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Commission for ANONYMOUS about a Rottweiler who gets captured and tortured by aliens. But as the aliens begin to probe the dog, he discovers an unorthodox way to "fight back."
Everyone at the party cheered after making the toast and started to drink from their beer bottles. All the canines had a right to be celebrating, given that they just won their high school’s final and biggest football game for the entire year. Of those canines was a muscular Rottweiler named Eli, who was responsible for scoring the winning touching down at the very last second. All the players on his team huddled around Eli, chanting his name, giving him noogies, patting him on the back, etc. Everyone on the team put all their effort into the game, but it was Eli who prevented the team from losing. Right now the eighteen-year-old dog was leaning against the snack table, wearing jeans and a jacket with his school’s name written on the back. Despite all the praise the canine was getting, the only thing on Eli’s mind was food. Playing so fiercely that night had tired him out; even now as he leaned against a table he could hear his stomach growling. Eli put down his bottle of beer and turned around, looking at all the delicious food. The Rottweiler didn’t even bother to see what kind of food was being served on the party table. He just grabbed the first thing he saw and started eating.
The Rottweiler started to noisily chow down on a very large bean burrito, only stopping when his mouth was too full to take any more in. He chewed with his mouth open and swallowed hard before the dog continued to consume the burrito. Once it was down his esophagus, Eli panted and snatched another one, stuffing his face with another bean-and-meat-filled tortilla shell. Eli didn’t even finish eating the burrito before he grabbed a bag of Doritos and hurriedly ripped it open. He set down the burrito before he opened his mouth and tilted his head back. The Rottweiler dumped most of the chips into his mouth and started to crunch on the chips, swallowing hard once again, hoping he wouldn’t choke in the process. Afterwards he finished the burrito and snagged a can of soda. He opened it up with a loud hiss and started to chug the delicious sugary fluids in record time, sipping noisily. Eli put the can down and wiped some of the saliva dripping from his mouth when he noticed a big bowl of chili sitting next to the chips. Grinning, Eli used the Doritos left in his bag to scoop up some chili, as though it was dip. The dog moaned as his tasted buds were drowned in the meaty and cheesy flavors.
“Hey, slow down there, Eli! You weren’t the only one playing out there tonight; save some food for the rest of us!”
The Rottweiler gulped hard again before he burped. “Well, you and the other guys better eat soon, or else there ain’t gonna be much food left!”
The Beauceron standing next to Eli smirked, and pretty soon, both of them were stuffing their faces.
“See ya later, Eli! Try not to eat all the food next time!”
The Rottweiler snickered. “Try to make more food next time.”
The Beauceron drove away with three of his friends sitting in the car. The party had ended and Eli’s friend had dropped him off at his house. It was getting late; the sun had finally set and the crickets were already starting to chirp. Eli sighed heavily and walked up his home’s driveway. His parents weren’t home yet, so he had the whole place to himself. Eli approached the front door and groaned as he heard his stomach growl. The Rottweiler looked down at his now distended tummy and sighed. The dog had eaten so much food that it appeared like he had a musclegut. Eli poked the pudge a few times and listened to all the food and soda and beer sloshing around inside. The canine unlocked his front door and walked inside his house. After he shut and locked the door, Eli groaned again and headed upstairs. He planned on watching a few movies or playing one of his games, but his bloated stomach wouldn’t stop churning.
“Fuck it…I’m just gonna lie down and let my stomach settle,” he said to himself.
Eli entered his room and closed and locked his door. He took off his jacket and shirt, tossing them into the closet carelessly. Then he pulled down his jeans and boxers and headed over to his mattress. The Rottweiler climbed into bed, exhaling and lying down on his back. He rubbed his gut with one paw and listened to it churn again. Just as the dog began to close his eyes, a bright yellow light shined through his bedroom window. Eli shouted and rolled over, hoping whatever prankster would turn the light out soon. But after a minute had passed, the canine snarled and got off his bed. He stomped over to his window, opened it up, and stuck his head and upper body outside.
“HEY! TURN OFF THAT FUCKIN’ LIGHT! SOME OF US—”
He didn’t get any further. A giant mechanical claw appeared from the blinding yellow light and latched itself onto Eli. The dog yelped as he was grabbed and pressed his paws against the walls inside his house. The Rottweiler could feel himself being pulled outside; a loud whirring sound began to activate. Eli whimpered as more and more of his body was slowly dragged away. He dug his claws into the wall, hoping that whatever entity that had a hold on him would eventually give up. Suddenly, the claw jerked itself upwards, causing Eli to bash his back against the open window. He shouted and let go, and was subsequently hauled outside. Eli shouted as he was suddenly hauled into the sky, the rushing cold wind blowing across his fur. The Rottweiler glanced upwards and gasped. The metal claw had come from a spaceship, which was now quickly flying into the sky, and presumably outer space. He was being abducted by aliens. Eli screamed and jerked himself around, trying to get free. He didn’t care that he was hundreds, probably thousands of feet off the ground. Falling to his death would certainly be better than whatever these aliens had planned for him.
Another loud whirring noise was heard, followed by an odd clanking sound. The metal claw was being pulled into the spacecraft, with Eli still clutched in its grasps. The Rottweiler screamed for help just moments before the claw was fully sucked inside. Eli managed to yelp one final time before he was trapped in darkness. The claw jerked upwards and suddenly let him go, causing the dog to fly through the air. He shouted before his back collided with the roof of the spaceship. Eli grunted and fell down, tumbling and shouting as he rolled through some sort of tunnel or shaft. After a brief moment, Eli landed on the floor with a hard thud. The dog slowly began to rise and shook his head, panting. He was inside a brightly-lit corridor, and at the end of it were two very ominous gray figures. One of them growled at the other, and the two aliens began to walk towards the dog.
“What the f—”
Another alien appeared behind Eli and bashed him on the head, knocking him out.
Eli’s vision was hazy when he woke up. He barely managed to open his eyes before he drifted off again. The second time he woke up, he slowly moved his head left and right and noticed two pairs of feet walking alongside him. Two of the aliens were dragging his body across the floor. Eli could hear deep guttural voices and assumed they were talking to each other in some foreign language. The canine closed his eyes, figuring it would be best not to antagonize them. Suddenly, the aliens grunted with much effort and threw the Rottweiler on a large metal table in the middle of a room. There was a loud zap, and all the lights came on simultaneously, nearly blinding Eli. Just as the dog began to fully open his eyes, he grunted and felt something tightening around his left wrist. The alien beside him had activated a switch that locked his wrist in place with a very thick chunk of titanium. Eli heard a loud clank beside him and noticed another lock was secured around his other wrist. Not surprisingly, two more locks activated around the dog’s footpaws; these were wrapped around his Achilles tendons. The Rottweiler curiously lifted his paws and footpaws and heard a soft clink. There was no chance that these locks would budge.
