oh look at me ranting all over again about this typa stuff

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkoML0_FiV4
Sonder.

Finding the ghosts of internet users makes me profoundly sad as well, though I am unable to articulate exactly what emotion it gives me besides it being profound. Maybe sonder is a correct word, but then in the sense of thinking if I were to lose someone, that they were close to someone, what do their friends think? What were they like? I almost wish to know them in this retrospect. I almost feel some level of romanticization or fetishization, and I don't know why. I just want to hug their friends, friends expressing this loss. I dwell on the death of friends, worrying about what would happen if someone close to me were too, how sad I'd be, how emotionally wrecked I'd be. It becomes a type of fantasy, it becomes this need to be comforted, then almost wishing someone would die so I could feel cared for and fetishized. I know that if it were to actually happen it'd be nothing but grief. Encountering the potential idea of friends leaving purposely gives me too much dread, and I cry, I cry when suicidal threats come up, or permanent isolation. People in suffering are cute to me, I wish I could have the same suffering others have. Spoiled brat. "I, I can't even taste my own tears, They fall into an even sadder bastard's eyes"

A while ago i had a conversation with a friend of mine about the habits and thoughts we had as a kid.
I’d mentioned a scenario i’ve always had that is practically the same as what I mentioned in this journal, but narrowed down.

I had always want to, in any degree, be hurt or injured enough where i would be incapacitated of some sort.
This was never meant a masochist way or anything, i just really wondered if something like that happened, would any care be given to me by any person other than my immediate family. Would anyone notice the absence of my presence and go out of their way to reach out?
(my friend told me this was a common sign of trauma or lack of care/attention or whatever, but thats besides the point).

considering what you’ve said though, i really like the stance youre at. obviously not particularly on the glorification of suffering, but i realize now the thi-fold aspect of this.


A - the subject of the loss, you yourself are the eminence of loss and emotions of sorrow. The one that cannot speak, but the most heard
B - the witness, the ones closest to the source, other than the subject itself. they all grieve from the same, perhaps at different levels, but still from the same point. They all still echo A’s existence.
C - the spectators. It’s Us. The ones who look inward to such events, echoed by the first hand witnesses, reverberated through the cries of B, as the A can no longer.

this line could never possibly be completely hemmed. The existence of one constitutes the other. The A wishes for B to echo their lasting cries of existence, and the B wishes for the C to witness and empathize, not always though direct actions or words, but the realization that they, A and B, exist. A desire of validation.

yet, where does C stand? do they want or need anybody to recognize their existence. obviously not. most often than not, people and also I can understand it’s okay to simply exist.
I believe this is where the concept of sonder most confidently sits, understanding that others are here too (A & B).

however, there will always be another level to stand on myself, and i believe yourself too, understanding the inward sided.

existence of existing.

That is D - the awareness of your existence while knowing youre being perceived differently by each and every person.
To realize that your life is someone else’s A in life.

maybe my childhood thoughts werent just about wanting to see who cared if i got hurt or not. maybe it was me wanting to be a ripple and that being here matters beyond obligation.

I don’t want to be invisible. maybe thats why I’m so aware. I’m so aware that the thought of sonder exists.

wow, i’m sorry thats alot

I like what you have said, this hyperselfawareness, but then I wonder if for me there is this disconnect between feeling like someone's A in life, that even if logically I know I am, that I can't trust this feeling fully, and feel I've tricked people. Always some disconnect, and this disconnect is what leads to extreme scenarios where any sympathy my way feels completely and utterly not my fault, an outside accident, so I don't have to think whenever a friend gives me sympathy and says I am not a bad person "but what about all this terrible stuff that makes me worthless? I have tricked you" I suppose I am just ranting about my self. I think im a narcissist. Perpetual guilt.