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The Awaited Apology.
a month ago
General
This is going to be a long text about an apology I must complete so my mind can rest after so long. Some might not want to read this, but even with that, this is something very important for me.
With the development of the past couple years, so many issues that have happened, all of them starting in 2023 coming all the way to 2026, I really need to speak about everything that has happened, related to me, and what I've done so wrong. I won't get into large detail of everything that I did, it wouldn't be enjoyable but I will mention what I did without detail.
I've done a lot of wrong things recently, mistake after mistake, and all of them only brought infamy towards my nickname, nowadays mentioning my name only brings tension and discomfort in spaces in which people knows me, there's only a very few who knows there's been a lot changing in me through this month, I've been unable to get rid of all the thoughts invading my head: "You did this, yes you did this, look at you, now a lot of people hates you, and they do not wish to see you again. Is this who wished to be?", so many similar thoughts invaded my head, I've always talked about "being the friend I never had" or being the best friend I could possibly be but everything that has happened lately just makes it all look like an empty promise created by a machine full of flaws, and that's what I look like now thanks to everything that I've done.
All these mistakes painted me like a person who always breaks boundaries, which was the main source of all of this, I always and always found myself accidentally pushing beyond people's boundaries, forgetting what they dislike and not reading their emotions then and again, continuously making the same mistake, promising such thing would never happen again only to do it once more, and secretly crying because of my idiotism, the guilt tripping of mine that surely became popular among the question of "What did he do now?", the constant lustful talk that only made people uncomfortable, the careless talk: saying things that I didn't mean to because of my emotions, and my constant clinginess that only made me look like a social leech, and the lack of control of my emotions, all of these mistakes I did made sure to cover my entire image in mud, and it's not their fault, it's mine, because I AM the one who made all these mistakes, nobody was in the wrong but me.
I really wished I could go ahead and apologize to each individual that has seemed affected by my stupidity, I really wish I could, but none of them wishes to look at me at all, I've fucked up so much that I basically can only use this as a way to relief myself and say I have apologized, because I literally cannot apologize to them as I am not allowed to say a word to them, so I thought I'd do all of this here, in the public eye. I am very sorry about everything that I did, I've went entire episodes of emotional wreckage on my bed late at night, constantly, pondering: "Did I really have to do all of that? Why did I do that?", I started to talk with the few friends that didn't leave me behind as well, since this drama has spiraled out of personal spaces and became a public topic, this made so many people leave me behind that weren't even linked to the problem and were dragged into it, I've lost a lot of friends, people that once thought I was someone alright now thinks I'm the greatest dumbass around, and it hurts me a lot, I've even... lost a good bit of very close friends, friends that I've made good memories with for some years, those friends are now making sure they never see me again and I'm here sitting, staring at my screen with my shaking hands and heart on the throat, knowing that even if I do this, there's a chance that I'm not gonna ever get forgiven for all I did and unfortunately I cannot control that, all I can do is sit here and let my genuine emotions flow in large texts so I can say that I'm... truly sorry. I spent nights just remembering every good moment I had with those friends, every laugh, every scream, every greet, every fight, every scene, every memory I made with them, all those memories are now stuck in a small box in my heart of memories I might be unable to make again with them, I've tried to apologize before to some of them but all of my words went to deaf ears, with the answer of: "You never change", "It's always the same", what can I do if I'm stupid? This time I did everything I could, I punished myself constantly, I cried constantly, I hit the wall constantly, I hid constantly, I vented constantly, all of those were my words full of sadness and anguish because I was dumb and made too many mistakes and now my world became cold and empty, like a no man's land in Antarctica, full of nothingness.
I really want to say, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry and I'm sorry, I don't know how else I can apologize, at times I even repeat myself because I just don't know what to say and try to fill up my apologies, I want to claim... this time, with total confidence that I have changed, I am no longer the person full of flaws who I used to be before, and for me, I still keep changing, because I always want to create a better version of myself no matter how dark the times are for me, I know that deep down there can be a light for me, even if all doors closed around me, there's always a small door that can lead me to the light, I just need to make up my mind and be better, show everyone that I can be better, show that I won't make such horrendous mistakes again, that way I can show the world that I will always respect everyone's boundaries, that I will always respect the decisions and emotions of my friends, I just want this to stop, this chaos that has been linked to my name, I want this hell to stop spiraling out of control, I created my own hell and I want it to end, and to achieve all of that I started where I had to start: Improve and Change. I still love all of those friends who turned their backs and walked away from me, I assume that none of them will read this thanks to the abysmal coldness made thanks to what I did, but I wish that this message, eventually could reach them. THIS is my TRUE apology, the TRUE words coming out of me, and those that are still my friends, I'm very thankful of having you all, those who helped me to realize everything that I did wrong, helped me change, helped me look ahead towards becoming a better person, a better friend, and I will continue to improve as a friend, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
I wish this message is read, and if you managed to make it here, thank you for reading all of this, this means a LOT for me, I don't want my world to stay cold, and having people see my apology will help me, the text on which I admit I did wrong, and that everything that I did was not right, and that I have made up my mind and changed, I am a better friend now, and will hold my promise of never committing this kind of mistakes ever again... I wish that maybe one day I'm able to rebuild all of these destroyed links, all of these connections I had, I wish I could get all of those friends back and be as united as we used to be... with all of this said, I can only say one last thing: I am sorry for everything, I have changed and faced myself, I will not mess up like this ever again.
