Something I've learned these last few years was to see what scares me in life, and chase after it.

Lately I've fallen into a rut with my personal growth. I've made huge leaps in my life, but my development has become stagnant. For whatever reason, I couldn't figure out what I was doing (or not doing) wrong. Then, I realized that I was no longer fighting my fears. I was coping, but not adapting. I stopped learning and growing.

While in therapy, one of the lessons I learned was that to heal what's hurt you, you have to reintroduce yourself to your trauma. Similarly, I realized the best way (for me at least) to progress in my life was to address what scared me.

If I felt shy to talk to someone, I forced myself to speak up. When I was't sure if I wanted to brave a new activity, I made myself experience it. Most of my choices these last few years have been ones that I was terrified of. As a result, my life has been so much more rewarding. I've tried new foods, talked with people that I never thought would even see me, and learned a lot about myself.

The biggest fear for me now though, is opening up. Everyone that knows me locally knows me for my laugh, my silliness, and maybe as a fun guy to play games with. Unfortunately, I dont think many people have really gotten to see everything I offer. I've not really presented it.

It's terrifying to me to talk about my stories. Sharing my thoughts on anything makes me worried about scaring people away. But I know I need to start opening up more. I don't want to be a good acquaintance. I want to be a friend people go to for counsel, for comfort. I want them to see me for the perspective I can yield. I want depth and meaning in my friendships. I know so many wonderful people, and it's such a waste to get myself afraid of them.

And part of this is me being a better friend. Too long I've been scared of letting too many people get too close. Hopefully I can keep relationships going strongly, and begin to flourish in others.

So! Really, this was a journal to kind of let friends know that I may seem awkward a bit for a while. It takes me a moment or few to shake my nerves. If I seem unresponsive, I'm probably coaxing out courage.

And, if anyone ever wants to open up to me about anything, I really want to be better at listening and hearing. I used to be great at helping friends. I want to be that, again.