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Help? (Vent/Fear)
3 months ago
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I might have to start job hunting. I did see my local dollar tree was hiring for customer service associate, it's only 13-16$ an hour part time but... It's something. And I think there was one other place I might be able to check out.
If I can get a job and keep it, maybe I'll be able to pay down my bills and not have such a big queue anymore. I've just... Never had a job before. I've always been a freelance artist. I'm scared I won't be good enough or I'll get sick a lot. I know people work with cancer and stuff, so I shouldn't complain.
I just don't have experience or credentials. I don't have anything to offer and I'll make mistakes constantly. I just won't be good enough. I'm 30 years old and I'm so inexperienced in life. But I want better for myself. There's no way I can dig myself out of this fucking hole without some sort of stability. Art isn't enough anymore. 10 years ago I could live off what I made. Price of living, my debt and life - it's just not enough.
I'm scared. I feel like a 15 year old, trying to get their first job. Except a 15 year old would have leeway. No life experience, rookie starts. But I'm 30. It's so embarrassing to not have a resume. I have worked for so long on my own in my own business that I am the last thing people are looking for.
There's also just not a lot of options out here and I can't drive 45-1hr with how my car is now. I don't have a lot of options.
But I can't keep living like this either. Every day I wake up and want to just end it. I don't want to die. I want to stop surviving and start living. I love art. But it doesn't bring me happiness anymore either. I realize customer service is no better, but I genuinely don't show what people say about me or have sent me. Just awful things at times. People have taken my joy from my work. I want to finish the art in my queue. But I also want to draw things that make me happy too and I can't even do a sketch without people being mad at me for taking time for myself.
I need to finish my queue. But I also need stability. I cannot work for 25$ like I used to. Flat busts still take me 4 hours if not longer. That's under 7$ an hour. Under minimum wage. I can't live anymore. I get it, the economy is bad. I know it's bad. I buy five things at the store and it's 40$. It's insane. And I'm sorry I take forever on things. I promise I'm trying. It's just a bottomless pit of work with no reward and no living. I don't leave the house. I don't have friends besides my boyfriend. I spend day in and day out just staring at a screen.
It's not living. And I'm scared of real work. A real job I have to understand and try. But I wonder if it's better than living like this. I'm miserable. I don't want to live anymore. I look in the mirror and want to bash my face against it. I hate myself and I have no purpose in life. And I'm so upset by it. I want to live. I want to feel something again. And I'm scared to do it. I know people take chances all the time. It shouldn't be terrifying to apply to a general store. But I am.
I know I'm acting like a child. But can people please give me advice? Encouragement? I'm scared and I want to live.
If I can get a job and keep it, maybe I'll be able to pay down my bills and not have such a big queue anymore. I've just... Never had a job before. I've always been a freelance artist. I'm scared I won't be good enough or I'll get sick a lot. I know people work with cancer and stuff, so I shouldn't complain.
I just don't have experience or credentials. I don't have anything to offer and I'll make mistakes constantly. I just won't be good enough. I'm 30 years old and I'm so inexperienced in life. But I want better for myself. There's no way I can dig myself out of this fucking hole without some sort of stability. Art isn't enough anymore. 10 years ago I could live off what I made. Price of living, my debt and life - it's just not enough.
I'm scared. I feel like a 15 year old, trying to get their first job. Except a 15 year old would have leeway. No life experience, rookie starts. But I'm 30. It's so embarrassing to not have a resume. I have worked for so long on my own in my own business that I am the last thing people are looking for.
There's also just not a lot of options out here and I can't drive 45-1hr with how my car is now. I don't have a lot of options.
But I can't keep living like this either. Every day I wake up and want to just end it. I don't want to die. I want to stop surviving and start living. I love art. But it doesn't bring me happiness anymore either. I realize customer service is no better, but I genuinely don't show what people say about me or have sent me. Just awful things at times. People have taken my joy from my work. I want to finish the art in my queue. But I also want to draw things that make me happy too and I can't even do a sketch without people being mad at me for taking time for myself.
I need to finish my queue. But I also need stability. I cannot work for 25$ like I used to. Flat busts still take me 4 hours if not longer. That's under 7$ an hour. Under minimum wage. I can't live anymore. I get it, the economy is bad. I know it's bad. I buy five things at the store and it's 40$. It's insane. And I'm sorry I take forever on things. I promise I'm trying. It's just a bottomless pit of work with no reward and no living. I don't leave the house. I don't have friends besides my boyfriend. I spend day in and day out just staring at a screen.
It's not living. And I'm scared of real work. A real job I have to understand and try. But I wonder if it's better than living like this. I'm miserable. I don't want to live anymore. I look in the mirror and want to bash my face against it. I hate myself and I have no purpose in life. And I'm so upset by it. I want to live. I want to feel something again. And I'm scared to do it. I know people take chances all the time. It shouldn't be terrifying to apply to a general store. But I am.
I know I'm acting like a child. But can people please give me advice? Encouragement? I'm scared and I want to live.
I know it's scary, but you're doing so great by putting yourself out there to find work. First times can be challenging and scary, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. Take a breath. Do things one step at a time. The key to applying to a job, outside of knowing someone who can help get your foot in the door, is to apply apply apply. You'll probably be faced with rejection a lot, and that sucks, but it is what it is. It's a numbers game. So don't give up. You'll find something. You got this!
It's actually chill like 98% of the time, and honestly the stable paycheck IS a relief. Art brings a lot of uncertainty, you don't know when your next payment will be or from where. Just that security of X amount of hours a week and X amount of pay is nice. Especially if you go fulltime.
Places like Dollar Tree and other stores don't REALLY care about your resume, they care about your availability. Can you open? Can you close? Can you work weekends?
