Another new year, some things have changed and not for the better.

I'm currently struggling with back pain that just won't let up making me paranoid about moving and bending because it can go from pain level 0 to 10 in an instant. Unfortunately there's nothing doctors can do but prescribe taking pain killers (which often times aren't enough).

Mentally I struggle every day with treatment-resistant depression that stems from a menage a tois of issues: autism, general social anxiety, and severe burn out. I'm always spinning my tires even just to get out of bed. Most days I'm on autopilot just trying to find something to feel or to get through the day to be at a point I can find something to feel. This causes a struggle with caffeine and sugar addiction as well. It also causes major issues with my work as I'm constantly having to hold my tongue against managers because I want to buttheads but can't afford to lose my job. I also struggle with applying to new jobs because the anxiety of the interview freaks me the fuck out. (I also realized that every job I've ever gotten have been due to knowing someone already there)

Some other things to get off my chest: I had $12000 stolen from me by someone I once trusted. My disabled mother is a burden to me (even though I will never tell her that). I have no aspirations anymore and am just waiting to die.

The only thing that makes me happy nowadays are my friends and I wouldn't still be around without them. So... here's to another unproductive, miserable year of going day by day yearning for SOMETHING.