As Eli’s vision cleared, he glanced around the room. His eyes grew wide; there were several aliens standing and staring at him. He seemed to be inside a nightmarish hi-tech hospital and was currently lying on an operation table. Eli couldn’t tell if the aliens were fish-like or reptilian; they seemed to be both. All of them had six eyes that were either yellow or black; their heads were long and covered in scales like some sort of dinosaur. All of them had webbed feet and hands, and some of the aliens even had long dorsal fins on their back and head. Eli also noticed that they were all surprisingly muscular (albeit not as buff as he was) and had no tails. But what was disturbing was that they were all naked. Eli immediately wiped the image of the aliens sodomizing him out his head and tried not to panic. One of the aliens—the leader, Eli guessed—walked towards the table and growled. He was a large gray alien that had fins on his head and back and menacing yellow eyes. The extraterrestrial stared at Eli’s body before blinking and extending his fingers. He touched Eli’s muscular body, making the dog shudder as his cold and moist fingers groped the canine’s chest.
The alien growled and blinked as he squeezed Eli’s chiseled abs. He stared for a moment before moving further south and feeling out the rest of the dog. The alien felt the dog’s legs and waist, but didn’t take much notice to his testicles and sheef, much to Eli’s relief. Although the dog became severely uncomfortable when the alien stared at his exposed groin for a really long time, and then grinned. The extraterrestrial moved his webbed hands around Eli again before he arrived at the dog’s head. Eli began to breathe heavily as he stared at the alien’s ugly, multi-eyed head. The alien blinked multiple times before leaning down and sniffing Eli twice. He growled in his throat and leaned down again, blinking. Suddenly, the alien opened his mouth, exposing his slobbery yellow teeth. Eli turned his head away when the alien’s repulsive breath was blown in his face. The leader of the group extended his slimy tongue, a thin wet lingua that was dark green and looked like it was split in two. Eli whimpered as the alien started to lick him, rolling his green tongue along Eli’s face and chin. And if that wasn’t already unsettling, the alien actually went as far as sticking his tongue in Eli’s left ear.
The alien growled and removed his tongue, backing away when he heard the Rottweiler’s stomach growl. The leader walked next to Eli’s now smaller stomach and rubbed the pudge. It growled again, much to the extraterrestrial’s delight. He smiled wickedly and said something in a deep and guttural voice. Some of the other aliens cheered, and a few of them even pressed their earholes against Eli’s abdomen. After some small chatter, the leader let out a gurgled cry and silenced everyone. The leader stood next to Eli’s head and looked down at him. He said something in a guttural voice, but Eli couldn’t understand it.
“Wh…what?”
The alien blinked and repeated himself, but the Rottweiler just stared at him and his six eyes. The leader snarled and repeated himself, this time louder than before.
“I-I…I don’t speak…alien, okay? Can you ask—”
The leader lowered his head and growled, his hot rank breath coming out in small puffs against Eli’s muzzle. The leader stated his question again very slowly, thinking that the Rottweiler would understand that way. But the confused canine merely shook his head.
“I’m sorry…maybe-maybe you got the wrong guy. Just…let me go and—GAH!!”
The extraterrestrial standing across from the leader, a dark red creature with black eyes, grabbed Eli by the throat. He started screaming and snarling at him, repeating the same question over and over again as he choked the dog. Eli let out several gurgled noises as he tried to speak, but the red alien simply slammed his head on the table. The leader wrenched the red alien’s arm away before snapping at him. Eli inhaled deeply and panted as he watched the two aliens bicker amongst each other. It ended when the leader slammed his left foot on the floor, the vibrations traveling all around the room. The red alien growled gutturally before swearing at the leader and backing away in a huff.
“I speak English, okay?! Do any of you understand English?!” shouted a frustrated Eli.
The leader looked at the Rottweiler and blinked. “…English?”
“YES! Just speak in English from now on!”
The gray alien scoffed. “I suppose I should have known better than to think an earthling would know our language. Now, as I was saying…what is your weakness?”
Eli raised an eyebrow. “My what?”
“Your weakness, earthling. Tell us what it is now and perhaps we’ll keep you around as our pet. I’m sure many of us would enjoy…playing with you.”
Eli began to panic once he saw that nasty grin on the leader’s face. He looked left and right, suddenly aware of how many aliens surrounded him.
“What the hell are you creatures? Why did you abduct me; what the hell’s going on?!”
“You do not need to know what we are. And as for why you’re here, well, that’s simple. We plan on destroying your planet. But in order to do that, we need to find out what the earthlings’ weaknesses are. That is where you come in. Tell us what will bring you earthlings to your knees. Surely there must be some…some poison you are vulnerable to, or some self-destruct button in your body?”
“No, of course not! We’re just walking, talking creatures like you! We don’t have any—MMPH!”
The leader covered Eli’s mouth with his left hand and sighed. He glanced over at a yellow extraterrestrial and said something in his alien language. The yellow alien nodded and pushed a button on the wall. Eli heard a loud whirring sound and looked up to see a large probe slowly descend from the ceiling.
“We shall do this the hard way then. I know you’re hiding something, earthling. And we’re going to find out what it is, one way or the other.”
The alien removed his hand. “You’re gonna anal probe me?!”
“Of course not. We have no interest in what is inside your anus. But your stomach…yes, your stomach. We all heard it gurgling earlier. I’m certain that whatever your weakness is lies buried inside there.”
