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Life update: May have made a mistake... (Possibly rant-y)
3 years ago
General
So, some of you might know that I started a new job about 5 weeks ago (August 2nd to be specific).
Well... It's not going all that well, truthfully.
From day one, I unfortunately have been getting very easily stressed out. At times, overly emotional, to the point I couldn't keep my temper in check. Well, today, that seemed to all come to a head. You see, for the last two days in particular, I promised myself I'd let go, and have no problems with my anger. And, I've actually been able to keep that. I've not gotten angry, had no blowup episodes or nothing. But... It may be too late. You see, we were having a company barbeque at work, and of course I was invited, so I went. Decided it's time I try to finally come out of my shell. I tried to strike up conversations with a few people, but no one would talk to me. I couldn't get more than short answers, and practically nothing from the people who work in the same department as myself.
I think I have already tarnished my reputation too far. So, even if the place isn't going to fire me, I'm certainly not making friends.
But the issue doesn't end there.
In addition to not losing my temper, I also have been keeping a close watch on my progress. While I certainly do sometimes still feel pressured, often feeling like I need to be in two places at once or have eyes in the back of my head because something is always going on or needing to get done where I'm not looking, because I'm focused on other tasks, I think I did pretty well.
For context, my workspace puts me beside two conveyor belts - one delivers the product that I package, the other carries my packages to the labelling machine (Which I shit you not, has probably broken down more times in the month I've been here than years I've been alive) But I'm also responsible for delivering box lids to the labellers, to cover the products with. The chute for those lids being right above my head. They go through those lids faster than I load product, and stuff never stop coming during the morning - there is constant product coming down the conveyor I have to package, and if I don't grab the cuts I'm responsbile for (usually the unlabelled stuff) they get carried down the conveyor and to the next worker who is usually handling the import items (labelled items go to Europe) so they have to carry those back to me. Plus, shit falls off the conveyor a lot if I'm not standing there, like when I am bringing the box lids over to the labellers or going to retrieve an item that go past me, and if a packaged item falls on the floor it has to go back on a different conveyor, one that sits on the other side of my department and can take me at least 5 seconds to reach and come back from (May not sound like much but a lot can happen in 5 seconds).
So yeah, two places at once, eye in back of head. Easily the hardest part of the job, BUT, today, I was managing. I had no blowups, and my only incident was a misunderstood bit of instructions, but otherwise, I think I overall did quite well. I kept up, I kept my emotions in check, product kept moving, all in all a good day. Yanno what I felt?
Absolute. Apathy.
No pride, no confidence, no accomplishment, not even a tinge of joy... I literally did not care. After putting in all that effort, I just did not care, even though I had done so well.
So what does this mean, when that even after doing a good job you just don't give a damn? All that effort, just for a hollow sensation? What's the fucking point?
So yeah... After all this, plus the awkwardness of that barbeque... Perhaps this job was a mistake. Leaving the hotel where I was before was necessary - I needed to get out, but this may have just not been the right way to go.
Well... It's not going all that well, truthfully.
From day one, I unfortunately have been getting very easily stressed out. At times, overly emotional, to the point I couldn't keep my temper in check. Well, today, that seemed to all come to a head. You see, for the last two days in particular, I promised myself I'd let go, and have no problems with my anger. And, I've actually been able to keep that. I've not gotten angry, had no blowup episodes or nothing. But... It may be too late. You see, we were having a company barbeque at work, and of course I was invited, so I went. Decided it's time I try to finally come out of my shell. I tried to strike up conversations with a few people, but no one would talk to me. I couldn't get more than short answers, and practically nothing from the people who work in the same department as myself.
I think I have already tarnished my reputation too far. So, even if the place isn't going to fire me, I'm certainly not making friends.
But the issue doesn't end there.
In addition to not losing my temper, I also have been keeping a close watch on my progress. While I certainly do sometimes still feel pressured, often feeling like I need to be in two places at once or have eyes in the back of my head because something is always going on or needing to get done where I'm not looking, because I'm focused on other tasks, I think I did pretty well.
For context, my workspace puts me beside two conveyor belts - one delivers the product that I package, the other carries my packages to the labelling machine (Which I shit you not, has probably broken down more times in the month I've been here than years I've been alive) But I'm also responsible for delivering box lids to the labellers, to cover the products with. The chute for those lids being right above my head. They go through those lids faster than I load product, and stuff never stop coming during the morning - there is constant product coming down the conveyor I have to package, and if I don't grab the cuts I'm responsbile for (usually the unlabelled stuff) they get carried down the conveyor and to the next worker who is usually handling the import items (labelled items go to Europe) so they have to carry those back to me. Plus, shit falls off the conveyor a lot if I'm not standing there, like when I am bringing the box lids over to the labellers or going to retrieve an item that go past me, and if a packaged item falls on the floor it has to go back on a different conveyor, one that sits on the other side of my department and can take me at least 5 seconds to reach and come back from (May not sound like much but a lot can happen in 5 seconds).
So yeah, two places at once, eye in back of head. Easily the hardest part of the job, BUT, today, I was managing. I had no blowups, and my only incident was a misunderstood bit of instructions, but otherwise, I think I overall did quite well. I kept up, I kept my emotions in check, product kept moving, all in all a good day. Yanno what I felt?
Absolute. Apathy.
No pride, no confidence, no accomplishment, not even a tinge of joy... I literally did not care. After putting in all that effort, I just did not care, even though I had done so well.
So what does this mean, when that even after doing a good job you just don't give a damn? All that effort, just for a hollow sensation? What's the fucking point?
So yeah... After all this, plus the awkwardness of that barbeque... Perhaps this job was a mistake. Leaving the hotel where I was before was necessary - I needed to get out, but this may have just not been the right way to go.
I say this just to show you that sometimes the right job is one you never expect is going to work out well. I know that you needed to leave your last job and that it took a long time to find this one, but keep the faith. Maybe it takes a while for people to warm up to you, but for now just try to do a good job and be the best you can be. It may not be where you were meant to be but perhaps at least you can find a way to make it work for you, at least for now. Five weeks in is a little early to write it off completely.
Keep at it.