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I'm Tired Boss.
a week ago
General
So this is gonna hopefully be a farewell message, or an explanation.
As many people know, I have always had financial issues. From previous posts, and
commission openings, I've always been a hairs breadth from homelessness. But today,
It becomes real.
I have 200$ in my bank account, I have 900$ in cash due today. I have no lease.
People will always blame me, or anybody else who is poor.
"You should have saved". I've lived the past nine months on 1000$. 800-900$ in rent.
100$ for food soap, phone, etc. And I've lived far harder and for far lower a cost of living.
This was honestly the best I've ever lived in my life.
I'm tired and broken from working years of back breaking labor, terrible people, wage theft, and tedious cook work.
Some of which I have not recovered from. And only realize now. I'm not rejoining the normal
workforce again. And couldn't if I tried. I started doing commission work as an outlet from this.
And it became a lifeline when i was laid off during covid.
Doing this work only became possible after my brother recommended it. And I relearned how to draw,
After years of not doing so, and living a life of working twelve hour shifts at Subway to rent a literal closet.
Coming home only to sleep. It helped improve my life, and supplemented my income.
COVID forced me to move back in with my parents. Something that traumatized me from terrible experiences in my
childhood. And it was a godsend after the few years I was forced to be moved back in with my old family, that I
was able to grow my influence and portfolio through my art, making plenty of new friends.
This allowed me to move out on my own, "I'm frugal, I can make it". Well the way things are, that wasn't really sustainable.
And I'm never moving in with my parents ever again (They don't have room for me anyway). I live in the middle of nowhere,
none of my friends are around me. And to be blunt, I'm not good enough friends with anybody who can take me in.
My plans are very short term. But it'll play out over the next several days. I will be telling my landlord this morning I plan on moving out.
I will pack all of my things, my makeshift office, everything. And my parents may help me move this stuff to their place for storage this weekend.
I don't have much. But that means everything. That includes my computer, my tablet, my sketchbooks.
What this means is that, I will no longer be able to do commission work, or post generally on social media or this website.
I will only have a phone for a short amount of time. Unfortunately, It is sudden, but its sudden for me. And this is a message for anybody still on my queue.
It will make a'lot of people waiting all these months very angry. But take solace in the fact my life is going to be pretty hard and miserable for the foreseeable future.
For years I have tried raising prices, but the reality is nobody wants to pay me a living wage for my work. And that has never changed.
Whether it be working for albertsons, or doing this. I've also tried multiple programs and things like adopts to lessen the load on my queue.
With near zero interest. I can't keep opening my commission queue over and over again. And people rightfully get frustrated.
But at the end of the day. You really thought fighting me over charging you 30$ for a commission was sustainable? Really?
You know it takes me almost five hours to do those right? And to be honest that's why i give up. I would say 85% of people who commission
me don't care what happens to me. Many ask, but its only to get updates on their commission, its so transparent. And out of that group, they
don't even follow my art and my work. My commissions are so damn cheap, they don't care what else i draw.
Its created a situation over the years where I have put all my personal work on the back burner. Because any time I posted it I'd get a snarky email about
an overdue commission, or somebody upset with me drawing their character in my style. Its all demoralizing, and just makes me a bad guy. I will never complete
my projects now, nor anybody else's. I've failed everyone, at everything, and at life itself. I don't deserve anything, I'm tired, and I'm just getting the hell I deserve.
As many people know, I have always had financial issues. From previous posts, and
commission openings, I've always been a hairs breadth from homelessness. But today,
It becomes real.
I have 200$ in my bank account, I have 900$ in cash due today. I have no lease.
People will always blame me, or anybody else who is poor.
"You should have saved". I've lived the past nine months on 1000$. 800-900$ in rent.
100$ for food soap, phone, etc. And I've lived far harder and for far lower a cost of living.
This was honestly the best I've ever lived in my life.
I'm tired and broken from working years of back breaking labor, terrible people, wage theft, and tedious cook work.
Some of which I have not recovered from. And only realize now. I'm not rejoining the normal
workforce again. And couldn't if I tried. I started doing commission work as an outlet from this.
And it became a lifeline when i was laid off during covid.
Doing this work only became possible after my brother recommended it. And I relearned how to draw,
After years of not doing so, and living a life of working twelve hour shifts at Subway to rent a literal closet.
Coming home only to sleep. It helped improve my life, and supplemented my income.
COVID forced me to move back in with my parents. Something that traumatized me from terrible experiences in my
childhood. And it was a godsend after the few years I was forced to be moved back in with my old family, that I
was able to grow my influence and portfolio through my art, making plenty of new friends.
This allowed me to move out on my own, "I'm frugal, I can make it". Well the way things are, that wasn't really sustainable.
And I'm never moving in with my parents ever again (They don't have room for me anyway). I live in the middle of nowhere,
none of my friends are around me. And to be blunt, I'm not good enough friends with anybody who can take me in.