Eli protested again, but it was too late. The probe whirred and descended, slowly making way towards Eli’s belly-button. The probe slowly brushed against the navel before it started to go deeper and deeper, applying much pressure on the dog’s tummy. The stomach growled again, making all the aliens smile. They were getting closer, and they knew it. As Eli’s stomach grumbled, the Rottweiler remembered all that food he ate back at the party. And now that the probe was pushing down on his gut, it seemed that all the digested food wanted to get out. Eli shut his eyes and gritted his teeth. Suddenly, a loud trumpeting sound filled the room for a few seconds. All the aliens looked around the room curiously before the yellow alien controlling the probe stopped. The leader walked up to Eli’s gut and poked his belly, but the sound still didn’t come out. He scratched his head in confusion before telling the yellow alien to continue. The probe began to whir again and plunged deeper into Eli’s navel. This time, part of it actually managed to go inside, making the dog scream in pain. But before the probe could go any further, the Rottweiler passed gas again, this time emitting an echoing, sputtering sound. The leader flared his nostrils and sniffed. Seconds later, he backed away from the dog, groaning and plugging his nose. Some of the other aliens sniffed the air and groaned too, waving a hand in front of their noses as the foul smell traveled down their nostrils. Eli couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.
“What in the name of Zorban is that stench?!”
“Uh…a fart,” said Eli meekly.
The leader coughed and waved a hand in front of his nose again. “And what is this ‘fart’ you speak of?”
“You aliens have butts; you should know! It’s perfectly natural. When you eat food, you pass gas from your anus. Sometimes that gas stinks.”
“You filthy earthlings disgust me. Do you honestly believe that passing such foul gas from your anus is natural? How could you possibly even think that?!”
“Are you telling me your race has never farted before?”
The leader seemed to be ignoring him. “…Yes, of course! It isn’t natural at all! Hehehe, I understand now, earthling. This fart of yours, it’s a defense mechanism! I should have seen it before! When you earthlings feel threatened or frightened, you…’fart’ and expel a powerful noise and unpleasant odor from your anus. If the noise doesn’t scare off the predators, the foul stench surely will!”
“I…what?! That’s not how a fart works!”
The leader scoffed. “No matter…I’ve dealt with quite a few animals like you on my home planet. No amount of stinky gas is going to save you. Sooner or later, we will find your weakness!”
The leader barked at the yellow alien controlling the probe, and the thin instrument began to descend once more. Eli groaned and tried not to panic as the probe plunged deep into his belly-button. Some of the aliens could see all the dirt and lint trapped inside with the camera posted on the end of the probe transmitting the images onto a large screen. The probe continued to go further, but it applied more pressure on the dog’s stomach, and Eli’s bowels began to burn. He could feel the hot gas brewing in his colon and realized he had to let it out to get rid of some pain. The dog grunted and let out a couple of short, squeaky farts, which made some of the aliens scowl. The probe made a deep sucking sound and instantly went further into the dog’s navel. Eli shouted before he ripped another humongous fart, a deep-toned sputtering noise that echoed across the room. The leader plugged his nose again, but he instructed the yellow alien to continue. The dog gritted his teeth as another fierce gas bubble burst out of his anus, vibrating against his tailhole and creating another sputtering noise. After he finished, Eli released a voluminous fart that was so squeaky it sounded like helium coming out of a balloon very slowly. Many of the aliens backed away from the table entirely, coughing and muttering disgusting things about the dog.
But the lead extraterrestrial wasn’t going to give up so easily. He shouted for the yellow creature to keep going, although now he was quite hesitant. The yellow alien waited and listened as the dog exhaled and calmly let out a long fart that was so boisterous it sounded like it came from a feral horse. Two aliens ran up to the table and assumed that by crushing Eli’s stomach, they would destroy his weakness. A green extraterrestrial stood next to Eli and placed his hands on his stomach, while another one put his head on the table, getting a good view of Eli’s groin and part of his rump, thinking whatever entity inside Eli would eventually fly out his posterior. The green alien looked at the one with his head on the table and nodded. The leader began to protest, but it was too late. The green alien pushed down on Eli’s stomach with full force. The Rottweiler shouted, and subsequently wound up breaking wind due to all the flatulence being forced out his rump. The fart wasn’t long, but it was very cacophonous and ended on a disgusting wet tone. The alien with his head near Eli’s crotch and anus was blasted with full force. He actually felt the hot gas being blown in his face and shouted with disgust. The two aliens backed away and fell down, coughing and choking on the fetid stench. In fact, everyone in the room wound up falling to their knees as the noxious fumes filled the room. All the aliens could smell was rotten eggs, and digested chili and burritos.
Amazingly, Eli wasn’t doing any of this on purpose. He was actually trying to hold some of it in because he felt like he was about to void his bowels all over the table. But luckily for him, it was all just flatus. The leader stopped coughing long enough to stand up and bark another order at the yellow alien. Much to Eli’s surprise, the probe in his stomach began to come out. Once it exited his belly-button with a faint pop, Eli sighed with relief, thinking that the aliens would let him go. But this was only the start of his torture. Two very large aliens—one black and one orange—stepped beside Eli with two swollen lumps on their chests. The leader coughed before telling them both something in his alien language. Suddenly, the lump on the black alien’s chest began to quiver. Eli gasped as the lump opened up and revealed a slimy purplish tentacle with a needle-sharp tip at the end. The Rottweiler heard another squish and turned to see the same kind of tentacle ooze out of the orange alien’s chest. The dog gulped, believing they were about to suck all the blood from his body. The leader muttered something in his alien language before the black alien growled and the tentacle slowly began to descend. Just like the probe, the needle-pointed tentacle went right for the navel, and the tip poked right through.
The sharp prick caused Eli to shout again. It also caused him to pass gas abruptly. Fortunately for the aliens, the flatus didn’t stink. The black alien stopped after hearing the outburst, but the leader told him to continue. The extraterrestrial shrugged, and the needle plunged deeper into the navel. Eli whimpered and gritted his teeth as the pain intensified. He had no idea how far the needle was going, but he could tell that his navel must’ve been bleeding. But once again, the canine’s ass saved him, and he wound up releasing three short farts back to back. The black alien paused, but moments later, Eli let out a chunky fart that rumbled and echoed throughout the room. Another thick wave of putrid flatulence filled the air; the black alien removed his tentacle so he could cough. The leader wouldn’t back down. He roared at the two buff aliens to continue and ignore all the raunchy gas. Both of them nodded with plugged noses, and Eli screamed when he saw the aliens lift their tentacles high into the air. Both of them plunged deep into his naval, puncturing it and causing the dog to shriek. While the aliens continued to poke at the Rottweiler, the dog kept farting uncontrollably. He let out another vicious fart that resonated off the walls and began to heat up the room. Before the aliens could even groan, the dog shouted and hot flatus soared out of his anus.