I have NEVER had a problem getting a job honestly because I am willing to work any days/times and my only ask is that I just have consecutive days off and I have only encountered one employer who couldn't (well, didn't want to) make it happen and I quit and found a job that COULD and that employer is BEGGING for me to return and has apologized for not respecting my one boundary because nowadays most employees don't give a FUCK and don't show up or do the bare minimum of their jobs. (Which, idc either but I like to actually do my work because I find it fulfilling personally.)
Something to keep in mind is that it's never that serious, especially when you're working at like a walmart or something. Anytime I get a lill pissed or whatever I just remind myself that's a fucking GROCERY STORE and ultimately Karens don't matter and THEIR dispositions are not a reflection of ME. People gonna come n go, but the work is simple, most of the customers are like deadpan or maaaaybe a lil snippy but they're not often fully aggressive. If you have a good set of shoes and you don't take things personally, you'll probably be their best employee. Actually sometimes just getting to your shifts on time and not calling out makes you the best employee. ðŸ˜
People don't figure their life out until their 30s-40s.
Anything before that is just Hollywood Fairytale, Word of Mouth, Easy Street, and/or Silverspooning type shii.
Paycheck is a paycheck regardless if you work fastfood, retail, a job no one else wants but you can do - do what you have to, to survive. <3
In all of my times at retail jobs, I can count on my hands how many have been bad experiences with customers. Most of them were only so bad because they also have a story to coincide with them but like..the number is so few, especially if you're presenting a good attitude, that retail work is a recommended first job. Would definitely recommend retail over food service..I couldn't stomach the average fast food customer in my area.
Go for the job, the stable paycheck will be so so helpful. Knowing you have a set amount coming means you can pay off what you need to and budget. Freelance is barely viable anymore, it’s incredibly hard. I’m a freelancer and has been desperately looking for jobs and it’s so difficult.
It’s not over until you’re dead. You’ll be alright. You have time, and you have a choice. Be the good you need for yourself.
I don’t know how long it’ll take or how it’ll come around but it’ll be okay, I promise. You've survived 100% of everything bad that’s happened to you and you’ll keep doing it.
From one artist to another, it’s okay to be scared of change but ready is not a feeling, it’s a decision!
Looking for a part-time job right now isn’t giving up on art. It’s giving yourself some breathing room. Stability doesn’t mean you failed—it means you’re taking care of yourself. And starting somewhere like customer service isn’t a judgment on your worth or age. People start (and restart) careers at 30, 40, 50+ all the time. There is no deadline you missed.
You don’t need to be perfect to be employable. You need to show up, try, and learn—and those are things you’ve already proven you can do. Everyone makes mistakes at first. That’s not a personal flaw; that’s how jobs work.
Personally, I’ve been through something really similar. For the longest time, the idea of getting a job terrified me—the new environment, new people, expectations. I’d stress nonstop, couldn’t sleep, felt sick to my stomach, and overthought every possible scenario. It consumed my thoughts.
But honestly? After the first few days, that fear just… faded. Once I was actually there, learning and doing, my brain stopped filling in worst-case scenarios. It became routine faster than I ever expected.
You’re capable of more than you think, and you won’t always feel this scared. It does get easier, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now!
Do it scared, worried, inexperienced, depressed but do it. The hard work will pay off but you have to hold on to that feeling. Of wanting to live. Your heart will guild the rest of the way, trust yourself to navigate these hard times.
You are an artist and an Entrepreneur, Self Made. Don't forget that! Chin up, some days suck. But every day is a new chance to learn how to surprise yourself. Let it happen. Bad feelings are so strong, but they don't last.
You Got this <3
(I'm 37 and I never moved outta State before or Had my own apartment. I'm in the middle of that rn. High-key i am saying this to myself too.)
But, I'm back in school now and I'm following a path that I'm actually really interested in. This program has opportunities for internships so I can get the work experience on top of the practical knowledge.
And honestly? I'm a 38 year old grandma. This is stuff I feel like I should have done in my 20s.
But, as someone who has worked in retail, especially Dollar Tree, I really don't think you're going to have a problem. I worked for a big box store, and even there you still had community. They should teach you everything you need to know and honestly it was one of the easiest jobs I've ever worked. Mistakes will happen. With retail, they tend not to care so much about experience unless you're going in to management. It's more your availability. They won't have a problem training you, they do it for everyone else, they will overlook experience. But knowing you are available for whatever shift they may want to give you is going to be more interesting to them.
If you have a Walmart around you, it's a good entry spot for retail. They generally have low standards, turn around is pretty quick for retail places. I started as a cashier and ended on the initial/tester team for when the CAP system was starting. And really, all you need is the willingness to learn and you will thrive in retail.
One thing I will say for certain though, don't be discouraged if you don't hear anything, particularly right now in this span of time. January/February is usually the start of the fiscal year for retailers, so hiring is low in these months.
Take a look at freelance websites like Upwork. see what projects people are *actually looking for* right now, and see how you can build out those skills. maybe take some time to build a digital portfolio website (even that in and of itself builds a skill). honestly, even if you can get your foot in the door at a local graphic design shop, maybe you can network with clients. get some kind of niche skillset. heck you've probably done social media; you could do a part time social media management gig. you'd be amazed at how clueless the average small business is at those.
i see so many artists defaulting to retail, coffee shops, art stores, etc etc and completely ignoring the parallel skillset they've built that can work in graphic design, web development, marketing, etc. you literally just have to frame things the right way to people doing the hiring. please believe in yourself!!!
I sincerely believe it will help you and you will stumble and more likely to make mistakes, but that doesn't mean you are worthless. You are a person and if you show you're willing to grow and adapt, you will be alright.