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“Torn would fit right in with a Tums ad. Is your favorite food fighting back? :D” - 
And right here is my first product of my multiple stream sessions as of late! :D I gotta thank the regulars that stopped by, including Tak,
and Gandalf. You guys make it fun <3I got the idea from the average werewolf story you hear about, guy wanders through the woods or is on his way home and gets RRRR EATEN BY A WEREWOLF. Wanted to turn that concept on its head :v
Also, yes, I don't like Toyotas :B
Lemme know if you guys liked it! Feels good to be creating stuff <3
<<< PREV | FIRST | NEXT >>>
Edits by the ever-wonderful
, Tak, Renard and Gandalf.Torn and Ethan are © to me.
If you guys want to join in on my streams, keep an eye on my Twitter account! :3
Category Story / Miscellaneous
Species Wolf
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 24.4 kB
Listed in Folders
Well, the opening jammed a lot of pointless information in for no conceivable reason. Given the limited roles of the characters, and how short it was, why we needed to know anything in depth about them is lost on me.
And the fight scene was so over the top and one sided it managed to completely bore the shit out of me.
And the fight scene was so over the top and one sided it managed to completely bore the shit out of me.
Ouchhh. Hurt my feelings bro.
I gave those details to build tension up to where we find out that Ethan's a werewolf, and because without the details, it'd just be a straight up fight story, which isn't what I wanted to write. I also set up these details to be further elaborated upon in later segments, should I choose to write them.
And I enjoyed writing the fight, so I'm sorry you didn't like it. Thanks for the read anyway! :D
I gave those details to build tension up to where we find out that Ethan's a werewolf, and because without the details, it'd just be a straight up fight story, which isn't what I wanted to write. I also set up these details to be further elaborated upon in later segments, should I choose to write them.
And I enjoyed writing the fight, so I'm sorry you didn't like it. Thanks for the read anyway! :D
A lot of the problem is most of the crap could have simply been left as inferred. In order to know Torn had done this kind of attack before, all we really had to know was what happened. The way he goes about his ambush shows he's done it before, we didn't need to have it spelled out beforehand.
And Ethan, him having a girlfriend didn't need to be said by him reminising about it for no apparent reason, he says straight out that his suit was a gift from his girlfriend, who will be pissed. Everything we were told beforehand becomes irrelevant since we would have found out anyway.
It's one of the cardinal rules of writing, show don't tell. You can only tell the audience something when you can't imagine a way to inform them otherwise. As it stands it's just padding.
As for the fight, boring invincible hero kicks the shit out of a villain so pathetic, even knowing he's a heartless bastard I still feel sorry for him.
And Ethan, him having a girlfriend didn't need to be said by him reminising about it for no apparent reason, he says straight out that his suit was a gift from his girlfriend, who will be pissed. Everything we were told beforehand becomes irrelevant since we would have found out anyway.
It's one of the cardinal rules of writing, show don't tell. You can only tell the audience something when you can't imagine a way to inform them otherwise. As it stands it's just padding.
As for the fight, boring invincible hero kicks the shit out of a villain so pathetic, even knowing he's a heartless bastard I still feel sorry for him.
I didn't spell it out THAT explicitly haha. I mentioned that he'd peeled away doors and such, but never did I say that he felled a tree before to catch his victim's cars. If I took out that mention of Torn ripping up a tree before Ethan crashed his car, leaving just the tree falling by itself, I feel like the reader would've been left wondering "who put that tree there...?" and I don't want them thinking that during that particular sequence.
You are right about his girlfriend though. But, in some places, I like padding :]
You woulda hated the old ending, Ethan just squashed him before.
You are right about his girlfriend though. But, in some places, I like padding :]
You woulda hated the old ending, Ethan just squashed him before.
That was part of the story, a thing that was actually happening at the time, not mentioning it... Well that would have actually upped the suspense. In order to build the suspense it likely would have helped to cut Torn entirely from the first part, leaving his reveal the surprise. The question "Who put that tree there?" would have been answered when Torn showed up, he obviously put that tree there.
Padding is important, but padding for it's own sake is what's annoying. All of the padding here is pointless, padding just for padding's sake, and in the wrong places. If you wanted to keep people interested, you might have padded out the fight, especially considering it's the focus and could do with a little more meat to it.
Padding is important, but padding for it's own sake is what's annoying. All of the padding here is pointless, padding just for padding's sake, and in the wrong places. If you wanted to keep people interested, you might have padded out the fight, especially considering it's the focus and could do with a little more meat to it.
I agree, cutting Torn out entirely up until a big reveal would be more of a surprise, but if I did that, you'd be asking why the reader was stuck with Ethan up until Torn's appearance. I made Torn the first character the reader gets to know because I wanted the reader to hate him and get a sense of satisfaction out of his defeat.
I'd also appreciate it if you were more constructive and less condescending whenever you give critique, please.
I'd also appreciate it if you were more constructive and less condescending whenever you give critique, please.
Why do we need to hate him more? Why do we need to hate him so much?
And for that matter, if you want us to hate him like the plague, why do you let him live at the end? If he's so evil, isn't it dissatisfying to have him survive in the end, after everyone he's killed? Do human lives matter so little?