Thanks for reading.
With the development of the past couple years, so many issues that have happened, all of them starting in 2023 coming all the way to 2026, I really need to speak about everything that has happened, related to me, and what I've done so wrong. I won't get into large detail of everything that I did, it wouldn't be enjoyable but I will mention what I did without detail.
I've done a lot of wrong things recently, mistake after mistake, and all of them only brought infamy towards my nickname, nowadays mentioning my name only brings tension and discomfort in spaces in which people knows me, there's only a very few who knows there's been a lot changing in me through this month, I've been unable to get rid of all the thoughts invading my head: "You did this, yes you did this, look at you, now a lot of people hates you, and they do not wish to see you again. Is this who wished to be?", so many similar thoughts invaded my head, I've always talked about "being the friend I never had" or being the best friend I could possibly be but everything that has happened lately just makes it all look like an empty promise created by a machine full of flaws, and that's what I look like now thanks to everything that I've done.
All these mistakes painted me like a person who always breaks boundaries, which was the main source of all of this, I always and always found myself accidentally pushing beyond people's boundaries, forgetting what they dislike and not reading their emotions then and again, continuously making the same mistake, promising such thing would never happen again only to do it once more, and secretly crying because of my idiotism, the guilt tripping of mine that surely became popular among the question of "What did he do now?", the constant lustful talk that only made people uncomfortable, the careless talk: saying things that I didn't mean to because of my emotions, and my constant clinginess that only made me look like a social leech, and the lack of control of my emotions, all of these mistakes I did made sure to cover my entire image in mud, and it's not their fault, it's mine, because I AM the one who made all these mistakes, nobody was in the wrong but me.
I really wished I could go ahead and apologize to each individual that has seemed affected by my stupidity, I really wish I could, but none of them wishes to look at me at all, I've fucked up so much that I basically can only use this as a way to relief myself and say I have apologized, because I literally cannot apologize to them as I am not allowed to say a word to them, so I thought I'd do all of this here, in the public eye. I am very sorry about everything that I did, I've went entire episodes of emotional wreckage on my bed late at night, constantly, pondering: "Did I really have to do all of that? Why did I do that?", I started to talk with the few friends that didn't leave me behind as well, since this drama has spiraled out of personal spaces and became a public topic, this made so many people leave me behind that weren't even linked to the problem and were dragged into it, I've lost a lot of friends, people that once thought I was someone alright now thinks I'm the greatest dumbass around, and it hurts me a lot, I've even... lost a good bit of very close friends, friends that I've made good memories with for some years, those friends are now making sure they never see me again and I'm here sitting, staring at my screen with my shaking hands and heart on the throat, knowing that even if I do this, there's a chance that I'm not gonna ever get forgiven for all I did and unfortunately I cannot control that, all I can do is sit here and let my genuine emotions flow in large texts so I can say that I'm... truly sorry. I spent nights just remembering every good moment I had with those friends, every laugh, every scream, every greet, every fight, every scene, every memory I made with them, all those memories are now stuck in a small box in my heart of memories I might be unable to make again with them, I've tried to apologize before to some of them but all of my words went to deaf ears, with the answer of: "You never change", "It's always the same", what can I do if I'm stupid? This time I did everything I could, I punished myself constantly, I cried constantly, I hit the wall constantly, I hid constantly, I vented constantly, all of those were my words full of sadness and anguish because I was dumb and made too many mistakes and now my world became cold and empty, like a no man's land in Antarctica, full of nothingness.
I really want to say, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry and I'm sorry, I don't know how else I can apologize, at times I even repeat myself because I just don't know what to say and try to fill up my apologies, I want to claim... this time, with total confidence that I have changed, I am no longer the person full of flaws who I used to be before, and for me, I still keep changing, because I always want to create a better version of myself no matter how dark the times are for me, I know that deep down there can be a light for me, even if all doors closed around me, there's always a small door that can lead me to the light, I just need to make up my mind and be better, show everyone that I can be better, show that I won't make such horrendous mistakes again, that way I can show the world that I will always respect everyone's boundaries, that I will always respect the decisions and emotions of my friends, I just want this to stop, this chaos that has been linked to my name, I want this hell to stop spiraling out of control, I created my own hell and I want it to end, and to achieve all of that I started where I had to start: Improve and Change. I still love all of those friends who turned their backs and walked away from me, I assume that none of them will read this thanks to the abysmal coldness made thanks to what I did, but I wish that this message, eventually could reach them. THIS is my TRUE apology, the TRUE words coming out of me, and those that are still my friends, I'm very thankful of having you all, those who helped me to realize everything that I did wrong, helped me change, helped me look ahead towards becoming a better person, a better friend, and I will continue to improve as a friend, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
I wish this message is read, and if you managed to make it here, thank you for reading all of this, this means a LOT for me, I don't want my world to stay cold, and having people see my apology will help me, the text on which I admit I did wrong, and that everything that I did was not right, and that I have made up my mind and changed, I am a better friend now, and will hold my promise of never committing this kind of mistakes ever again... I wish that maybe one day I'm able to rebuild all of these destroyed links, all of these connections I had, I wish I could get all of those friends back and be as united as we used to be... with all of this said, I can only say one last thing: I am sorry for everything, I have changed and faced myself, I will not mess up like this ever again.
