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6 months ago
General
Hate me all you want, I don't care anymore. I am tired. I have no ill intent towards any of you, I haven’t even said shit about you guys unless to people who wanted to know. But what, I am the liar? The bad guy? The deranged person? I have had severe mental issues for years, but what, that doesn't justify shit? I know! That is why I am trying to fix myself for you all! But no, that doesn't fucking matter. Shit you all said on VC is untraceable and you are using that to your advantage. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. Just leave me the fuck alone and stop ruining my community and friendships. I would never try to do that to you ever. I do still care, but seeing this kind of shit hurts. I am done, I will be backing off from everything if this continues.
I cannot handle another round of losing everything again all because I have been through shit and was self-destructive until I started to get the fucking help I have been needing for so long. I am trying so hard to heal and move on and be a better person, but how can I when all that happens is people thinking I deserve to seep in the actions of my past? How can I move on when all I know is the person I was and not the person I am? It is so hard to heal when you are not given the chance. I have tried so many times, but for what? To have everything I have ever said or done be misshapen, twisted, convoluted, and so much more to make me look like someone with no feelings or remorse? I do care. I still care. I cry over seeing snakes killed, I cry over seeing rats hurt, I refuse to hurt a damn animal. Yet I did, and I beat myself up about it and made it look like I enjoyed it just to make myself look horrible. I said shit, but I never fucking meant any of it. I was self-destructive, but I became aware and I am trying to move the fuck on, but I can't when no one seems to understand a word I cry.
You think I enjoy living like this? Constantly on edge, constantly feeling like no matter what I do, it will never be enough? I wake up every day wondering if today is the day people will finally just let me be, or if it’s another day of whispers, another day of twisting my words, another day of painting me as a monster I am not. I am not a monster. I am human, I am broken, and I am trying. But trying doesn’t seem to matter to anyone when all you want to see is my downfall.
Do you not understand how much it kills me to lose people I once called friends? To lose communities I built with my own hands and heart? You think I don’t notice when people back away, when people leave, when people pretend like I never mattered in the first place? I notice. Every single time. And it cuts deeper than I can ever put into words.
I am not asking for pity. I am not asking for forgiveness. All I am asking for is the chance to prove I am not the same person I once was. The chance to breathe without being suffocated by the past. I have made mistakes—I own that. I have said things I should have never said—I own that too. But don’t dare tell me I am incapable of change when I have clawed my way through hell just to find the strength to try.
If you want to hate me, then hate me. But don’t drag down everything I love with you. Don’t destroy the few things I have left just to spite me. Because one day, when the dust settles, maybe you will finally see that all I ever wanted was to heal, to grow, and to finally, finally stop being treated like the ghost of who I used to be.
Maybe this is the last time I’ll ever speak on this. Maybe it won’t matter, maybe it’ll just get twisted again like everything else I say. But I have to put it down, because if I don’t, it’ll eat me alive.
I am tired of being your scapegoat, your punching bag, your villain. I am tired of watching everything I build get ripped apart because people can’t let go of the image they created of me. That’s not who I am anymore. That’s not who I want to be anymore. I have worked too hard, fought too hard, to stay trapped in a cycle that does nothing but break me.
I am still here because I care. I care about my community. I care about the people who stood by me when I had nothing. I care about the animals I protect and the friendships I try to hold onto. If I didn’t care, I would have walked away long ago. But I stayed, I fought for a chance to be better, and all I’ve gotten in return is silence, rumors, and knives in my back.
I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to beg for understanding anymore. I don’t want to keep reliving a past I am already punishing myself for. I just want peace. I just want to keep moving forward, no matter how slow, no matter how hard.
So go ahead. Call me what you want. Believe whatever makes it easier for you to hate me. But know this: I am not stopping. I am not giving up. I will keep healing, I will keep building, I will keep moving forward—even if I have to do it alone. Because at the end of the day, I know who I am now. And no one can take that away from me.
I cannot handle another round of losing everything again all because I have been through shit and was self-destructive until I started to get the fucking help I have been needing for so long. I am trying so hard to heal and move on and be a better person, but how can I when all that happens is people thinking I deserve to seep in the actions of my past? How can I move on when all I know is the person I was and not the person I am? It is so hard to heal when you are not given the chance. I have tried so many times, but for what? To have everything I have ever said or done be misshapen, twisted, convoluted, and so much more to make me look like someone with no feelings or remorse? I do care. I still care. I cry over seeing snakes killed, I cry over seeing rats hurt, I refuse to hurt a damn animal. Yet I did, and I beat myself up about it and made it look like I enjoyed it just to make myself look horrible. I said shit, but I never fucking meant any of it. I was self-destructive, but I became aware and I am trying to move the fuck on, but I can't when no one seems to understand a word I cry.
You think I enjoy living like this? Constantly on edge, constantly feeling like no matter what I do, it will never be enough? I wake up every day wondering if today is the day people will finally just let me be, or if it’s another day of whispers, another day of twisting my words, another day of painting me as a monster I am not. I am not a monster. I am human, I am broken, and I am trying. But trying doesn’t seem to matter to anyone when all you want to see is my downfall.
Do you not understand how much it kills me to lose people I once called friends? To lose communities I built with my own hands and heart? You think I don’t notice when people back away, when people leave, when people pretend like I never mattered in the first place? I notice. Every single time. And it cuts deeper than I can ever put into words.
I am not asking for pity. I am not asking for forgiveness. All I am asking for is the chance to prove I am not the same person I once was. The chance to breathe without being suffocated by the past. I have made mistakes—I own that. I have said things I should have never said—I own that too. But don’t dare tell me I am incapable of change when I have clawed my way through hell just to find the strength to try.
If you want to hate me, then hate me. But don’t drag down everything I love with you. Don’t destroy the few things I have left just to spite me. Because one day, when the dust settles, maybe you will finally see that all I ever wanted was to heal, to grow, and to finally, finally stop being treated like the ghost of who I used to be.
Maybe this is the last time I’ll ever speak on this. Maybe it won’t matter, maybe it’ll just get twisted again like everything else I say. But I have to put it down, because if I don’t, it’ll eat me alive.
I am tired of being your scapegoat, your punching bag, your villain. I am tired of watching everything I build get ripped apart because people can’t let go of the image they created of me. That’s not who I am anymore. That’s not who I want to be anymore. I have worked too hard, fought too hard, to stay trapped in a cycle that does nothing but break me.
I am still here because I care. I care about my community. I care about the people who stood by me when I had nothing. I care about the animals I protect and the friendships I try to hold onto. If I didn’t care, I would have walked away long ago. But I stayed, I fought for a chance to be better, and all I’ve gotten in return is silence, rumors, and knives in my back.
I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to beg for understanding anymore. I don’t want to keep reliving a past I am already punishing myself for. I just want peace. I just want to keep moving forward, no matter how slow, no matter how hard.
So go ahead. Call me what you want. Believe whatever makes it easier for you to hate me. But know this: I am not stopping. I am not giving up. I will keep healing, I will keep building, I will keep moving forward—even if I have to do it alone. Because at the end of the day, I know who I am now. And no one can take that away from me.
Fuck 'em.