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Sometimes I Worry.
4 years ago
General
Sometimes I really wonder if it's reasonable to be afraid of being comfortable about the things I like. If that doesn't make sense, I guess an easier way to say it is... I think I care too much about what people think about me.
... I wish I could find it in myself to do it. A tattered sense of self-confidence will do that.
I think I know why, though.
I've no intention of giving out my full name, but I will reveal what others close to me have called me- Ace. As a Latino you sometimes run the risk of your family giving you several names, sometimes because your parents want to name you after both of your grandfathers. I lucked out because the first three letters of all three names (one first name, two middle names) spelled out "Ace" and the nurse writing the information was smart enough to point it out to them.
This is relevant. Stick with me.
There is a perspective that parents these days are too accommodating of their children's needs and will say things like "you can do anything you want," or some variation of reaching for your dreams. I don't think I ever had any real aspirations, just moments of daydreaming where I'd imagine what it'd be like to be anybody else. I was constantly reminded that I could be the best at anything I wanted to be, that the name "Ace" was supposed to reflect that I could be great at everything I wanted to be.
... But I'm not. Nobody is.
The backlash of being told you're special and that you can grasp the stars because it's within your reach is that when you realize just how far you've fallen utterly short of the mark, the pain of the fall is that much worse. When you're given that bullshit test in high school that's supposed to tell you what you should aspire to be, a reflection of your current skill and direction, you don't think much of it. 10 years later you're sitting there wondering why you're a goddamn courier for an insurance company when you were told you should have gotten into fashion school; and sometimes, in wondering, you begin to feel that your only mark on the world is to be a failure.
Can you rise above it? Sure. Many people have. But not everyone is going to be known by millions- I'm lucky enough to be known by at least one hundred people, if only as a name on the internet. You can only hope that you will be remembered fondly by the people who are your friends and family, and put as much focus into them as you can. I mean -real- friends- not the thousands of facebook acquaintances that were never spoken to at any point.
... I didn't know that, years ago. So when I felt the sting of failure repeatedly, I started being afraid of being what I wanted instead of just being happy that I... was. It wasn't helped by the fact I was put into sports, took up the violin, had a private poem I wrote be sent to a publisher for them to make money off of on the promise that I'd be entered into some bullshit contest where a given piece would be read in the White House (fucking really, Dad? I was 13 and even then I knew it was bullshit); at best, I was mediocre and just lucky enough to be on the winning team- but it never felt like a success.
I think there's a point where, after failing to live up to somebody else's expectations, you just... give up. And when you try to work for yourself, succeed for yourself and just be happy with yourself, you end up starting to measure that success by other people's reactions.
You stop doing it for yourself- or worse, you begin to do it for anybody but yourself.
Because you suck.
Nobody wants you. You are a loser, a failure. Nobody likes you. They only like what they think you are, even if it's not the real you. You can't even fake it half the time, you are so fucking awkward. Anything you can do, everyone else can do better, has done it first, and gets more appreciation for doing it. Nobody wants to know the weird shit you are into- that's what got you into this mess in the first place. Nobody wants to know what you think- you are not qualified to give an opinion because you are incompetent. If you keep your fucking mouth shut, maybe you can at least lead a quiet life in the shadows where nobody can see you, being at least comfortable in being nobody important.
...
It can be so hard to see your self-worth, when that's what you think of yourself.
I don't want anyone to worry about what I'm writing. I'm not feeling this way now. I'm only writing what was holding me back then, and what's still holding me back a little. Slowly, I think I'm getting better- I'm starting to see my self-worth a little more. Maybe someday I'll learn to appreciate being myself and not caring what anyone thinks.
... I wish I could find it in myself to do it. A tattered sense of self-confidence will do that.
I think I know why, though.
I've no intention of giving out my full name, but I will reveal what others close to me have called me- Ace. As a Latino you sometimes run the risk of your family giving you several names, sometimes because your parents want to name you after both of your grandfathers. I lucked out because the first three letters of all three names (one first name, two middle names) spelled out "Ace" and the nurse writing the information was smart enough to point it out to them.
