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Long read, Life Update
9 years ago
General
Hi, it’s me.
I’m not entirely sure why I am typing this out, it’s not something I normally do, if at all, but this is something I’ve wanted to try and do for a while now, just to get ideas and thoughts out. I have much to say….at least I think so. However I don’t know if I can even get it all out, or work out what it even is I want to say.
Pretty much the TL;DR of this can be summed up with: My life is shit, a lot of my problems are cus of how my job has killed me inside and I’m trying to get out.
Friends
I have friends, and I am incredibly grateful for who I know, at times I don’t know what I’d do without them, even if I don’t see them, or talk to them very often, the times I do are always nice, and help me in ways I can’t’ even really describe…for the most part at least.
I don’t know if they do or not, but it seems like it at times that some of them will go out of there way for me, or change plans to fit my incredibly shit schedules.
When this happens, I am filled with so much love and gratitude for them and what they are doing, but I struggle to really say how much this means to me. I don’t know how to say thanks for it, for keeping me going, stopping me from falling into some dark depths of depression.
Saying “thank you” would never be enough, so I don’t. I can’t. It doesn’t seem enough or even like it would come close to how much it helps.
I feel bad at this, that I can’t show how much I appreciate them.
I don’t know how to get across some of the things I feel, I suppose this is a cause for a lot of my problems, and why I’m probably going thru what I am right now.
But all of this is for the most part. Other times, when the world can’t revolve around me. I get lost in dark thoughts, and start to hate everyone around me, such as my friends, because they are free to go out and do as they like, go on adventures, go out and do things I can hardly do because my free time doesn’t line up with there’s.
I don’t like being angry at them over this, I shouldn’t’ be getting upset at my friends for doing their own thing.
I try not to talk to anyone when that happens, because I don’t want to become hostile towards the people I care about.
Family
Slowly running out of them, people are dying.
I don’t deal well with this, so I try not to think much about it, or mention it, or even grieve in ways that people notice.
Money
It’s not good, but it’s never been good, I’ve always managed, never truly comfortable, but never in a bad state. Until recent. Changes at work are going to cause a big drop in my income for the most part now. So…that’s shit for me for the time being.
Love
Still with Sayre, things are ok I guess. I’m not very good at showing him a lot of the love he needs. Specially in the last few years. Just been getting harder to really do much. I don’t have time, motivation, money or even…anything to show or give him. Just to worn out from my issues to do much at all.
When no one’s about, there is very little between us, I just sit at my computer, trying to get things done. But in public, or when being noticed, there is certainly more happening. It’s not for show, it’s just. It’s something different, my mood lifts, I can do things I want to do. On our own, I’m back to my ways of doing nothing and just existing. If I can improve my life, this will certainly improve again. It needs to, it’s not really fair on him at this point.
Health
I think its…ok, not much to really say, I’ve not really changed weight which is better than just getting fat I guess.
I do try and work out, at least make myself feel more fit. It works, until I get to demotivated to continue, and then just stop for a while until my mood improves and I can pick it back up again.
Home
Home is home, it could be better, nothing has changed, maybe I should move out. Cant’ really do that right now though, money won’t allow it. Need a better job. Trying….trying….trying…
Work
This is pretty much the entire problem, and it wasn’t’ until recently that I finally worked this out.
I have wasted so many years of my life at my current place. Wasting my life, wasting my time, missing opportunities, becoming increasingly more and more depressed, despondent, angry, bitter at everyone and everything around me who seems to have everything much better sorted in their lives (even if they don’t think it).
It is like that frog slowly being boiled in water and not noticing the change as it’s so slow.
Everything which I thought was a good counter to having a crap work rotor was slowly getting ripped from me without me noticing, and every time I said “well I have all this free time to do this stuff” was just me lying to myself to ignore the fact of how shit it was, how much it was destroying everything about me.
I know longer have the ability compassion or time to do anything with all my free time, expect sit at home and become dark and sully about my friends and people I know, jealous about everything they have, wishing I could have something like that, angry that I can’t seem to get out and find something that would improve my life no end.
It took me 2 years of trying before I was able to get a CV, the first big step in trying to improve my life.
Just before Christmas, I broke down, I’d had enough, I finally snapped, everything went to shit, and I asked for help, something I struggle with constantly.
And….finally after a while, had my own CV, the first time I’ve ever had one. My ticket out into a better life…at least I thought. I hoped.
