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Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated
6 years ago
General
Noticing that the last time I posted anything here was about five years ago, I feel like it would be a good time to kinda update everyone on the lynx. Hopefully someone is still watching this space!
I've not been okay in a really long time. Like...REALLY long. Some of this was holdover from the abusive boss I had at my last company(which went bankrupt with me as their accountant, and therefore I got ALL the angry phone calls to deal with), some was the physical results of not taking care of myself for thirty-some-odd years, and some was just plain dysfunctional shit with my brain that had never been treated. Add on severe financial distress and...I broke. Complete and utter shutdown, push EVERYONE away, crawl into a hole and hide until the world ends. It took about 4 years to pull myself free, and the last year has been nothing but working on personal growth and self care. I'm STARTING to come around, I'm STARTING to feel like a person again, but there have been a whole lot of revelations in my journey that take some working through.
It started with my decision to get into shape. I've never bothered before, it was never a big deal to me. Doesn't take a whole lot of physical fitness to sit at a desk, right? But I was hurting literally every minute of the day, so to the gym I went. It was hard at first, going three nights a week and only being able to do a small amount, but I've been going every night for 5 years now and seeing some pretty gratifying results. The Wife as well as a lot of our swinger friends approve strongly of the added muscle, and I approve of the smaller waistline(ok, the muscles are cool too). Unfortunately, this meant we discovered I don't walk correctly...and the increased physical activity ended up making it worse. Hello physical therapy and frequent chiropractor visits until I could correct my 'waddling'.
As part of my decision to get into better shape and be healthier, I pretty much gave up soda. I'd started the process after having to have my gallbladder removed(the acid in soda causes gallstones) because previously I would kill a 12 pack a day. This meant I was healthier, sure, but we started noticing that I was having a lot of other unexplained problems. I was making constant, unending mistakes at work. Small things, things I had done correctly a thousand times before. My Wife and I fought CONSTANTLY, over and over again until every fight was potentially the Last Fight. It seemed like She was over-reacting to absolutely EVERYTHING I did, and to Her it seemed like I was never listening, would talk over Her, not consider Her, and treat Her like crap. It got BAD. Until one day She asked if I'd ever been tested for ADHD.
ADHD? I don't have ADHD, what are you, crazy? I'm not hyperactive, I don't bounce off the walls...hell, I can barely muster the energy to talk loudly! But something made me research. Something made me listen that time. Turns out ADHD isn't just hyperactivity, it can also manifest in listening but not HEARING, in constantly interrupting, in impatience, in making small mistakes time and time again because you THINK you're paying attention when you're not. Because of Her I went to the doctor and got tested, he immediately put me on Adderrall, and since that day I've been present. I've been able to listen. I've been BETTER, as a mate and a person. I've ALSO discovered I've never felt emotions strongly my whole life...and I discovered that by them KICKING MY ASS.
Have you ever been exhausted because you were too happy? Have you ever had a sobbing, crying fit in the work bathroom because you remembered a sad dog story you read a WEEK PRIOR?! I have now!
But once the initial period was over and adjusted to, it has been amazing, and truly wonderful. I have a renewed, joyous appreciation for life and the people around me.
The end result of all of this is that I have started writing again. Slowly, but I'm writing. Eventually I'll have enough to start posting again, but I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me while I got my shit sorted out. Watch this space, the big kitty will ride again.
I've not been okay in a really long time. Like...REALLY long. Some of this was holdover from the abusive boss I had at my last company(which went bankrupt with me as their accountant, and therefore I got ALL the angry phone calls to deal with), some was the physical results of not taking care of myself for thirty-some-odd years, and some was just plain dysfunctional shit with my brain that had never been treated. Add on severe financial distress and...I broke. Complete and utter shutdown, push EVERYONE away, crawl into a hole and hide until the world ends. It took about 4 years to pull myself free, and the last year has been nothing but working on personal growth and self care. I'm STARTING to come around, I'm STARTING to feel like a person again, but there have been a whole lot of revelations in my journey that take some working through.
It started with my decision to get into shape. I've never bothered before, it was never a big deal to me. Doesn't take a whole lot of physical fitness to sit at a desk, right? But I was hurting literally every minute of the day, so to the gym I went. It was hard at first, going three nights a week and only being able to do a small amount, but I've been going every night for 5 years now and seeing some pretty gratifying results. The Wife as well as a lot of our swinger friends approve strongly of the added muscle, and I approve of the smaller waistline(ok, the muscles are cool too). Unfortunately, this meant we discovered I don't walk correctly...and the increased physical activity ended up making it worse. Hello physical therapy and frequent chiropractor visits until I could correct my 'waddling'.
As part of my decision to get into better shape and be healthier, I pretty much gave up soda. I'd started the process after having to have my gallbladder removed(the acid in soda causes gallstones) because previously I would kill a 12 pack a day. This meant I was healthier, sure, but we started noticing that I was having a lot of other unexplained problems. I was making constant, unending mistakes at work. Small things, things I had done correctly a thousand times before. My Wife and I fought CONSTANTLY, over and over again until every fight was potentially the Last Fight. It seemed like She was over-reacting to absolutely EVERYTHING I did, and to Her it seemed like I was never listening, would talk over Her, not consider Her, and treat Her like crap. It got BAD. Until one day She asked if I'd ever been tested for ADHD.
ADHD? I don't have ADHD, what are you, crazy? I'm not hyperactive, I don't bounce off the walls...hell, I can barely muster the energy to talk loudly! But something made me research. Something made me listen that time. Turns out ADHD isn't just hyperactivity, it can also manifest in listening but not HEARING, in constantly interrupting, in impatience, in making small mistakes time and time again because you THINK you're paying attention when you're not. Because of Her I went to the doctor and got tested, he immediately put me on Adderrall, and since that day I've been present. I've been able to listen. I've been BETTER, as a mate and a person. I've ALSO discovered I've never felt emotions strongly my whole life...and I discovered that by them KICKING MY ASS.
Have you ever been exhausted because you were too happy? Have you ever had a sobbing, crying fit in the work bathroom because you remembered a sad dog story you read a WEEK PRIOR?! I have now!
But once the initial period was over and adjusted to, it has been amazing, and truly wonderful. I have a renewed, joyous appreciation for life and the people around me.
The end result of all of this is that I have started writing again. Slowly, but I'm writing. Eventually I'll have enough to start posting again, but I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me while I got my shit sorted out. Watch this space, the big kitty will ride again.
Right there with you on the decision to stay in shape. Weight loss has been a personal journey of mine as well and there's always room for improvement. I managed to kick the soda habit too (Dr. Pepper!) with the help of flavored seltzer waters. It's been a major factor of health improvements in my life.
While I have not been diagnosed with ADHD (or anything specific), many of my closest friends are on the spectrum and have experience with finding the right mix of medications and therapy. Continue your regimen, and never be discouraged from using your medication.
The emotional turmoil you're experiencing, the crashing waves of tears and bliss, they will not diminish in potency. You will only grow more experienced at living them. Allow yourself to cry. From brain chemistry reasons, if nothing else.
Welcome back, glad to see you alive and kicking.
kidding! Glad to hear you're doing so much better; I'll try to do my part to reconnect, as well.
I myself went through a period of self-reflection this year, and fortunately had the means to escape to Scotland and volunteer for 9 months. It’s wonderful to take a different perspective on yourself and your choices from within, to allow change to manifest into minute tics that eventually develop into daily habits.
I’m so happy to hear you’re back!
If you feel the desire to reconnect and catch up, I'll be happy to chat ^_^
Give your wifey a big hug from Joybun and Merry Christmas!!