I've been thinking a lot lately about the emergence of sexual habits and what causes the formulation of specific interests in partners on both a sexual and emotional level. I think it's an attempt to understand and become comfortable with my own sexuality, but I'm also afraid it could be a way to rationalize the abuse that I've endured. Sometimes I don't know how to feel - I'm emotionless. In the past I've just laid there, as if dead, I can't speak and I don't know what I want just that it's happening. I feed into things like being dominated, I get drawn into that pale faced and defenseless vision. Maybe I'm screaming for somebody to protect me. I wish I could understand my feelings.