My plans are very short term. But it'll play out over the next several days. I will be telling my landlord this morning I plan on moving out.
I will pack all of my things, my makeshift office, everything. And my parents may help me move this stuff to their place for storage this weekend.
I don't have much. But that means everything. That includes my computer, my tablet, my sketchbooks.
What this means is that, I will no longer be able to do commission work, or post generally on social media or this website.
I will only have a phone for a short amount of time. Unfortunately, It is sudden, but its sudden for me. And this is a message for anybody still on my queue.
It will make a'lot of people waiting all these months very angry. But take solace in the fact my life is going to be pretty hard and miserable for the foreseeable future.
For years I have tried raising prices, but the reality is nobody wants to pay me a living wage for my work. And that has never changed.
Whether it be working for albertsons, or doing this. I've also tried multiple programs and things like adopts to lessen the load on my queue.
With near zero interest. I can't keep opening my commission queue over and over again. And people rightfully get frustrated.
But at the end of the day. You really thought fighting me over charging you 30$ for a commission was sustainable? Really?
You know it takes me almost five hours to do those right? And to be honest that's why i give up. I would say 85% of people who commission
me don't care what happens to me. Many ask, but its only to get updates on their commission, its so transparent. And out of that group, they
don't even follow my art and my work. My commissions are so damn cheap, they don't care what else i draw.
Its created a situation over the years where I have put all my personal work on the back burner. Because any time I posted it I'd get a snarky email about
an overdue commission, or somebody upset with me drawing their character in my style. Its all demoralizing, and just makes me a bad guy. I will never complete
my projects now, nor anybody else's. I've failed everyone, at everything, and at life itself. I don't deserve anything, I'm tired, and I'm just getting the hell I deserve.
That being said?
I have been very patient with you, I have gotten a bunch of comms from you over the years, and I never complained when any of them were late, not once. Any time I wanted an update, I'd wait like 2-3+ months before politely asking if there was progress.
Hell, when you were behind on rent in February, I not only reached out comm'd you again, but asked flat-out how much it'd cost to pay the rent, offered to cover it for you, and shared your work around to try and get you more clients. You just told me to get a couple $30 slots instead- which I did, and now I feel like you're mad at me for taking some more of those $30 comm slots, when that's what you told me to do??
At no point since then have I bothered you about commission updates- because I knew "he's probably going through a lot, I should leave him alone and let him focus on that stuff." Even when you shifted focus from comms to Adoptables, I didn't complain, I just thought "hey, if it pays the bills, let him do his thing."
And now it feels like you're throwing me under the bus too with this whole "my whole audience sucks and takes advantage of me" rant, cause I've been nothing but patient and supportive this whole time and got total silence in response. I never bugged you about anything in the way you're talking about, and I didn't try to get all buddy-buddy with you because most artists I know want to keep things professional and not make friends with clients.
If you're not able to finish the commissions (including that whole comic I paid for in January) fine, I get it. I wish you well and hope you can find a way to bounce back, because this situation sucks and I don't think you deserve it. You're upset and getting mad at people, that's fine too, understandable. I don't know who your other clients are, maybe they really are as bad as you say. But I feel like I'm getting yelled at too just for trying to help you out and being in the general splash zone of all this crap.
Do whatever you gotta do, I hope life turns out better for you because of it.
But realistically on the whole it is not sustainable. Most customers were not you. Most of my customers don't even like my art or style. And realistically its nothing they nor I would want to post. And over the past couple years I've seen a shift in how commissioners view artists, especially after the inflection point of AI, and the current cost of living crisis. There is a false impression we are living outside our means. That we are not frugal or don't know how to run our affairs properly. And the reality is people are just unlucky. I did everything I could to live in my means and make things work. And the kill line was always an inch below me. And its only gotten worse in the past year in a half. I pay five dollars for a bag of rice and a bag of beans, all of which cost two a year and a half ago. My wisdom teeth are killing me, my family is killing themselves and dieing, my tablet and computer are falling apart and aging, and now I will lose everything over the coming weekend. All of this isn't even new. I've rebuilt my life over and over again.
I applaud that you can have the optimism to be able to step up after being thrown of the horse and try again. But I just don't have that in me anymore. And there's just nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of fighting for every little thing I have.
It's also very understandable why it's demoralizing so why keep on doing it when you get not enough to keep yourself afloat. Though, as I said giving up won't make things better.
I have been following since I found you on tumblr before the nsfw purge, and even if there posts that don't fall into my interest I still follow you and enjoy your artwork. Art is a subjective matter after all.
It's easy for me to say "don't give up" but giving up or stopping doing the thing you (probably) enjoy won't help or do you any good. Taking a step back so you don't burn yourself completely out is a good idea.
It might be empty words I written to you or not, but it's very understandable your situation sucks.
I can't offer any money at the moment, as I'm already committed to other projects / need to pay for some IRL stuff, but I'll make a journal and hopefully point some people in your direction.