The leader kept his nose plugged and stood far away from the flatulent dog. The two aliens with tentacles plunged the slimy appendages deeper into the canine. He released another burst of flatulence, a strident but short amount of fetid fumes. They plunged even deeper into the navel, causing Eli to scream and push out more foul-smelling gas. More aliens began to drop to the floor, suffocating in the room which was gradually becoming a toxic gas chamber. The aliens stuck their tentacles further in, almost to the point where the needles couldn’t be seen. Eli shut his eyes and felt spicy gas soaring through his anus. He wound up pushing all of it out with a deep and grotesque-sounding sputtering noise. The aliens poking him stood still for a moment, listening as the stinky gas slowly filled the room; the noises kept echoing and filling their ears with an unpleasant sound. Eventually, the rank stench of hydrogen-sulfide got to the aliens. They quickly removed their tentacles and stepped away, retching and coughing from the thick fumes. The leader was about to bark more orders at them, but the aliens shook their heads, and quickly exited the smelly room. The leader roared with frustration and shoved the yellow alien to the floor. He began to activate more dastardly controls inside the room, and Eli saw a hollow-tube descend from the ceiling. The leader flipped a switch, and Eli gasped when he heard an earsplitting suction sound. It was some sort of vacuum tube.
The lead extraterrestrial naturally guided the tube over to Eli’s navel. The Rottweiler grunted and tried to move as the powerful tube began to suck the dirt and lint from his belly-button with great force. But at this point, any amount of stress on Eli’s stomach would make him pass gas, even this suction tube. The dog curled his toes as a juvenile trumpeting sound left his anus. A few more aliens couldn’t take the stench anymore and stomped out the room, believing that Eli wouldn’t stop. But the leader was too ambitious to cease the torturing; he flipped another switch, and an even tinier tube inside the tube descended from the ceiling. The suction sound was much more high-pitched this time around. The thinner tube pressed against Eli’s navel, sucking out the lint with even more force than before. The canine shut his eyes and whimpered as more spicy gas brewed in his stomach. The Rottweiler passed gas twice, each outburst sounding like a tuba. It was also accompanied with the foul odor of baked beans and sulfur. The leader covered his earholes and screamed with frustration, as though he were saying “MAKE IT STOP!” But no matter what the alien did, he couldn’t stop Eli’s uncontrollable flatulence. Even with his ears plugged, he could hear the dreaded trumpeting filling the room. The leader didn’t even bother waving a hand in front of his face or plugging his nose. It’d do no good. The canine had been farting so much that even the aliens stank of his malodorous intestinal gases.
With no other option, the leader pounded a fist on the machine in front of him. Eli stopped screaming when the suction tube stopped sucking on his navel and began to rise. The Rottweiler looked around the room and was surprised at all the damage he caused. All the aliens were either on the floor coughing or retching, or they were busy plugging their noses and trying to get rid of the odor. Some of them even ran out the room. The lead extraterrestrial panted heavily as he dragged his feet across the floor, exhausted and humiliated with defeat. He stood next to the buff canine and began to laugh wheezily.
“I…I get it now. You…you earthlings are such clever beasts! This farting…it isn’t some natural defense! It’s a weapon! This whole time, you’ve been lying there on the table, pretending to be scared, when you were really waiting for the right time to strike!”
Eli huffed, tired of the alien mistaking his gas for a weapon. “No, I wasn’t. I just ate too much spicy food—”
“LIES! FILTHY, DISGUSTING LIES! You are the most repulsive and despicable creature I’ve ever met!”
“But all I did—”
“Wait…how many of you earthlings are on your home planet?”
“…I dunno, about seven billion?”
All six of the leader’s eyes grew wide. One of the eyes twitched, and the leader let out a couple of maniacal giggles.
“You know what? You can have your stinking planet! There’s no way we’ll survive with seven billion of you earthlings using these powerful, albeit foul-smelling farts as weapons against us! We do not even want to destroy your planet if it means exposing ourselves to these toxic gases! You earthlings can wallow around in your own farts until you suffocate for all we care!”
“…So you won’t destroy our planet, or abduct anyone else?”
“NO! We’re staying far away from your smelly planet, and especially you! I don’t ever want to see your putrid face for the rest of my life!”
The leader jerked his head to the left and barked another order to one of the burly aliens. Before Eli could ask another question, the alien walked over to the Rottweiler and bashed him on the head, knocking him out.
Eli woke up just when he noticed he was being held in the spaceship claw’s clutches. Only this time, he was hovering right outside his bedroom window. The claw jerked itself backwards before flinging the dog through the window. Eli yelped as he came crashing inside his room, knocking over a few things with lots of intense clattering. The burly dog moaned just as the yellow lights outside his room disappeared. The spaceship left earth in quite a hurry; the aliens hoped that none of them would stumble upon another flatulent earthling. The canine rolled over and sat up on the floor, grabbing his head. There was a small lump from where he had been hit twice, and his belly-button was still sore. But otherwise, the dog felt fine. Most of the gas in his colon was gone too. Eli sighed heavily and shook his head, trying to erase everything that just happened from his mind. Suddenly, someone opened up his room door; whoever it was must’ve heard the loud clatter when Eli was thrown back into his room. Eli’s eyes grew wide when he saw two tall Rottweilers step inside, looking rather agitated. They were his parents.
“Thank God you’re all right. Where have you been all night?!” asked Eli’s mother.
“Didn’t we tell you to be home no later than ten? It’s past one o’clock in the morning! We were just about to call the police and send a search party out to find you!”
Eli blinked. “I got drunk and passed out and my friends thought it would be funny to dump me in the middle of nowhere naked.”
Eli’s parents were surprised at how quickly their son told them the “truth.” Eli knew he couldn’t tell them about the aliens. He had no proof, and even if he did, they probably wouldn’t believe him anyways.
“Oh…well, uh, thank you for being honest with us,” said Eli’s mother.
“You’re still grounded though. Don’t expect to hang out with your friends or go see any movies or go out on any dates for the next month,” said Eli’s father.
“Mkay.”
Eli’s parents stared at their son, still surprised at how nonchalant he was being. But after a brief awkward silence, they closed Eli’s door and left him alone. The football player turned around and threw himself face-down on his mattress and closed his eyes. He just saved the entire world using nothing but his farts as a “weapon.” And yet no one would ever know except for him.