Thanks for reading.
I don't think anyone else is gonna make a comment here, and I was told by friends and family to never re-establish contact with you again... but I feel obligated to say something. I feel as though there were things I did not go over when we first parted ways.
Let me first admit to some of my own shortcomings during our period as friends, as short-lived as that was. Firstly, I did not reinforce the boundaries I set as much as I should have. I appealed to you. I said I didn't want to do certain things, then later down the line I ended up taking that path because you just-... seemed happy in the moment. I did things because I was incapable of putting my foot down at the time, and I remained pliant a little too much. Things built upon other stuff, and it reached a breaking point. That was my fault. Not to say you weren't at fault either, but I too made mistakes.
Secondly, I wish I addressed more things at the time that I am now mentioning now. In the beginning, you told me that you wanted to get to know me better, and through that I gave you access to my main Discord account. I expected you to talk to me on that one the majority of the time, but instead you preferred to contact me on my kinky one. What I SHOULD have done is directed you towards your goal, reminded you of what you wanted to really do. I did not. However, if I did multiple times tried to get you to communicate on my main and you ignored... then I would have indeed cut ties.
However, let's put the focus back on you. When you focused mostly on my Intervibes account, what it told me at the time is that you DIDN'T want to get to know me fully; I told you that the kinky side is a very tiny part of me, and to get the full picture, you must go to my main to talk. That did not work. I tried to get that through by diverting from the lustful talk with story elements from other things, but all of that fell flat. Your.... admittance to how full your head is of horny thoughts was a major red flag to me, one that I wary of the entire time we were friends. You said it in this apology yourself: it made people uncomfortable.
You mentioned to me towards the end that you had repeatedly gotten called manipulative by people before and lost friends that way. I wish at the time I had directed you towards looking at yourself, because if you've been called manipulative multiple times by multiple people... there's something wrong with YOU. You know that now though, don't you? I just wish I had brought it up so you could've perhaps gone a different direction earlier on.
Going back to getting to know me better, what you did was wait too long. In the beginning, I laid out who I was beyond the kinks. I told you I like 3D modeling and storywriting, as well as enjoy aerospace kinds of content. When I asked for yours in return... I got nothing back. It was a dead end, and we went back to our regular scheduled program. Towards the end when you had your crash-out and finally told me everything you liked, you told me that "no one actually cares about it". Well no, you just told me all of that WAY too late. You mentioned it when I had already reached my breaking point. What it looked like was less of a genuine attempt to show an expansive side to yourself, but a desperate attempt to save a friendship.
I said this time and time again that a friendship built on the grounds of shared kinks was doomed from the start... I would say that probably is still true, but that's not to say I didn't try as listed above... we know how that went. Maybe this is better: a friendship where one party does not match the same energy as the other will be rocky, and it must be treated especially carefully by both sides or else it will crumble. Both must make an effort:
You had a.... well yes, you were very clingy and demanded a lot of attention. Attention I could not give. I am not built to talk to someone every single day, not even every week. Those times where I'd disappear for months... that's how I normally operate. That's how the majority of my friends do. That was MY normal, and that was not made clear at first. YOU interpreted my actions as abandonment; I interpreted yours as draining. I admit to purposefully having myself selected as offline on Discord to avoid you because I knew I wouldn't have the energy. RP takes a LOT of energy.
And speaking of RP... Let's talk about that. Specifically, let's talk about the promise that I could not hold up. Your... your sweet talk, your praise of me.. got to me. I got too confident in myself. Your request for a Slice of Life style RP felt so simple, and I thought "I can do this!"... but I couldn't. I overstepped my own boundaries, and by the time I realized, I did not have the confidence in myself nor the trust in you that I could turn around and turn it down. I tried... but it didn't work.
Also, your last part. I hate to break it to you, but you will definitely mess up like this in the future. You're still young; it's GONNA happen. I'VE done it, albeit I faced this part of myself much earlier on in middle school when I realized I was a manipulative emotional blackmailer that was so desperate to keep my only loyal friend that I seized control over him. If I ever met him again, I would apologize deeply... and I know he could forgive me.
What should we say of all this? That while you certainly made a slew of mistakes that you've certainly listed here, it would be wrong of me to say I wasn't at fault for something in there. Should you take that as a means to ease your worries? Mmmm... no. I don't think so. Last thing I want is for you to make any excuse for yourself to not improve. I don't think you will, but still. This isn't going to get fixed for you for... who knows how long? But it's a step. You're making progress. That's what's important.
My message may be shit, but i dont think i see anything bad from you despite im only a watcher since the start of 2025... You're pretty cool despite not knowing anything about you!