I decided to stick around instead of lifting. Might do that later, so I'll set the time for around noon

not sure what to do today. Im def going to have to trim at some point to make that additional thirty. Besides that Im probably going to just hang out here and try to get motivated to work out. I already had tea and chased it with a bunch of water, so hopefully that will wake me up some

Im amazed there are still people here who couldnt get over that incident that caused the initial "exodus" from here (everything is so dramatized anymore). I thought FA was supposed to be a place where people had a shot at redemption considering how no one is any better than anyone else

I began to think back to my original set of beliefs and values and noticed Ive strayed from that mindset alot. ive become a little, idk, self-centered?

never used to be that way either. Sometimes I wonder if it was due to knowing finally what was going on, or if maybe it was the attention itself, but Id sort of like to make the place like it was before, not so much in it being focused on me, but just idk, kinder, more welcoming and supportive environment for artists and site members

the problem is id changed i think. Id stopped thinking of other people like I used to or working with new talent, become lazier, spent all my time in a stream or two but never really tried to bond or chat in such a way to where people had my full attention, which could be very insulting Im sure. The place became divided and that was my fault for not permitting a union to take place or accept people's help in running things

I used to help people too with the content and subject matter for providing them with new ideas, but things have become redundant and stagnant and idk, like it falls back on me to decide what to do so I have to make a decision somehow as to what my next approach is going to be to realizing things and curing that stagnation
Im glad other people offer their input too, because it helps make up for that and diversifies things more

Im going to abide by what my mentor was into, meaning her beliefs and focuses in terms of art and method. She's so much wiser than myself, and really is more functional and is better for morale than I am. I got sort of rendered as a hypocrite and a fool and it's hard to take direction from someone like that even if theyre well meaning just due to pervading ineptitude, though I still try to help out and fulfill my role here as best I can

Until I start offering ideas and work again it's sort of hard to hang out, and since I cant really offer anything but the work of other people I just sort of became a supporter rather than an active contributor

what Im going to do then, and I know there's a lot of danger in doing this due to what might happen in my absence, is I want to get away from the net for a while and just focus on a daily routine first. I never get things done for being here managing this all day. Dishes get neglected, the house needs mopping and sweeping, laundry needs to be done, all sorts of things, and Im always putting them off because Im here doing this. Im not getting out enough, Im not working out at all, and idk. It's like if I leave Im leaving ppl hanging or arguing theyre secondary

it's sort of hard to know whether it would get me further to put the rest on hold and focus on people or not

I was looking over all the page views people had gotten that I used to watch and you know, at some point alot of them say "Im set. I have my base, and dont need FA anymore" but they never fully leave. they loiter here and eavesdrop, kind of like I do, and really just dont post anything other than links to their other sites theyre on

but amazingly they still come back here

i think my problem was I was rejecting my role, or insisting that it remain focused on me despite lack of input or interaction

the truth is she has always been my superior, even before she knew herself she had a intelligence and sensible nature ive never had myself. She's been nothing but good to me and Ive rewarded that and people with this sort of snotty childish act and it's just made a mess

But in being aware of this, Im confident I can change, especially now. I just need to not worry about waiting and try to spend the time productively by talking and supporting other people despite not being in any sort of official role or part of administration

so beginning december 1st I need to break my net addiction and try to be more active and productive, get out more. I'll set a time I'll be here each day and try to keep things in balance

I'll be around until ten AM my time, then I need to go get a breath of fresh air, walk around the beach or the park some, maybe find more kindling while I can see outside

Im not a perfect man, but Im certainly not a bad one either. it's just hard sometimes to live up to everyone's expectations, and even harder to put things out there for them being assimilated and used without my permission, just because someone can get around copyrights

I let them have these things because either way, ive outgrown those ideas and want to make new things that are mutually inspired by other people. Those characters of mine and stories and concepts? all things I made being alone, and that's something I need to leave behind for not being alone any longer

I have to finally accept that Im one of many people here, and in an important position and have responsibilities to address, for her sake and yours and also my standing in the community itself

also on a side note, Im sorry to anyone Ive caused problems with, and especially China, who I hear has recently been speaking out against the US recently

I feel as though i dont represent an esteemed American as much as what the country is capable of in terms of supporting its inferiors, and that it's time I return that gesture and offer my efforts also, not to mention so as to avoid bringing shame on my support or anyone I give attention towards

so Im going to save this journal also, so I can recall this when I need to

having said that, Im here if you need me until Dec 1st, then I need to devote time to finding work, doing my side job trimming, and exercising/drawing/educating myself on current events so I can be more engaging like I used to be

if I didnt care I would have gone somewhere else, changed my manner of speaking, and tried to be someone popular again. That didnt matter to me because Im just happy to be here ad know so many talented and nice people, and just need to become more like them in habit and mindset

Id like this to be a place where there's so much rare art and work, and in such a way that you cant find it elsewhere, that it develops a sort of gravity of its own in terms of attracting more of the same, and also a place where people have the freedom to express themselves constructively, which is precisely what I should have been doing.

if you need me, like I said Im here, and willing to chat and visit streams

Im not trying to be a middle man or cull attention or anything either. it's just people have different schedule and Im on here all day anyway and like that if someone leaves or is busy that I have other people to talk to, plus it's easier here to talk to people than when i was on DA or another site, which were sort of intimidating for both the big name talent and the lack of regular direct interaction. My mentor kept insisting I go there but without art there isnt a point, so Im waiting until I have things to upload, which I should have throughout the month of december, especially if I get back into glass making

since I cant stick to a routine im also tempted to sign up for a fitness class, like aerobics or something, which I see posted up everywhere. My mother offered to pay for something like that if I was able to commit to it, but I need to check around first and also review their location and cost so I can afford to be on time and pay for it long term

Despite how I would try to rationalize it, I cant manage to ignore what people are doing for me here. I owe the fact that ive recovered more and am alive and well to all of you, and was just upset for my inability to repay it suitably

so I'll do what I can, and hopefully that will say something

my legs are such a mess from disuse though X'D really wish i hadnt burned my cane now

to get around this and strengthen them again I need to walk and jog in the evening or early AM, so there will be times when I have to be away and I hope you dont hold that against me. id think because of how annoying I can be at times you would welcome that absence

I now have a twitch account btw. I find anymore Im having to open accounts with other services just to watch people stream

brb. Need to take a pic of a fruit tree I cant identify