Everyone at the party cheered after making the toast and started to drink from their beer bottles. All the canines had a right to be celebrating, given that they just won their high school’s final and biggest football game for the entire year. Of those canines was a muscular Rottweiler named Eli, who was responsible for scoring the winning touching down at the very last second. All the players on his team huddled around Eli, chanting his name, giving him noogies, patting him on the back, etc. Everyone on the team put all their effort into the game, but it was Eli who prevented the team from losing. Right now the eighteen-year-old dog was leaning against the snack table, wearing jeans and a jacket with his school’s name written on the back. Despite all the praise the canine was getting, the only thing on Eli’s mind was food. Playing so fiercely that night had tired him out; even now as he leaned against a table he could hear his stomach growling. Eli put down his bottle of beer and turned around, looking at all the delicious food. The Rottweiler didn’t even bother to see what kind of food was being served on the party table. He just grabbed the first thing he saw and started eating.
The Rottweiler started to noisily chow down on a very large bean burrito, only stopping when his mouth was too full to take any more in. He chewed with his mouth open and swallowed hard before the dog continued to consume the burrito. Once it was down his esophagus, Eli panted and snatched another one, stuffing his face with another bean-and-meat-filled tortilla shell. Eli didn’t even finish eating the burrito before he grabbed a bag of Doritos and hurriedly ripped it open. He set down the burrito before he opened his mouth and tilted his head back. The Rottweiler dumped most of the chips into his mouth and started to crunch on the chips, swallowing hard once again, hoping he wouldn’t choke in the process. Afterwards he finished the burrito and snagged a can of soda. He opened it up with a loud hiss and started to chug the delicious sugary fluids in record time, sipping noisily. Eli put the can down and wiped some of the saliva dripping from his mouth when he noticed a big bowl of chili sitting next to the chips. Grinning, Eli used the Doritos left in his bag to scoop up some chili, as though it was dip. The dog moaned as his tasted buds were drowned in the meaty and cheesy flavors.
“Hey, slow down there, Eli! You weren’t the only one playing out there tonight; save some food for the rest of us!”
The Rottweiler gulped hard again before he burped. “Well, you and the other guys better eat soon, or else there ain’t gonna be much food left!”
The Beauceron standing next to Eli smirked, and pretty soon, both of them were stuffing their faces.
“See ya later, Eli! Try not to eat all the food next time!”
The Rottweiler snickered. “Try to make more food next time.”
The Beauceron drove away with three of his friends sitting in the car. The party had ended and Eli’s friend had dropped him off at his house. It was getting late; the sun had finally set and the crickets were already starting to chirp. Eli sighed heavily and walked up his home’s driveway. His parents weren’t home yet, so he had the whole place to himself. Eli approached the front door and groaned as he heard his stomach growl. The Rottweiler looked down at his now distended tummy and sighed. The dog had eaten so much food that it appeared like he had a musclegut. Eli poked the pudge a few times and listened to all the food and soda and beer sloshing around inside. The canine unlocked his front door and walked inside his house. After he shut and locked the door, Eli groaned again and headed upstairs. He planned on watching a few movies or playing one of his games, but his bloated stomach wouldn’t stop churning.
“Fuck it…I’m just gonna lie down and let my stomach settle,” he said to himself.
Eli entered his room and closed and locked his door. He took off his jacket and shirt, tossing them into the closet carelessly. Then he pulled down his jeans and boxers and headed over to his mattress. The Rottweiler climbed into bed, exhaling and lying down on his back. He rubbed his gut with one paw and listened to it churn again. Just as the dog began to close his eyes, a bright yellow light shined through his bedroom window. Eli shouted and rolled over, hoping whatever prankster would turn the light out soon. But after a minute had passed, the canine snarled and got off his bed. He stomped over to his window, opened it up, and stuck his head and upper body outside.
“HEY! TURN OFF THAT FUCKIN’ LIGHT! SOME OF US—”
He didn’t get any further. A giant mechanical claw appeared from the blinding yellow light and latched itself onto Eli. The dog yelped as he was grabbed and pressed his paws against the walls inside his house. The Rottweiler could feel himself being pulled outside; a loud whirring sound began to activate. Eli whimpered as more and more of his body was slowly dragged away. He dug his claws into the wall, hoping that whatever entity that had a hold on him would eventually give up. Suddenly, the claw jerked itself upwards, causing Eli to bash his back against the open window. He shouted and let go, and was subsequently hauled outside. Eli shouted as he was suddenly hauled into the sky, the rushing cold wind blowing across his fur. The Rottweiler glanced upwards and gasped. The metal claw had come from a spaceship, which was now quickly flying into the sky, and presumably outer space. He was being abducted by aliens. Eli screamed and jerked himself around, trying to get free. He didn’t care that he was hundreds, probably thousands of feet off the ground. Falling to his death would certainly be better than whatever these aliens had planned for him.
Another loud whirring noise was heard, followed by an odd clanking sound. The metal claw was being pulled into the spacecraft, with Eli still clutched in its grasps. The Rottweiler screamed for help just moments before the claw was fully sucked inside. Eli managed to yelp one final time before he was trapped in darkness. The claw jerked upwards and suddenly let him go, causing the dog to fly through the air. He shouted before his back collided with the roof of the spaceship. Eli grunted and fell down, tumbling and shouting as he rolled through some sort of tunnel or shaft. After a brief moment, Eli landed on the floor with a hard thud. The dog slowly began to rise and shook his head, panting. He was inside a brightly-lit corridor, and at the end of it were two very ominous gray figures. One of them growled at the other, and the two aliens began to walk towards the dog.
“What the f—”
Another alien appeared behind Eli and bashed him on the head, knocking him out.
Eli’s vision was hazy when he woke up. He barely managed to open his eyes before he drifted off again. The second time he woke up, he slowly moved his head left and right and noticed two pairs of feet walking alongside him. Two of the aliens were dragging his body across the floor. Eli could hear deep guttural voices and assumed they were talking to each other in some foreign language. The canine closed his eyes, figuring it would be best not to antagonize them. Suddenly, the aliens grunted with much effort and threw the Rottweiler on a large metal table in the middle of a room. There was a loud zap, and all the lights came on simultaneously, nearly blinding Eli. Just as the dog began to fully open his eyes, he grunted and felt something tightening around his left wrist. The alien beside him had activated a switch that locked his wrist in place with a very thick chunk of titanium. Eli heard a loud clank beside him and noticed another lock was secured around his other wrist. Not surprisingly, two more locks activated around the dog’s footpaws; these were wrapped around his Achilles tendons. The Rottweiler curiously lifted his paws and footpaws and heard a soft clink. There was no chance that these locks would budge.
