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Update -- Checkpoint.
3 months ago
General
This year has been half a bitch to get through.
I feel envious at times. It's kind of fucked up, but... it seems like anytime I get a rhythm in doing something, I get shown up by someone in my family who picks it up and goes in hard with it. First it was drawing. That didn't go anywhere. But then it was writing. I feel like all my talent and motivation just got sapped away the moment someone else started getting into it. And I know it's not because I'm being looked up to. It's likely my imagination, but... it still hurts.
Artist I followed started... "writing." And started getting a hell of a lot more views than I ever will. I don't really even know what I'm doing right or wrong. All I know is that even when I'm able to focus and put energy into writing, putting actual love and meager talent into it, I barely make a ripple. I put up 10 chapters of a Guild Wars/Final Fantasy Tactics crossover I'd been working on. It just... isn't getting the attention I'd hoped.
Streaming feels dead these days. I don't know how to change things up; I'm barely able to engage with what few viewers show up. I constantly get the distinct feeling that I'm shunted into the background. And I feel like that's where I'm always going to end up. I don't know where any of my passion has gone.
Thinking of having discord voice chat open when I'm streaming, just to generate some conversation -- non-political conversation. Friend of mine pointed out it seemed I was more engaging, happier, when I did it last time. Will also make an effort to have more multiplayer nights, maybe on Fridays and Saturdays.
As far as commissions...
... I'm so fucking sorry.
I had a breakdown last week. That and stomach issues were part of the reason I cancelled a couple of streaming sessions. I made the horrible mistake of saving some of the drafts I was working on for alot of commissions on SoFurry at the beginning of the summer -- before it went down. I've been waiting over half a year for the site to go back up, only to find out recently that private submissions and drafts will not be transferred to the new site.
... Meaning I'll have to start several of those commissions from scratch. Please bear with me. I'm trying my best.
On the side of friends, I thankfully have two or three who reach out to let me know what's going on. Everyone else... I don't know where they've gone. Sometimes... I get the feeling that I'm a terrible friend. That maybe I get too uncomfortable to be around. I sometimes get acidic over small things, but other times I feel like I'm being gaslit, like others are trying to convince me that I'm in the wrong. I mean... for fuck's sake, I had someone tell me they thought I was in a cult because I raised concerns after some racist prick used a racist slur at me; in addition to having political disagreements with their views. I've had to limit who I speak to, now; to the point where I've suggested that a mutual friend probably shouldn't talk to me in private any longer so as not to damage their relationship with the one who accused me of being in a cult. Though as several friends (or people who I think are friends, at least) know, I almost never let their political differences dictate whether I can be friends with them.
... But I still wonder all the same. It's lonely enough not knowing what to say that might set someone off; it's worse when I'm so fucking afraid to even engage because I don't know who is a friend and who isn't.
There are things I want to talk to other people about, things that have been on my mind. Stuff I need to get off my chest. And I'm afraid to do it. Because I feel like it's only gonna matter to me. Bringing it up to the people it's pertinent to, I get the feeling that I'm the only one who gives a damn about it; and if I do manage to work up the nerve to talk to them, it'll come off as making a big deal about something that never mattered to them. There's a friend I took a break from for a few months, and there are things that I resent not saying because I didn't want to damage any part of our friendship. Now I'm wondering if I should have said something because time and perspective has me wondering if excuses were being made, or if I would be able to talk it out in my own defense.
... So yeah. That's my checkpoint. Not that great.
I feel envious at times. It's kind of fucked up, but... it seems like anytime I get a rhythm in doing something, I get shown up by someone in my family who picks it up and goes in hard with it. First it was drawing. That didn't go anywhere. But then it was writing. I feel like all my talent and motivation just got sapped away the moment someone else started getting into it. And I know it's not because I'm being looked up to. It's likely my imagination, but... it still hurts.
Artist I followed started... "writing." And started getting a hell of a lot more views than I ever will. I don't really even know what I'm doing right or wrong. All I know is that even when I'm able to focus and put energy into writing, putting actual love and meager talent into it, I barely make a ripple. I put up 10 chapters of a Guild Wars/Final Fantasy Tactics crossover I'd been working on. It just... isn't getting the attention I'd hoped.
Streaming feels dead these days. I don't know how to change things up; I'm barely able to engage with what few viewers show up. I constantly get the distinct feeling that I'm shunted into the background. And I feel like that's where I'm always going to end up. I don't know where any of my passion has gone.
Thinking of having discord voice chat open when I'm streaming, just to generate some conversation -- non-political conversation. Friend of mine pointed out it seemed I was more engaging, happier, when I did it last time. Will also make an effort to have more multiplayer nights, maybe on Fridays and Saturdays.
As far as commissions...
... I'm so fucking sorry.
I had a breakdown last week. That and stomach issues were part of the reason I cancelled a couple of streaming sessions. I made the horrible mistake of saving some of the drafts I was working on for alot of commissions on SoFurry at the beginning of the summer -- before it went down. I've been waiting over half a year for the site to go back up, only to find out recently that private submissions and drafts will not be transferred to the new site.
... Meaning I'll have to start several of those commissions from scratch. Please bear with me. I'm trying my best.
On the side of friends, I thankfully have two or three who reach out to let me know what's going on. Everyone else... I don't know where they've gone. Sometimes... I get the feeling that I'm a terrible friend. That maybe I get too uncomfortable to be around. I sometimes get acidic over small things, but other times I feel like I'm being gaslit, like others are trying to convince me that I'm in the wrong. I mean... for fuck's sake, I had someone tell me they thought I was in a cult because I raised concerns after some racist prick used a racist slur at me; in addition to having political disagreements with their views. I've had to limit who I speak to, now; to the point where I've suggested that a mutual friend probably shouldn't talk to me in private any longer so as not to damage their relationship with the one who accused me of being in a cult. Though as several friends (or people who I think are friends, at least) know, I almost never let their political differences dictate whether I can be friends with them.
... But I still wonder all the same. It's lonely enough not knowing what to say that might set someone off; it's worse when I'm so fucking afraid to even engage because I don't know who is a friend and who isn't.
There are things I want to talk to other people about, things that have been on my mind. Stuff I need to get off my chest. And I'm afraid to do it. Because I feel like it's only gonna matter to me. Bringing it up to the people it's pertinent to, I get the feeling that I'm the only one who gives a damn about it; and if I do manage to work up the nerve to talk to them, it'll come off as making a big deal about something that never mattered to them. There's a friend I took a break from for a few months, and there are things that I resent not saying because I didn't want to damage any part of our friendship. Now I'm wondering if I should have said something because time and perspective has me wondering if excuses were being made, or if I would be able to talk it out in my own defense.
... So yeah. That's my checkpoint. Not that great.
Writing is always underappreciated in the fandom, and an artist would already have people looking at their stuff, so that gives them a leg up in an already visible audience who has certain expectations.
I will say that the "Writing for other people to see" is a trap. Write because it's the story YOU want to tell and if others like it...so much the better, but you should put it out there for you, not for external praise. That's how burnout and audience capture happens.