I started to apply for things. I had no idea what I was doing, what I am aiming for, what I can do, anything helpful.
So tried going after things that my friends have, which they talk about, which they moan about being a bit shit. But that didn’t’ matter to me, all I saw was “wow, that’s a mon-fri job, they get the weekends free, I could have a normal social life. I could do that stuff, that’s the kind of job that people on Job Seekers get forced into doing, if people that don’t want to work can get that line of work, surely I can get that too”
Time went on, applications went out…and nothing ever came back, so I started to feel worse than before, why is it that I can’t get a job that people that don’t want to work are forced into?
I started to feel like why should I bother, this pain from getting nothing back was worse than what I was feeling being stuck in my work with no social life. I wanted to give up and just accept that this is my life, and I’ll always be like it.
Then, I noticed something different, so I applied for it, a job that maybe I could do, it’s something I have a bit of experience in, something I do in my free time for fun, something which I would probably enjoy doing as work. AV Tech.
I got a reply
I got an interview
….but then spent two weeks chasing up the guy as he kept missing deadlines for when he’d tell me if I had the job or not.
I got a no
That hurt
This is all new to me, I have no idea what to do, or how to act, or what to expect, this is something that I’ve never come across before.
I was a bit upset.
But kept on trying, until I reached a point where I’d exhausted all of the jobs like that.
So new thoughts crept into my head, maybe I’m being lazy now, maybe I’m being picky, should I be applying for everything? Should I just apply for all the other shit jobs too?
I don’t know, but I’ve decided that. I currently have work. I don’t have to apply for everything. What is the point of moving from one crap job I hate into another crap job I will probably dislike too?
Am I wrong in thinking this?
So…just keep looking, it’s not bad that I’m not throwing myself at everything, I have a goal I want to reach…but…none of these thoughts are sticking, I just feel like I’m wasting time, being too picky, should just give up here too and get my head into endless crap nowhere jobs.
Another email, no interview date yet, but short listed for one.
This was a good moment.
Now it’s bitter, it’s been almost 2 weeks with no update. I’m going to call this a flop and get back to searching.
I need to mess with my CV a bit first I think before I try. I need to do that soon.
Me
Overall not good. I have so many plans, ideas, wants, needs. But just can’t do them. I keep saying “I’d love to do that” Or “Oh, I’ll add that to my idea list” but cus of how I currently am, nothing gets done, or it goes so slowly.
When’s the last time I did any DJing?
When’s the last time I made a video?
When is the last time I did something I enjoyed?
What do I even enjoy?
I’ve lost my sense of self, I don’t know what I like any more, cus my thoughts are dirtied with the thought of “oh so and so likes that, I think I like that too” but I’m unsure if it’s actually something I do like, or if I’m just coping everyone else because I feel so empty and it’s something to fill a gap.
I don’t know the purpose of this, other than I just wanted to do something.
I’m not entirely sure why I am typing this out, it’s not something I normally do, if at all, but this is something I’ve wanted to try and do for a while now, just to get ideas and thoughts out. I have much to say….at least I think so. However I don’t know if I can even get it all out, or work out what it even is I want to say.
Pretty much the TL;DR of this can be summed up with: My life is shit, a lot of my problems are cus of how my job has killed me inside and I’m trying to get out.
Friends
I have friends, and I am incredibly grateful for who I know, at times I don’t know what I’d do without them, even if I don’t see them, or talk to them very often, the times I do are always nice, and help me in ways I can’t’ even really describe…for the most part at least.
I don’t know if they do or not, but it seems like it at times that some of them will go out of there way for me, or change plans to fit my incredibly shit schedules.
When this happens, I am filled with so much love and gratitude for them and what they are doing, but I struggle to really say how much this means to me. I don’t know how to say thanks for it, for keeping me going, stopping me from falling into some dark depths of depression.
Saying “thank you” would never be enough, so I don’t. I can’t. It doesn’t seem enough or even like it would come close to how much it helps.
I feel bad at this, that I can’t show how much I appreciate them.
I don’t know how to get across some of the things I feel, I suppose this is a cause for a lot of my problems, and why I’m probably going thru what I am right now.
But all of this is for the most part. Other times, when the world can’t revolve around me. I get lost in dark thoughts, and start to hate everyone around me, such as my friends, because they are free to go out and do as they like, go on adventures, go out and do things I can hardly do because my free time doesn’t line up with there’s.