As Eli’s vision cleared, he glanced around the room. His eyes grew wide; there were several aliens standing and staring at him. He seemed to be inside a nightmarish hi-tech hospital and was currently lying on an operation table. Eli couldn’t tell if the aliens were fish-like or reptilian; they seemed to be both. All of them had six eyes that were either yellow or black; their heads were long and covered in scales like some sort of dinosaur. All of them had webbed feet and hands, and some of the aliens even had long dorsal fins on their back and head. Eli also noticed that they were all surprisingly muscular (albeit not as buff as he was) and had no tails. But what was disturbing was that they were all naked. Eli immediately wiped the image of the aliens sodomizing him out his head and tried not to panic. One of the aliens—the leader, Eli guessed—walked towards the table and growled. He was a large gray alien that had fins on his head and back and menacing yellow eyes. The extraterrestrial stared at Eli’s body before blinking and extending his fingers. He touched Eli’s muscular body, making the dog shudder as his cold and moist fingers groped the canine’s chest.
The alien growled and blinked as he squeezed Eli’s chiseled abs. He stared for a moment before moving further south and feeling out the rest of the dog. The alien felt the dog’s legs and waist, but didn’t take much notice to his testicles and sheef, much to Eli’s relief. Although the dog became severely uncomfortable when the alien stared at his exposed groin for a really long time, and then grinned. The extraterrestrial moved his webbed hands around Eli again before he arrived at the dog’s head. Eli began to breathe heavily as he stared at the alien’s ugly, multi-eyed head. The alien blinked multiple times before leaning down and sniffing Eli twice. He growled in his throat and leaned down again, blinking. Suddenly, the alien opened his mouth, exposing his slobbery yellow teeth. Eli turned his head away when the alien’s repulsive breath was blown in his face. The leader of the group extended his slimy tongue, a thin wet lingua that was dark green and looked like it was split in two. Eli whimpered as the alien started to lick him, rolling his green tongue along Eli’s face and chin. And if that wasn’t already unsettling, the alien actually went as far as sticking his tongue in Eli’s left ear.
The alien growled and removed his tongue, backing away when he heard the Rottweiler’s stomach growl. The leader walked next to Eli’s now smaller stomach and rubbed the pudge. It growled again, much to the extraterrestrial’s delight. He smiled wickedly and said something in a deep and guttural voice. Some of the other aliens cheered, and a few of them even pressed their earholes against Eli’s abdomen. After some small chatter, the leader let out a gurgled cry and silenced everyone. The leader stood next to Eli’s head and looked down at him. He said something in a guttural voice, but Eli couldn’t understand it.
“Wh…what?”
The alien blinked and repeated himself, but the Rottweiler just stared at him and his six eyes. The leader snarled and repeated himself, this time louder than before.
“I-I…I don’t speak…alien, okay? Can you ask—”
The leader lowered his head and growled, his hot rank breath coming out in small puffs against Eli’s muzzle. The leader stated his question again very slowly, thinking that the Rottweiler would understand that way. But the confused canine merely shook his head.
“I’m sorry…maybe-maybe you got the wrong guy. Just…let me go and—GAH!!”
The extraterrestrial standing across from the leader, a dark red creature with black eyes, grabbed Eli by the throat. He started screaming and snarling at him, repeating the same question over and over again as he choked the dog. Eli let out several gurgled noises as he tried to speak, but the red alien simply slammed his head on the table. The leader wrenched the red alien’s arm away before snapping at him. Eli inhaled deeply and panted as he watched the two aliens bicker amongst each other. It ended when the leader slammed his left foot on the floor, the vibrations traveling all around the room. The red alien growled gutturally before swearing at the leader and backing away in a huff.
“I speak English, okay?! Do any of you understand English?!” shouted a frustrated Eli.
The leader looked at the Rottweiler and blinked. “…English?”
“YES! Just speak in English from now on!”
The gray alien scoffed. “I suppose I should have known better than to think an earthling would know our language. Now, as I was saying…what is your weakness?”
Eli raised an eyebrow. “My what?”
“Your weakness, earthling. Tell us what it is now and perhaps we’ll keep you around as our pet. I’m sure many of us would enjoy…playing with you.”
Eli began to panic once he saw that nasty grin on the leader’s face. He looked left and right, suddenly aware of how many aliens surrounded him.
“What the hell are you creatures? Why did you abduct me; what the hell’s going on?!”
“You do not need to know what we are. And as for why you’re here, well, that’s simple. We plan on destroying your planet. But in order to do that, we need to find out what the earthlings’ weaknesses are. That is where you come in. Tell us what will bring you earthlings to your knees. Surely there must be some…some poison you are vulnerable to, or some self-destruct button in your body?”
“No, of course not! We’re just walking, talking creatures like you! We don’t have any—MMPH!”
The leader covered Eli’s mouth with his left hand and sighed. He glanced over at a yellow extraterrestrial and said something in his alien language. The yellow alien nodded and pushed a button on the wall. Eli heard a loud whirring sound and looked up to see a large probe slowly descend from the ceiling.
“We shall do this the hard way then. I know you’re hiding something, earthling. And we’re going to find out what it is, one way or the other.”
The alien removed his hand. “You’re gonna anal probe me?!”
“Of course not. We have no interest in what is inside your anus. But your stomach…yes, your stomach. We all heard it gurgling earlier. I’m certain that whatever your weakness is lies buried inside there.”
