Losing every bit that was once me. Losing my inner child, losing my sense of wonder about the world, and losing my sanity.

Thanks for nothing.

I know we have grown distant. But I know you are still there. I am still here too. I love you. And the world will get better one day I promise. This goes out to one of my past lovers. Not a day goes by where I don't think of the good times we had.

I'm hurt. It stings. Spent my whole life looking for diamond rings. I'm angry, I'm sad. Don't know if I'll ever be a dad. This shit just makes me mad.

Life is such a tiresome fad.

A show. A game. People selling their soul for fame.

What a joke. Not worth the time. I'm just broke and all I do is rhyme.

I wish I could go back to a simpler time.

I guess that even a picture in my own head is a crime.

Why do I even bother. What's the use.

Spent 24 solid years with drug abuse.

And I'm only 29. I'll tell you right now these drugs are not a victimless crime.

I have done my time.

Life is now just sublime.

Thinking back. It use to make sense. The thoughts in my head that use to make me feel dense.

I would sit in my room, there was no doom nor gloom, all I could do to pass the time was sit and talk to you.

Do you feel shame, are you embarrassed of where I've gone. Did I bring you unwanted fame and attention, are you wondering what went wrong?

I'm sad and tortured my soul enriched in agony, got issues with my dad and mom I apologize for the misogyny.

I have problems with the system, and I think it benefits some, runs circles on the others labeling people defective and dumb.

We live to serve the rich and some willingly lick their boots, life is now too simplified making us too willing to forget our roots.

I guess what I'm saying is their is not that much time now, in the grand scheme of reality the curtains about to close so take your final bow.