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Total Unhappiness
8 years ago
General
I honestly don’t feel happy right now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt happy in a long time, and I don’t think I’ll ever feel happy again. I know that might shock some of you, but it’s true. I can’t feel happiness anymore, all I can feel is constant pity, sadness, pessimism, and total disillusionment.
I’ve pretty much said all I could about the current state of my country in my last journal, but as time goes on, I’m getting more and more fed up with my country as it continuously screws up in so many unimaginable ways. It’s really depressing to have to live in a country where my healthcare and internet service could be hampered or even removed in a matter of days, where our infrastructure is an absolute joke, where every year there’s another mass shooting and no progress is made on how to stop it, where both political parties are just as bad as the others— one is a party full of racist, homophobic bigots who push for war, deprive people of healthcare, cut taxes for the rich, decrease the minimum wage, deprive abortions for women, nominated the fucking Cheeto, etc. etc., and the other who is the lesser of two evils but are filled to the brim with so many establishment sellouts who aren’t even for single-payer healthcare.
This is the country I live in, and I want to leave this place as soon as fucking possible. I hate it here. I want to live somewhere else, but I can’t do that. Not without a job at least, and I probably won’t even know how to speak the language. And what if they don’t even want me there? What if they associate me with the Trump supporters? What they say I’m not even welcome in their country and tell me to go back to where I came from? These are real possibilities, people. And even if none of that were true, my parents would never even let me leave. They would just call me a traitor for even considering leaving America, and if my mother wouldn’t do it, my father certainly would, cause he’s a total conservative. Both my parents are conservative, which they are unwilling to change their opinion no matter how wrong they are. But I digress.
My personal life isn’t any better either. Even though I have a decent job, I don’t feel like I make a decent living. Not without a college degree. Although I have taken a couple of college classes, I don’t feel like I’m learning anything important, and I don’t even know what profession I want to go for. Most people my age have an idea on what they want to be when they enter college, I don’t. I have no idea what I want to be. I still live with my parents, and I want to move out, but I can’t earn enough to do that. I haven’t even purchased most of the stuff I own, my parents have done that. I’m so financially dependent on my parents that I can’t even make big purchases without them giving me a hand. I have zero real life friends since I’m so socially awkward that it’s fucking difficult for me to even talk to anyone. I don’t even have a girlfriend, that’s how socially challenged I am. It’s so hard for me to find a girl who interested in the same things I am, and I can’t even imagine holding a relationship down once I do actually find someone. But that’ll probably never even happen since I’m such a fucking loser. Did I mention I’m still a virgin? Yes, I’m 21 years old and I haven’t even lost my virginity. I know almost everything I need to know about sex, and I’m completely sexless. There’s a real possibility that I might die a virgin. I mean think about it, a guy who looks at porn all the time isn’t likely to get laid anytime soon.
People are going to tell me that losing my virginity is overrated and that I should just focus on romance, but it isn’t exactly easy to focus on romance when you live in a society that practically glorifies the fuck out of sex. Honestly, the chances of me getting laid are as good as America adapting to the metric system. No girl is ever going to want to have sex with some loser who listens to metal, lives with his parents and has a three-and-a-half inch cock.
That’s pretty much all I have to say about my current situation. I don’t feel happy with my life right now, because this life is horrible. I wish I had different life where things were actually good, but that’s not going to happen. I don’t want to go to my parents for help because they’ll just say that I should think about all the good things in my life and the things I love to do. Never mind the fact that the only reason I do things I love to do is to keep my mind of the problems of the world and my own sadness. I don’t even want to turn to my parents for help, so I just tell them that I’m happy to keep them from interfering. Professional help won’t work either since they’ll just tell me the exact same thing. I can’t kill myself because suicide won’t solve anything, so I’m pretty forced to live in this fucked up reality wondering if it will get any better…
…or perhaps it won’t.
I’ve pretty much said all I could about the current state of my country in my last journal, but as time goes on, I’m getting more and more fed up with my country as it continuously screws up in so many unimaginable ways. It’s really depressing to have to live in a country where my healthcare and internet service could be hampered or even removed in a matter of days, where our infrastructure is an absolute joke, where every year there’s another mass shooting and no progress is made on how to stop it, where both political parties are just as bad as the others— one is a party full of racist, homophobic bigots who push for war, deprive people of healthcare, cut taxes for the rich, decrease the minimum wage, deprive abortions for women, nominated the fucking Cheeto, etc. etc., and the other who is the lesser of two evils but are filled to the brim with so many establishment sellouts who aren’t even for single-payer healthcare.
This is the country I live in, and I want to leave this place as soon as fucking possible. I hate it here. I want to live somewhere else, but I can’t do that. Not without a job at least, and I probably won’t even know how to speak the language. And what if they don’t even want me there? What if they associate me with the Trump supporters? What they say I’m not even welcome in their country and tell me to go back to where I came from? These are real possibilities, people. And even if none of that were true, my parents would never even let me leave. They would just call me a traitor for even considering leaving America, and if my mother wouldn’t do it, my father certainly would, cause he’s a total conservative. Both my parents are conservative, which they are unwilling to change their opinion no matter how wrong they are. But I digress.
My personal life isn’t any better either. Even though I have a decent job, I don’t feel like I make a decent living. Not without a college degree. Although I have taken a couple of college classes, I don’t feel like I’m learning anything important, and I don’t even know what profession I want to go for. Most people my age have an idea on what they want to be when they enter college, I don’t. I have no idea what I want to be. I still live with my parents, and I want to move out, but I can’t earn enough to do that. I haven’t even purchased most of the stuff I own, my parents have done that. I’m so financially dependent on my parents that I can’t even make big purchases without them giving me a hand. I have zero real life friends since I’m so socially awkward that it’s fucking difficult for me to even talk to anyone. I don’t even have a girlfriend, that’s how socially challenged I am. It’s so hard for me to find a girl who interested in the same things I am, and I can’t even imagine holding a relationship down once I do actually find someone. But that’ll probably never even happen since I’m such a fucking loser. Did I mention I’m still a virgin? Yes, I’m 21 years old and I haven’t even lost my virginity. I know almost everything I need to know about sex, and I’m completely sexless. There’s a real possibility that I might die a virgin. I mean think about it, a guy who looks at porn all the time isn’t likely to get laid anytime soon.
People are going to tell me that losing my virginity is overrated and that I should just focus on romance, but it isn’t exactly easy to focus on romance when you live in a society that practically glorifies the fuck out of sex. Honestly, the chances of me getting laid are as good as America adapting to the metric system. No girl is ever going to want to have sex with some loser who listens to metal, lives with his parents and has a three-and-a-half inch cock.
That’s pretty much all I have to say about my current situation. I don’t feel happy with my life right now, because this life is horrible. I wish I had different life where things were actually good, but that’s not going to happen. I don’t want to go to my parents for help because they’ll just say that I should think about all the good things in my life and the things I love to do. Never mind the fact that the only reason I do things I love to do is to keep my mind of the problems of the world and my own sadness. I don’t even want to turn to my parents for help, so I just tell them that I’m happy to keep them from interfering. Professional help won’t work either since they’ll just tell me the exact same thing. I can’t kill myself because suicide won’t solve anything, so I’m pretty forced to live in this fucked up reality wondering if it will get any better…
…or perhaps it won’t.
OliverRed
~oliverred
I prayed for you, my friend. Stay strong and keep moving forward. You have me as a friend, a real friend.
Thank you.