I don’t like being angry at them over this, I shouldn’t’ be getting upset at my friends for doing their own thing.
I try not to talk to anyone when that happens, because I don’t want to become hostile towards the people I care about.
Family
Slowly running out of them, people are dying.
I don’t deal well with this, so I try not to think much about it, or mention it, or even grieve in ways that people notice.
Money
It’s not good, but it’s never been good, I’ve always managed, never truly comfortable, but never in a bad state. Until recent. Changes at work are going to cause a big drop in my income for the most part now. So…that’s shit for me for the time being.
Love
Still with Sayre, things are ok I guess. I’m not very good at showing him a lot of the love he needs. Specially in the last few years. Just been getting harder to really do much. I don’t have time, motivation, money or even…anything to show or give him. Just to worn out from my issues to do much at all.
When no one’s about, there is very little between us, I just sit at my computer, trying to get things done. But in public, or when being noticed, there is certainly more happening. It’s not for show, it’s just. It’s something different, my mood lifts, I can do things I want to do. On our own, I’m back to my ways of doing nothing and just existing. If I can improve my life, this will certainly improve again. It needs to, it’s not really fair on him at this point.
Health
I think its…ok, not much to really say, I’ve not really changed weight which is better than just getting fat I guess.
I do try and work out, at least make myself feel more fit. It works, until I get to demotivated to continue, and then just stop for a while until my mood improves and I can pick it back up again.
Home
Home is home, it could be better, nothing has changed, maybe I should move out. Cant’ really do that right now though, money won’t allow it. Need a better job. Trying….trying….trying…
Work
This is pretty much the entire problem, and it wasn’t’ until recently that I finally worked this out.
I have wasted so many years of my life at my current place. Wasting my life, wasting my time, missing opportunities, becoming increasingly more and more depressed, despondent, angry, bitter at everyone and everything around me who seems to have everything much better sorted in their lives (even if they don’t think it).
It is like that frog slowly being boiled in water and not noticing the change as it’s so slow.
Everything which I thought was a good counter to having a crap work rotor was slowly getting ripped from me without me noticing, and every time I said “well I have all this free time to do this stuff” was just me lying to myself to ignore the fact of how shit it was, how much it was destroying everything about me.
I know longer have the ability compassion or time to do anything with all my free time, expect sit at home and become dark and sully about my friends and people I know, jealous about everything they have, wishing I could have something like that, angry that I can’t seem to get out and find something that would improve my life no end.
It took me 2 years of trying before I was able to get a CV, the first big step in trying to improve my life.
Just before Christmas, I broke down, I’d had enough, I finally snapped, everything went to shit, and I asked for help, something I struggle with constantly.
And….finally after a while, had my own CV, the first time I’ve ever had one. My ticket out into a better life…at least I thought. I hoped.
I started to apply for things. I had no idea what I was doing, what I am aiming for, what I can do, anything helpful.
So tried going after things that my friends have, which they talk about, which they moan about being a bit shit. But that didn’t’ matter to me, all I saw was “wow, that’s a mon-fri job, they get the weekends free, I could have a normal social life. I could do that stuff, that’s the kind of job that people on Job Seekers get forced into doing, if people that don’t want to work can get that line of work, surely I can get that too”
Time went on, applications went out…and nothing ever came back, so I started to feel worse than before, why is it that I can’t get a job that people that don’t want to work are forced into?
I started to feel like why should I bother, this pain from getting nothing back was worse than what I was feeling being stuck in my work with no social life. I wanted to give up and just accept that this is my life, and I’ll always be like it.
Then, I noticed something different, so I applied for it, a job that maybe I could do, it’s something I have a bit of experience in, something I do in my free time for fun, something which I would probably enjoy doing as work. AV Tech.
I got a reply
I got an interview
….but then spent two weeks chasing up the guy as he kept missing deadlines for when he’d tell me if I had the job or not.
I got a no
That hurt
This is all new to me, I have no idea what to do, or how to act, or what to expect, this is something that I’ve never come across before.
I was a bit upset.
But kept on trying, until I reached a point where I’d exhausted all of the jobs like that.
So new thoughts crept into my head, maybe I’m being lazy now, maybe I’m being picky, should I be applying for everything? Should I just apply for all the other shit jobs too?
