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Lost
8 years ago
General
This past year has been pretty horrible with many upsets and downturns..
Prison, loss of the woman I loved, things being rough starting back into life, rolling my car, and life in general just kicking me in the teeth constantly.
I haven't found much happiness or solace being outside of the walls. It is better but I just don't feel any hope or aspirations for the future. I kinda feel dead inside or something amounting to a ghost, something nobody wants to talk about or see, something nobody understands. I basically just don't care anymore. Nothing really brings me any joy anymore, I have no interest in cons, anime, gaming, sex, etc. It all just feels empty and wasted.
I pretty much live at work if I can because it is the only thing that occupies my mind and distracts me from the pain in my heart. If I could I would just work every single day 10-12hrs and not bat an eyelash. As it is I work over without being paid just because I don't want to leave and go back to my life.
I still struggle with thoughts of suicide often, its been and up and down battle between several medications and a hospitalization. Groups and therapy, it all just feels pointless and I don't get anything from them anymore. I assume it's just my lack of care or hope, therefore I have the mindset to just accept misery and remain there. At least nothing changes there. I've had manic bouts of trying to go out and socialize or meet somebody new and it either just falls apart or I fall apart. I either am judged for who and what I am, or it falls apart because my heart cannot let go. I haven't moved on and I don't want too.
I've had a lot of realizations and a healthy taste of my own medicine in more ways than I could go into here. It's given me a perspective that is much different and less self centered. It's also left me completely at odds with myself and wanting anything for myself. I don't deserve anything, and I believe myself incapable of being happy.
I am alone and isolated, I don't talk to anyone anymore. I haven't seen or talked to my friends in months and I honestly don't care. I've accepted I am forgotten and that's fine. Perhaps they just don't know what to do. It's been rough in general talking to or associating with people who care about me. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious. I don't feel I belong, and I don't want to be noticed. I rather be forgotten. Perhaps it makes it easier for me to remain miserable, and maybe I figure pushing people away and being forgotten will allow me to let go, to finally put an end to my story.
I sleep next to my end, perhaps it gives me comfort knowing it is so close.. to help me forget my worries and sorrows, the knowledge I can be over if I choose.
My time alone is spent staring at a computer screen, and not in the typical sense. Literally staring at a screen with nothing on it, just sitting there quietly.
Why am I writing this? Perhaps to just vent some of my feelings.. To have something to do. To process. Perhaps, maybe, somebody may actually see this however, I realize that is unlikely. It's more for my personal record.
I'm lost and hopeless. Empty...
Already dead...
Already gone...
Ready to be forgotten.
Prison, loss of the woman I loved, things being rough starting back into life, rolling my car, and life in general just kicking me in the teeth constantly.
I haven't found much happiness or solace being outside of the walls. It is better but I just don't feel any hope or aspirations for the future. I kinda feel dead inside or something amounting to a ghost, something nobody wants to talk about or see, something nobody understands. I basically just don't care anymore. Nothing really brings me any joy anymore, I have no interest in cons, anime, gaming, sex, etc. It all just feels empty and wasted.
I pretty much live at work if I can because it is the only thing that occupies my mind and distracts me from the pain in my heart. If I could I would just work every single day 10-12hrs and not bat an eyelash. As it is I work over without being paid just because I don't want to leave and go back to my life.
I still struggle with thoughts of suicide often, its been and up and down battle between several medications and a hospitalization. Groups and therapy, it all just feels pointless and I don't get anything from them anymore. I assume it's just my lack of care or hope, therefore I have the mindset to just accept misery and remain there. At least nothing changes there. I've had manic bouts of trying to go out and socialize or meet somebody new and it either just falls apart or I fall apart. I either am judged for who and what I am, or it falls apart because my heart cannot let go. I haven't moved on and I don't want too.
I've had a lot of realizations and a healthy taste of my own medicine in more ways than I could go into here. It's given me a perspective that is much different and less self centered. It's also left me completely at odds with myself and wanting anything for myself. I don't deserve anything, and I believe myself incapable of being happy.
I am alone and isolated, I don't talk to anyone anymore. I haven't seen or talked to my friends in months and I honestly don't care. I've accepted I am forgotten and that's fine. Perhaps they just don't know what to do. It's been rough in general talking to or associating with people who care about me. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious. I don't feel I belong, and I don't want to be noticed. I rather be forgotten. Perhaps it makes it easier for me to remain miserable, and maybe I figure pushing people away and being forgotten will allow me to let go, to finally put an end to my story.
I sleep next to my end, perhaps it gives me comfort knowing it is so close.. to help me forget my worries and sorrows, the knowledge I can be over if I choose.
My time alone is spent staring at a computer screen, and not in the typical sense. Literally staring at a screen with nothing on it, just sitting there quietly.
Why am I writing this? Perhaps to just vent some of my feelings.. To have something to do. To process. Perhaps, maybe, somebody may actually see this however, I realize that is unlikely. It's more for my personal record.
I'm lost and hopeless. Empty...
Already dead...
Already gone...
Ready to be forgotten.
