I'm writing this at midnight after sobbing into my pillow. I don't expect anything to come from this but I need a place to put my thoughts

I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Lately I've been feeling shitty, feeling worthless, unwanted, and worst; having thoughts that I'd be better off just not playing the game of life.

I have no IRL friends and I'm losing the few internet friends I have because I never put in the effort to keep in touch. A few years ago I was making friends online every day, now I've forgotten how to talk to people and not seem like the fucking moron I really am.

I buy art to help me get through tough times, so I try to befriend artists. Asking if we can be friends is pathetic and I don't want to be seen as trying to get a discount or anything. So I end up spending most of my salary on stuff that I can't even touch.

I have incredible jealousy for everything, it's so petty. I get an art that I wanted and it's cool for 5 minutes until the next person gets something from that artist and I'm left wondering why all of a sudden mine looks shit in comparison. It doesn't, that's just my fucked up brain refusing to be reasonable.

People around me are moving on with their life, getting jobs, friends, married, having kids, and it all just makes me jealous. I'm not going to pretend it's remotely justified for me to feel that way but it tears me up. Literally today one friend told me she uses Tinder, and the feelings that elicited are petty and retarded.

It doesn't help that I'm in the UK and all my friends are in the US, I can't visit anyone or make any meaningful connections. Even if I could, being trans makes me not want to meet people out of self-confidence issues. I don't know if I'm going to live long enough to see myself be comfortable with my body.

My best friend deactivated their FA because they weren't using it, I've failed as a friend to her. I've fucked up so many times when she was begging me for help to be a decent person that she's locked herself off to everything except talking to me about basic things. I love her so much but I can't believe her when she says she loves me. How could she?

I just want to give up, a few people would be sad if I went but they'd move on. I don't have a worthwhile impact in anyone's life. If this is PMS caused by my hormones then I don't know how I'm going to cope with feeling like this every month. If it's not, then I don't know if it'll ever go away.

Tl;dr, I'm a useless sack of shit and I hate myself.