So, I've been distant (as per usual)...and I'm starting to figure some things out finally. I haven't said much on here because I've been trying to take time to figure myself out, and I'm starting to get to that point. In fact, I've been very silent from a lot of places (except Twitter, honestly, though that's more passing thoughts). I've finally found the reasons for a lot of my issues, and I didn't think it was that bad until I had someone point these things out to me.

I get restless. I get very anxious, to the point I start thinking of things in my head that are issues, when they aren't issues at all (like with friends and the way they word things). I can't concentrate or focus on some tasks unless it's something I take a genuine interest in. I forget things as soon as I think about them sometimes (for example, going to grab things to stock and I forget what I'm grabbing as soon as I'm in the storage room).

The most extreme of these issues I have are that I get caught up in a constant cycle of thought. I try to express whatever this thought is, but I can't word it right, and I can't find a way to express it, so it stays in my mind...or worse, I do find a way to express it, but I'm still caught in the emotions of that thought, and then I can't get over it unless either something equally emotional cancels it out, or I pass out from exhaustion. Even at work, at home, around others...I get caught in a cycle of thought. "How can I help X friend?" "Am I too frustrating to be around?" "Why can't I get this jumbled mess of thought out of my head coherently?" My personal, infamous 'favorite:' "Why did I do X stupid thing to lose Y friend?"

These thoughts and actions are very real. These are also symptoms of ADHD, which, luckily for me, someone has helped me see and understand. I knew I had some form of ADHD, but I had no idea exactly what it was, or how extreme these issues had persisted within me. It explains a lot of things, actually, including why I'm not always in one place online. I tend to be very aloof and distant, but can also feel very close to others. I had no clue that this could be so extreme as to make it hard to focus on a lot of projects and whatnot.

This person pointed out quite a few of my flaws...one major one I noticed was how I tend to bring up things about myself a lot. I believe this is caused by the cycling of thoughts; Because I wasn't able to express what I was thinking and feeling in a coherent manner initially, I'd keep bringing those things up, not just to the same person, but also to multiple people. I have been consciously and subconsciously doing that less, though I think it's more out of a fear of dominating a conversation about myself and not wanting to do that at all. I'm basically trying to be self-conscious, without dragging everyone into myself, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I've talked to my doctor, and he actually was able to make a diagnosis without sending me to anyone else (the genetic predisposition was probably what did it on that, not to mention I scored pretty high on the questionnaire I was given). So, I'm now starting with 10 mg of Adderall, to take every morning, and to see him in a month to see if anything needs changed. While I do see some significant improvements, I also feel like I do need a higher dosage, though that could change between now and then. I've only been on it for three days, which isn't long enough to fully tell how well it's working. I'm getting better at remembering things, and I've even started making lists! I never really made lists before, at least not very often, and even when i did, they weren't very complete.

I'm not catching as many details on things as I'd like to, however. I am not using the medication as this "cure-all" like I know some would. I do know it can help me very greatly, and I admit that I may have taken some at one point before getting a prescription to see if it would help (it definitely did, that's why I know this). I'm definitely much better than I have been, and while I don't have everything sorted out just yet, I am getting there. It just takes time, and I hope you all can bear with me.

Thanks for being there for me! I know I don't talk much, but I still appreciate you guys...thanks for reading ^.=.^


(Also, not going to MFF, since I don't have the money to even make an attempt on that. I really wish I could, I'd love to, it's just not something I can do with so many things changing around in my life.)