Eli protested again, but it was too late. The probe whirred and descended, slowly making way towards Eli’s belly-button. The probe slowly brushed against the navel before it started to go deeper and deeper, applying much pressure on the dog’s tummy. The stomach growled again, making all the aliens smile. They were getting closer, and they knew it. As Eli’s stomach grumbled, the Rottweiler remembered all that food he ate back at the party. And now that the probe was pushing down on his gut, it seemed that all the digested food wanted to get out. Eli shut his eyes and gritted his teeth. Suddenly, a loud trumpeting sound filled the room for a few seconds. All the aliens looked around the room curiously before the yellow alien controlling the probe stopped. The leader walked up to Eli’s gut and poked his belly, but the sound still didn’t come out. He scratched his head in confusion before telling the yellow alien to continue. The probe began to whir again and plunged deeper into Eli’s navel. This time, part of it actually managed to go inside, making the dog scream in pain. But before the probe could go any further, the Rottweiler passed gas again, this time emitting an echoing, sputtering sound. The leader flared his nostrils and sniffed. Seconds later, he backed away from the dog, groaning and plugging his nose. Some of the other aliens sniffed the air and groaned too, waving a hand in front of their noses as the foul smell traveled down their nostrils. Eli couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.
“What in the name of Zorban is that stench?!”
“Uh…a fart,” said Eli meekly.
The leader coughed and waved a hand in front of his nose again. “And what is this ‘fart’ you speak of?”
“You aliens have butts; you should know! It’s perfectly natural. When you eat food, you pass gas from your anus. Sometimes that gas stinks.”
“You filthy earthlings disgust me. Do you honestly believe that passing such foul gas from your anus is natural? How could you possibly even think that?!”
“Are you telling me your race has never farted before?”
The leader seemed to be ignoring him. “…Yes, of course! It isn’t natural at all! Hehehe, I understand now, earthling. This fart of yours, it’s a defense mechanism! I should have seen it before! When you earthlings feel threatened or frightened, you…’fart’ and expel a powerful noise and unpleasant odor from your anus. If the noise doesn’t scare off the predators, the foul stench surely will!”
“I…what?! That’s not how a fart works!”
The leader scoffed. “No matter…I’ve dealt with quite a few animals like you on my home planet. No amount of stinky gas is going to save you. Sooner or later, we will find your weakness!”
The leader barked at the yellow alien controlling the probe, and the thin instrument began to descend once more. Eli groaned and tried not to panic as the probe plunged deep into his belly-button. Some of the aliens could see all the dirt and lint trapped inside with the camera posted on the end of the probe transmitting the images onto a large screen. The probe continued to go further, but it applied more pressure on the dog’s stomach, and Eli’s bowels began to burn. He could feel the hot gas brewing in his colon and realized he had to let it out to get rid of some pain. The dog grunted and let out a couple of short, squeaky farts, which made some of the aliens scowl. The probe made a deep sucking sound and instantly went further into the dog’s navel. Eli shouted before he ripped another humongous fart, a deep-toned sputtering noise that echoed across the room. The leader plugged his nose again, but he instructed the yellow alien to continue. The dog gritted his teeth as another fierce gas bubble burst out of his anus, vibrating against his tailhole and creating another sputtering noise. After he finished, Eli released a voluminous fart that was so squeaky it sounded like helium coming out of a balloon very slowly. Many of the aliens backed away from the table entirely, coughing and muttering disgusting things about the dog.
But the lead extraterrestrial wasn’t going to give up so easily. He shouted for the yellow creature to keep going, although now he was quite hesitant. The yellow alien waited and listened as the dog exhaled and calmly let out a long fart that was so boisterous it sounded like it came from a feral horse. Two aliens ran up to the table and assumed that by crushing Eli’s stomach, they would destroy his weakness. A green extraterrestrial stood next to Eli and placed his hands on his stomach, while another one put his head on the table, getting a good view of Eli’s groin and part of his rump, thinking whatever entity inside Eli would eventually fly out his posterior. The green alien looked at the one with his head on the table and nodded. The leader began to protest, but it was too late. The green alien pushed down on Eli’s stomach with full force. The Rottweiler shouted, and subsequently wound up breaking wind due to all the flatulence being forced out his rump. The fart wasn’t long, but it was very cacophonous and ended on a disgusting wet tone. The alien with his head near Eli’s crotch and anus was blasted with full force. He actually felt the hot gas being blown in his face and shouted with disgust. The two aliens backed away and fell down, coughing and choking on the fetid stench. In fact, everyone in the room wound up falling to their knees as the noxious fumes filled the room. All the aliens could smell was rotten eggs, and digested chili and burritos.
Amazingly, Eli wasn’t doing any of this on purpose. He was actually trying to hold some of it in because he felt like he was about to void his bowels all over the table. But luckily for him, it was all just flatus. The leader stopped coughing long enough to stand up and bark another order at the yellow alien. Much to Eli’s surprise, the probe in his stomach began to come out. Once it exited his belly-button with a faint pop, Eli sighed with relief, thinking that the aliens would let him go. But this was only the start of his torture. Two very large aliens—one black and one orange—stepped beside Eli with two swollen lumps on their chests. The leader coughed before telling them both something in his alien language. Suddenly, the lump on the black alien’s chest began to quiver. Eli gasped as the lump opened up and revealed a slimy purplish tentacle with a needle-sharp tip at the end. The Rottweiler heard another squish and turned to see the same kind of tentacle ooze out of the orange alien’s chest. The dog gulped, believing they were about to suck all the blood from his body. The leader muttered something in his alien language before the black alien growled and the tentacle slowly began to descend. Just like the probe, the needle-pointed tentacle went right for the navel, and the tip poked right through.
The sharp prick caused Eli to shout again. It also caused him to pass gas abruptly. Fortunately for the aliens, the flatus didn’t stink. The black alien stopped after hearing the outburst, but the leader told him to continue. The extraterrestrial shrugged, and the needle plunged deeper into the navel. Eli whimpered and gritted his teeth as the pain intensified. He had no idea how far the needle was going, but he could tell that his navel must’ve been bleeding. But once again, the canine’s ass saved him, and he wound up releasing three short farts back to back. The black alien paused, but moments later, Eli let out a chunky fart that rumbled and echoed throughout the room. Another thick wave of putrid flatulence filled the air; the black alien removed his tentacle so he could cough. The leader wouldn’t back down. He roared at the two buff aliens to continue and ignore all the raunchy gas. Both of them nodded with plugged noses, and Eli screamed when he saw the aliens lift their tentacles high into the air. Both of them plunged deep into his naval, puncturing it and causing the dog to shriek. While the aliens continued to poke at the Rottweiler, the dog kept farting uncontrollably. He let out another vicious fart that resonated off the walls and began to heat up the room. Before the aliens could even groan, the dog shouted and hot flatus soared out of his anus.
