There's a saying in Russian that formed from law enforcement abuse, an unfortunately common thing across the world. One police officer said "If they kill you, we will come and inspect the body, please don't worry!" in response to pleas for saving from murder and since then the quote had been paraphrased as "Once you're killed, then call/come" (literal translation) and is used to refer to such negligence. I altered the saying for the title of this post, but the meaning remains similar.

Now, imagine you're a trans person from Russia trying to apply for an asylum because you don't have legal gender affirming care, were persecuted, but not yet beaten to death. My liege, you better be strong, the migration services won't like you at all.

First of all, if you only have Russian citizenship, your choices are very limited. Of course, Russian passport is not the worst in the world at all, but it still is a pain in the ass. If you want to get to the Europe, you need to get to the third country like Georgia first and apply there for a visa to even get to your destination country. We did that and, well, it's been almost a year since me and my family waited for a visa and Georgia decided to flip off queer rights, so we couldn't be patient anymore and moved on.

In Moldova during an asylum interview I had actually a pleasant experience. Officer, lawyer, and translator were all understanding and they actually told me I was downplaying some experience at some point. I really have nothing bad to say about them, I didn't feel interrogated at all. I almost felt like at least some of us will instantly get permission to live here as a refugee, a status that grants you at least 3 years of calm life. Until it didn't.

We got denied in an asylum. At the time of writing this post, we're currently trying to sort this with lawyers and they don't guarantee anything. It's getting really tiring to describe the whole process, but there's something interesting about the reason for the denial.

Here is some notable thing:

Migration service at least in Moldova seems to not understand risks specific for trans people. I mentioned that I'm a trans man on HRT who has reasonable safety concerns (what I've seen happening to queer men from my circles, how people treated me, my parents who considered conversion therapy for me, my unpleasant interaction with the police before HRT and unchanged documents). These reasons were fully omitted. They focused only on the fact that I had no physical assault or no arrest for my queer activism.

If I return to Russia, yes, I will not be imprisoned right away, but I will be forced to detransition to have any job or relatively safe life or otherwise some nutjob will beat me for looking too gay and who knows how will this end up. Or Russian government will finally get to us if I don't hang myself before that. Oh and there are no legal means to get testosterone, so I won't be able to DIY it. But even if I was, is this really a life any person deserves to live? I don't think so.

Of course I'd been doomscrolling about queer activists and trans people being denied in an asylum. There were wild statements from migration services like "Putin said that Russia prohibits discrimination, therefore it's true", there are countless transfems denied because being drafted to the army to murder Ukrainians is not enough of a reason. Even fines/arrests for "LGBT propaganda and extremism" can be not enough sometimes. It almost seems like no matter what, you can't be taken seriously, right?

There's a horrendous mix of things people don't take seriously – being trans and being from Eastern Europe and Central Asia (especially applies if you're trying to apply in western countries). The latter one is about people not understanding the nature of post-Soviet countries, believing things that aren't there either due to the ignorance or lack of research. The most extreme example are the tankies and the far right, but that's another thing to discuss. The trans part, in my opinion, is about people thinking that we're actively making a choice to live like this. That if only we didn't "decide" to transition, we could live like normal people. Similar applies to gay relationships, it's just that trans people are the hot topic today. In combination of these you get "Well, you knew that this country is conservative, so why did you end up transitioning in the first place?" question, which is exhausting to answer, I just want to say sorry to anyone hearing that question on constant. Migration services are run by people and people are subject to biases that therefore form a biased system that only sometimes works, I say nothing new here.

We've been outside of Russia for some years already and we still don't have any status besides asylum seekers yet. I remember feeling like I was in some sort of a limbo and I do have an art piece about that feeling. Mentally I got better later on, as I got antidepressants that actually work, but hell, I want to ask something. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Why don't I deserve a stable status and home in a country that respects my rights just because I was born on some shitty large piece of dirt? Is this really how I will live the rest of my life?

And to not get too pessimistic, no. It will not be the rest of my life. People can fight for their right to stay for years, but eventually they win the case. Why I'm public my frustrations is that I hope that it will affect some people, so to anyone in a similar position, remember this: NEVER stay alone, like ever. Never isolate, even if it feels like an only option. Never try to deal with anything without a lawyer or friendly organization. Always document everything bad happening to you on the basis of being trans and queer, it will come handy later. Always be open about your feelings.

I will win this fight and so will you.

# in before someone asks this, no, we don't try to apply for other visas like work and study yet. Maybe I can try, but most of us are too disabled for this. Or it will interrupt the job we already have. In no way I want to separate from my family if I end up being the only one who is allowed to stay in a country. Maybe our lawyer can find solution that satisfies all of us if things get sour, but for now please don't comment on that, we're specifically going through the asylum route