This is relevant. Stick with me.
There is a perspective that parents these days are too accommodating of their children's needs and will say things like "you can do anything you want," or some variation of reaching for your dreams. I don't think I ever had any real aspirations, just moments of daydreaming where I'd imagine what it'd be like to be anybody else. I was constantly reminded that I could be the best at anything I wanted to be, that the name "Ace" was supposed to reflect that I could be great at everything I wanted to be.
... But I'm not. Nobody is.
The backlash of being told you're special and that you can grasp the stars because it's within your reach is that when you realize just how far you've fallen utterly short of the mark, the pain of the fall is that much worse. When you're given that bullshit test in high school that's supposed to tell you what you should aspire to be, a reflection of your current skill and direction, you don't think much of it. 10 years later you're sitting there wondering why you're a goddamn courier for an insurance company when you were told you should have gotten into fashion school; and sometimes, in wondering, you begin to feel that your only mark on the world is to be a failure.
Can you rise above it? Sure. Many people have. But not everyone is going to be known by millions- I'm lucky enough to be known by at least one hundred people, if only as a name on the internet. You can only hope that you will be remembered fondly by the people who are your friends and family, and put as much focus into them as you can. I mean -real- friends- not the thousands of facebook acquaintances that were never spoken to at any point.
... I didn't know that, years ago. So when I felt the sting of failure repeatedly, I started being afraid of being what I wanted instead of just being happy that I... was. It wasn't helped by the fact I was put into sports, took up the violin, had a private poem I wrote be sent to a publisher for them to make money off of on the promise that I'd be entered into some bullshit contest where a given piece would be read in the White House (fucking really, Dad? I was 13 and even then I knew it was bullshit); at best, I was mediocre and just lucky enough to be on the winning team- but it never felt like a success.
I think there's a point where, after failing to live up to somebody else's expectations, you just... give up. And when you try to work for yourself, succeed for yourself and just be happy with yourself, you end up starting to measure that success by other people's reactions.
You stop doing it for yourself- or worse, you begin to do it for anybody but yourself.
Because you suck.
Nobody wants you. You are a loser, a failure. Nobody likes you. They only like what they think you are, even if it's not the real you. You can't even fake it half the time, you are so fucking awkward. Anything you can do, everyone else can do better, has done it first, and gets more appreciation for doing it. Nobody wants to know the weird shit you are into- that's what got you into this mess in the first place. Nobody wants to know what you think- you are not qualified to give an opinion because you are incompetent. If you keep your fucking mouth shut, maybe you can at least lead a quiet life in the shadows where nobody can see you, being at least comfortable in being nobody important.
...
It can be so hard to see your self-worth, when that's what you think of yourself.
I don't want anyone to worry about what I'm writing. I'm not feeling this way now. I'm only writing what was holding me back then, and what's still holding me back a little. Slowly, I think I'm getting better- I'm starting to see my self-worth a little more. Maybe someday I'll learn to appreciate being myself and not caring what anyone thinks.
Lots of love!
Vashie
Again, just to make it clear- the entire "you" section of the journal was not what I'm feeling now, or what I was feeling when I wrote it. After a year of therapy, though, I was able to look back and understand what I was thinking about myself in the past; things that kept me reserved and preventing me from opening up. ^^; Reading about Rick Griffin opening about about not wanting to separate his SFW artwork from his adult artwork made me feel envious of his attitude; I want to be happy with myself enough that I don't have to hide who I am. And I think I'm slowly getting there. ^_^
Never stop being you, it might not like it but you've done allot that have helped many others in ways you may not be aware of. For example your stories help some people get through a truly horrid day the streams you do and invite others to witness are a moment of peace to some, etc. You've done allot of great things for being just who you are so don't let others tell you who you were suppose to be.