The leader kept his nose plugged and stood far away from the flatulent dog. The two aliens with tentacles plunged the slimy appendages deeper into the canine. He released another burst of flatulence, a strident but short amount of fetid fumes. They plunged even deeper into the navel, causing Eli to scream and push out more foul-smelling gas. More aliens began to drop to the floor, suffocating in the room which was gradually becoming a toxic gas chamber. The aliens stuck their tentacles further in, almost to the point where the needles couldn’t be seen. Eli shut his eyes and felt spicy gas soaring through his anus. He wound up pushing all of it out with a deep and grotesque-sounding sputtering noise. The aliens poking him stood still for a moment, listening as the stinky gas slowly filled the room; the noises kept echoing and filling their ears with an unpleasant sound. Eventually, the rank stench of hydrogen-sulfide got to the aliens. They quickly removed their tentacles and stepped away, retching and coughing from the thick fumes. The leader was about to bark more orders at them, but the aliens shook their heads, and quickly exited the smelly room. The leader roared with frustration and shoved the yellow alien to the floor. He began to activate more dastardly controls inside the room, and Eli saw a hollow-tube descend from the ceiling. The leader flipped a switch, and Eli gasped when he heard an earsplitting suction sound. It was some sort of vacuum tube.
The lead extraterrestrial naturally guided the tube over to Eli’s navel. The Rottweiler grunted and tried to move as the powerful tube began to suck the dirt and lint from his belly-button with great force. But at this point, any amount of stress on Eli’s stomach would make him pass gas, even this suction tube. The dog curled his toes as a juvenile trumpeting sound left his anus. A few more aliens couldn’t take the stench anymore and stomped out the room, believing that Eli wouldn’t stop. But the leader was too ambitious to cease the torturing; he flipped another switch, and an even tinier tube inside the tube descended from the ceiling. The suction sound was much more high-pitched this time around. The thinner tube pressed against Eli’s navel, sucking out the lint with even more force than before. The canine shut his eyes and whimpered as more spicy gas brewed in his stomach. The Rottweiler passed gas twice, each outburst sounding like a tuba. It was also accompanied with the foul odor of baked beans and sulfur. The leader covered his earholes and screamed with frustration, as though he were saying “MAKE IT STOP!” But no matter what the alien did, he couldn’t stop Eli’s uncontrollable flatulence. Even with his ears plugged, he could hear the dreaded trumpeting filling the room. The leader didn’t even bother waving a hand in front of his face or plugging his nose. It’d do no good. The canine had been farting so much that even the aliens stank of his malodorous intestinal gases.
With no other option, the leader pounded a fist on the machine in front of him. Eli stopped screaming when the suction tube stopped sucking on his navel and began to rise. The Rottweiler looked around the room and was surprised at all the damage he caused. All the aliens were either on the floor coughing or retching, or they were busy plugging their noses and trying to get rid of the odor. Some of them even ran out the room. The lead extraterrestrial panted heavily as he dragged his feet across the floor, exhausted and humiliated with defeat. He stood next to the buff canine and began to laugh wheezily.
“I…I get it now. You…you earthlings are such clever beasts! This farting…it isn’t some natural defense! It’s a weapon! This whole time, you’ve been lying there on the table, pretending to be scared, when you were really waiting for the right time to strike!”
Eli huffed, tired of the alien mistaking his gas for a weapon. “No, I wasn’t. I just ate too much spicy food—”
“LIES! FILTHY, DISGUSTING LIES! You are the most repulsive and despicable creature I’ve ever met!”
“But all I did—”
“Wait…how many of you earthlings are on your home planet?”
“…I dunno, about seven billion?”
All six of the leader’s eyes grew wide. One of the eyes twitched, and the leader let out a couple of maniacal giggles.
“You know what? You can have your stinking planet! There’s no way we’ll survive with seven billion of you earthlings using these powerful, albeit foul-smelling farts as weapons against us! We do not even want to destroy your planet if it means exposing ourselves to these toxic gases! You earthlings can wallow around in your own farts until you suffocate for all we care!”
“…So you won’t destroy our planet, or abduct anyone else?”
“NO! We’re staying far away from your smelly planet, and especially you! I don’t ever want to see your putrid face for the rest of my life!”
The leader jerked his head to the left and barked another order to one of the burly aliens. Before Eli could ask another question, the alien walked over to the Rottweiler and bashed him on the head, knocking him out.
Eli woke up just when he noticed he was being held in the spaceship claw’s clutches. Only this time, he was hovering right outside his bedroom window. The claw jerked itself backwards before flinging the dog through the window. Eli yelped as he came crashing inside his room, knocking over a few things with lots of intense clattering. The burly dog moaned just as the yellow lights outside his room disappeared. The spaceship left earth in quite a hurry; the aliens hoped that none of them would stumble upon another flatulent earthling. The canine rolled over and sat up on the floor, grabbing his head. There was a small lump from where he had been hit twice, and his belly-button was still sore. But otherwise, the dog felt fine. Most of the gas in his colon was gone too. Eli sighed heavily and shook his head, trying to erase everything that just happened from his mind. Suddenly, someone opened up his room door; whoever it was must’ve heard the loud clatter when Eli was thrown back into his room. Eli’s eyes grew wide when he saw two tall Rottweilers step inside, looking rather agitated. They were his parents.
“Thank God you’re all right. Where have you been all night?!” asked Eli’s mother.
“Didn’t we tell you to be home no later than ten? It’s past one o’clock in the morning! We were just about to call the police and send a search party out to find you!”
Eli blinked. “I got drunk and passed out and my friends thought it would be funny to dump me in the middle of nowhere naked.”
Eli’s parents were surprised at how quickly their son told them the “truth.” Eli knew he couldn’t tell them about the aliens. He had no proof, and even if he did, they probably wouldn’t believe him anyways.
“Oh…well, uh, thank you for being honest with us,” said Eli’s mother.
“You’re still grounded though. Don’t expect to hang out with your friends or go see any movies or go out on any dates for the next month,” said Eli’s father.
“Mkay.”
Eli’s parents stared at their son, still surprised at how nonchalant he was being. But after a brief awkward silence, they closed Eli’s door and left him alone. The football player turned around and threw himself face-down on his mattress and closed his eyes. He just saved the entire world using nothing but his farts as a “weapon.” And yet no one would ever know except for him.
Category Story / Fetish Other
Species Canine (Other)
Size 120 x 88px
File Size 61 kB
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