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War Without End
17 years ago
General
The title reflects both a very good Babylon 5 episode, and the state of my personal life.
Today, for the first time in ten months, I had a lapse in judgment where "naughty" stuff is concerned. It's made me realize some unpleasant truths about myself. The first of these is something I will admit straight up, even though I really don't like it: I like art and writing of a sexual nature. I would have a hard time believing someone if they told me that at least 70% of the male population between 18 and 30 didn't. But to me, it doesn't matter whether or not I like it or not, what matters is that I believe that to be a morally upright person, I am expected to avoid this kind of material. So, for the past year, maybe more, whenever something came up on this site or another that was even the slightest bit arousing to me, fetish related or no, I would get away as fast as I could. Usually, I also add the item in question to my personal "ban list". It's grown quite large in the past years, and a great deal of it has actually kept me straight. But now, this has made me face the second unfortunate truth about myself.
I'm a prude. There's really no kind word for it. That's the term for people who avoid most everything of a sexual nature. Anything I would even consider has to meet a very narrow set of criteria. And being a prude has made me both a hypocrite and an intolerant man. Yes, I have become intolerant of certain societal taboos. What they are, I won't say. But damn it, look at where I am (FA)! This place is built on every sort of tolerance one can think of, even if it isn't always practiced. That's what makes me a hypocrite, and I hate being one.
This is the price I pay for being so literal. I have to shape myself to be everything that expected of me by God, society, the status quo, copyright laws, everything. I might be able to do a good deal of it for a time, but ultimately, everything that I try and avoid is never truly gone. It's always there, hunting me through the darkest corners of my mind, either calling me back or leaving me unable to live with myself.
Barring something drastic, my life will continue to be a "war without end". I either have to practically be a prude, or lapse into an uncontrollable maniac. I still don't know whether it's better to be prudish and stringent than relaxed and possibly fearful. I might find long periods of stability out of it, but I have yet to find a middle ground. I don't even think the term "middle ground" is in the Aspergian vocabulary. There's got to be some way out of this cycle of fear and guilt, and I've got to find it. I'm getting tired of dealing with it. I can only hope it happens someday soon.
Today, for the first time in ten months, I had a lapse in judgment where "naughty" stuff is concerned. It's made me realize some unpleasant truths about myself. The first of these is something I will admit straight up, even though I really don't like it: I like art and writing of a sexual nature. I would have a hard time believing someone if they told me that at least 70% of the male population between 18 and 30 didn't. But to me, it doesn't matter whether or not I like it or not, what matters is that I believe that to be a morally upright person, I am expected to avoid this kind of material. So, for the past year, maybe more, whenever something came up on this site or another that was even the slightest bit arousing to me, fetish related or no, I would get away as fast as I could. Usually, I also add the item in question to my personal "ban list". It's grown quite large in the past years, and a great deal of it has actually kept me straight. But now, this has made me face the second unfortunate truth about myself.
I'm a prude. There's really no kind word for it. That's the term for people who avoid most everything of a sexual nature. Anything I would even consider has to meet a very narrow set of criteria. And being a prude has made me both a hypocrite and an intolerant man. Yes, I have become intolerant of certain societal taboos. What they are, I won't say. But damn it, look at where I am (FA)! This place is built on every sort of tolerance one can think of, even if it isn't always practiced. That's what makes me a hypocrite, and I hate being one.
This is the price I pay for being so literal. I have to shape myself to be everything that expected of me by God, society, the status quo, copyright laws, everything. I might be able to do a good deal of it for a time, but ultimately, everything that I try and avoid is never truly gone. It's always there, hunting me through the darkest corners of my mind, either calling me back or leaving me unable to live with myself.
Barring something drastic, my life will continue to be a "war without end". I either have to practically be a prude, or lapse into an uncontrollable maniac. I still don't know whether it's better to be prudish and stringent than relaxed and possibly fearful. I might find long periods of stability out of it, but I have yet to find a middle ground. I don't even think the term "middle ground" is in the Aspergian vocabulary. There's got to be some way out of this cycle of fear and guilt, and I've got to find it. I'm getting tired of dealing with it. I can only hope it happens someday soon.
The Wicca have a philosophy "And it harm none, do as thou will." I won't go as far as to say that, but if you are struggling about a purely moral issue (which let's face it, erotic art is one) don't let expectations placed on you by your church or by society tell you what is right or wrong. If what you are doing is legal and harmless to others, then that is between you and God, and is no one else's business. Believe me when I say that if you are true to your inner feelings, and let go of the fear and guilt placed on you by societal expectations, your heart will know what is right for you. It will take time, and you may make a few mistakes, but you will find a place where you can accept yourself, be happy, and still feel that you are a good person.
I actually don't like the episode "Infection" much because it reminded me too much of myself when I was younger. I had lived by a moral code that was programmed into me by the church and society. I tried to be perfectly pure, and it very nearly turned me into a monster, who looked upon the impure as vermin to be converted to my way of thinking or be eradicated. It had gotten so bad that when I saw naked people, I did not feel arousal at all, but disgust. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was very, very close to becoming a sociopath. What saved me wasn't council from a priest or wise words from a politician. What saved me from becoming that monster was following the feelings in my heart and saying to hell with societal expectations. When I followed my feelings, I started questioning societal and religious expectations that I was told not to question. I quickly realized that many societal expectations are completely arbitrary, as are many of the rules of the Catholic faith in which I was raised. I eventually found my middle ground where I feel happy and avoid things that reason, reflection, and my own feelings tell me are wrong. A good part of the reason that I am so frustrated with my teaching job is that, as a teacher, I am held to a "higher" standard of morality, not just in the class room, but in my private life as well, forcing me to follow the arbitrary societal norms that almost made me a monster and to remain anonymous about the norms that I chose not to follow.
As for you being intolerant, don't judge yourself too harshly. I've learned through interaction and observation here that even the most tolerant of people are intolerant of some things that do not warrant intolerance (for example, many people here are surprisingly intolerant of vegetarians). Also, a surprisingly large number of people with certain viewpoints or fetishes demand tolerance from others, but are very intolerant of people with a fetishes or viewpoints different from their own. Those people are the true hypocrites. Me, I am intolerant of people who will not admit when they are wrong and people who reject scientific data in favor of their gut feelings. I know that sounds strange from a person who says "follow your heart" as much as I do, but I guess for me, following my head is almost a given, whereas following my heart hasn't always been, so I really say "follow your heart" because it is what I had to remind myself to do more than "follow your head". I guess if I am giving advice to someone else, I suppose I should say follow both your heart and your head. Feel and reflect. Use reason to try to understand both expectations and your feelings about the topic and see what really make sense for you. Really, if, through reason and reflection upon your feelings, you can come to terms with a societal expectation, it makes it easier for you to follow it because it isn't just some rule, but is instead a rule that makes sense to you. If reason tells you the societal expectation is arbitrary, then there is no real reason not to follow your feelings (barring legalities of course).
Your third paragraph is jarring, in that there's a chance I might be headed that way. You are right in another thing, though: this is going to take time. And it might be painful, too. I might get to a point of acceptance eventually, but I don't like the idea of years more of this. I guess I'll just see, won't I?
On an off note, this is another example of why I would prefer not to divulge who I really am on the internet: the use of an alias like TheAAA lets me be more open with my feelings.