I don’t know, but I’ve decided that. I currently have work. I don’t have to apply for everything. What is the point of moving from one crap job I hate into another crap job I will probably dislike too?
Am I wrong in thinking this?
So…just keep looking, it’s not bad that I’m not throwing myself at everything, I have a goal I want to reach…but…none of these thoughts are sticking, I just feel like I’m wasting time, being too picky, should just give up here too and get my head into endless crap nowhere jobs.
Another email, no interview date yet, but short listed for one.
This was a good moment.
Now it’s bitter, it’s been almost 2 weeks with no update. I’m going to call this a flop and get back to searching.
I need to mess with my CV a bit first I think before I try. I need to do that soon.
Me
Overall not good. I have so many plans, ideas, wants, needs. But just can’t do them. I keep saying “I’d love to do that” Or “Oh, I’ll add that to my idea list” but cus of how I currently am, nothing gets done, or it goes so slowly.
When’s the last time I did any DJing?
When’s the last time I made a video?
When is the last time I did something I enjoyed?
What do I even enjoy?
I’ve lost my sense of self, I don’t know what I like any more, cus my thoughts are dirtied with the thought of “oh so and so likes that, I think I like that too” but I’m unsure if it’s actually something I do like, or if I’m just coping everyone else because I feel so empty and it’s something to fill a gap.
I don’t know the purpose of this, other than I just wanted to do something.
Losing family and dealing with grief is different for everyone. Its ok not to show it or go it alone if tha'ts what you need. The isn't really a wrong way to morn someone so long as you don't hurt yourself or others in the process. The is a charity called Cruise who helped me when my mum died, they give free counselling. Might be worth seeing if they or someone like them can help if you feel you need to talk but don't want to share with close ones.
It does sound like the job is the main issue at the moment. All you can do with that is try to leave. Which your doing. Again its hard because so many people need/want work and its hard to get your foot in a door. You can and will eventually find something though. Its hard so maybe do it in small amounts when you feel able. Maybe get friends or services to look at you CV and see if it can be improved.
If your really struggling with your sense of self it is worth seeing you GP/wellbeing centre. Having some talking therapy or CBT may help give you support and guidance. I know that would be hard for you though. its just an idea that might help.
I honestly hope you feel better soon.
You'll get there, probably quicker than me. And once one thing changes, everything else will become easier too.
Wish there was something I could do to help, job searching is hell and even worse when suffering from depression.
I recommend seeing the Doc if you already haven't an ask for CBT as that has helped me out. The darkest of times you do loose yourself, I'v stood in a party surrounded by friends and yet felt so unhinged, body was just on Auto-pilot whilst you're a ghost questioning everything. It means its a time for change.
The Job is the cause of frustration, leading to depression. Sadly its a spiral if you allow yourself to go into this Auto-pilot state to get through a gruelling task like Work.
With CBT it helps teach you to take control again rather then letting your mind control you, you can find who you are again and make changes by problem solving.
I'm sure there will be a job out there for you, its hard times atm as even being at the job center its a choice of "dead end Retail" or "Dead end food" with little pay (to me both of them are nightmare work, spesh for a creative mind that needs to be kept busy)
As hard as it is Hearing a job say 'No' it might be worth asking them for any suggestions or feedback that will help you.
On the more positive side! We got Confuzzled to look forward too at least! That will be fun!
There's still plenty to look forward too over the horizon, the dark moments and emotions are only tempory, there's a reason for everything in this puzzle of a world just takes a while to work things out.
(Has to be bad times to appreciate the good.)
Hang in there buddy *Bear Hugs*
doing artwork on here and just chanting to you guys is really my only good spot at the moment.
with going to college and trying to find a job that pays well it can be difficult to enjoy anything.
just hang in there things will turn around for the better. *gives you a pat on the back*
It's a lot to open up about but thank you for sharing; I know it's not comprehensive but it at least gives a bit of insight into how you're struggling. *hugs*
I wouldn't hesitate to try for something new too if I had such strong negative feelings about how work is affecting my life.... Try not to get disheartened with the job search. It's soul destroying stuff but your search sounds far from hopeless - you've had an interview and been short listed which kinda' means that folk are interested in you. Sooner or later it'll pay off and, whether or not the new job is better, it'll be a change. :3
Thinking about you anyway sweetheart, please take care of yourself.