And for that matter, if you want us to hate him like the plague, why do you let him live at the end? If he's so evil, isn't it dissatisfying to have him survive in the end, after everyone he's killed? Do human lives matter so little?
Why do we need to hate him more? Why do we need to hate him so much?
Because I say so.
Why do you let him live at the end?
Because mercy is more powerful than death, and to keep it open-ended should I choose to return to it later. I've already told you this, sir.
Do human lives matter?
If they didn't matter, Ethan wouldn't have broken Torn's jaw :D
Because I say so.
Why do you let him live at the end?
Because mercy is more powerful than death, and to keep it open-ended should I choose to return to it later. I've already told you this, sir.
Do human lives matter?
If they didn't matter, Ethan wouldn't have broken Torn's jaw :D
Because a bunch of dead people will totally be avenged by giving the murderer a broken jaw and then letting him run free and clear. You know, you can recover from a broken jaw. Even if he couldn't eat people, he could still kill them, nothing stopping that. Just go somewhere else and he can start over.
Mercy is very specifically not more powerful than death. This ending counts on his shame being enough to keep him from murdering humans, when it's more likely it will cause the opposite.
Meanwhile, a dead werewolf can do jack shit to anyone, problem solved.
A good follow up would be Ethan's horrified realization that he's an idiot who just let a serial killer go because of casual racism.
Well, maybe not racism, but if he didn't spare Torn just because he's a werewolf, and human lives matter less to Ethan, then he's an idiot in the extreme.
Mercy is very specifically not more powerful than death. This ending counts on his shame being enough to keep him from murdering humans, when it's more likely it will cause the opposite.
Meanwhile, a dead werewolf can do jack shit to anyone, problem solved.
A good follow up would be Ethan's horrified realization that he's an idiot who just let a serial killer go because of casual racism.
Well, maybe not racism, but if he didn't spare Torn just because he's a werewolf, and human lives matter less to Ethan, then he's an idiot in the extreme.
Human lives matter to Ethan just as much as any other life haha. You're starting to put words in my mouth.
While this debate has been educational, I feel like it's gone on too long, especially considering that you and I have collectively written more words in the comments than in the whole story itself.
Can we put this rest, please?
While this debate has been educational, I feel like it's gone on too long, especially considering that you and I have collectively written more words in the comments than in the whole story itself.
Can we put this rest, please?
How am I putting words in your mouth? Your character Ethan flat out states that he knows Torn has killed people, he knows this. And yet, he does nothing to prevent that from happening in the future.
He beats the guy up, which would make sense if he attacked Ethan, and that was all Ethan knew of it. But Torn is a murderer, a multiple murderer, and Ethan is aware of this. But he just lets him go.
How am I putting words in your mouth?
He beats the guy up, which would make sense if he attacked Ethan, and that was all Ethan knew of it. But Torn is a murderer, a multiple murderer, and Ethan is aware of this. But he just lets him go.
How am I putting words in your mouth?
"Do human lives matter so little?"
"and human lives matter less to Ethan"
You keep assuming humans don't matter to Ethan when you have no grasp of the character beyond this one excursion. You keep instigating and I getting kinda sick of it, so I'm just gonna not reply to your next comment.
Have a nice day :D
"and human lives matter less to Ethan"
You keep assuming humans don't matter to Ethan when you have no grasp of the character beyond this one excursion. You keep instigating and I getting kinda sick of it, so I'm just gonna not reply to your next comment.
Have a nice day :D
Again, for the record, I'm merely reporting the implications of his actions. I'm not assuming anything.
He let Torn go, with no assurances that he would do anything but go right back to what he was doing. Either human lives, both the ones already lost and the ones he leaves at risk, don't matter to him, or he is blindingly stupid. I'm talking retarded janitor doesn't-know-where-babies-come-from stupid.
The reader can only infer Ethan's character from this story, and his actions therein.
This is your constructive criticism, the character is either amoral or stupid, our interpretation of him can only be known from what we read. Writing 101: We only know what we read.
In the end though, him being that stupid is the worse of the two options. Better he's a racist... Or specist, or whatever, and just doesn't realize it. That's an actual character trait, or flaw, if you believe that flaws and traits are some sort of positive negative balance sheet. Negative traits needing to be balanced against positive, one way or the other to determine whether a character is a good or bad guy.
I don't do that, I believe in traits communicating what kind of person the character is, leaving good or evil up to the reader... But then I write mostly in first person, so it's not a big deal.
You should probably go with the checkbook style of character traits. He's a racist, but he's trying not to be.
He let Torn go, with no assurances that he would do anything but go right back to what he was doing. Either human lives, both the ones already lost and the ones he leaves at risk, don't matter to him, or he is blindingly stupid. I'm talking retarded janitor doesn't-know-where-babies-come-from stupid.
The reader can only infer Ethan's character from this story, and his actions therein.
This is your constructive criticism, the character is either amoral or stupid, our interpretation of him can only be known from what we read. Writing 101: We only know what we read.
In the end though, him being that stupid is the worse of the two options. Better he's a racist... Or specist, or whatever, and just doesn't realize it. That's an actual character trait, or flaw, if you believe that flaws and traits are some sort of positive negative balance sheet. Negative traits needing to be balanced against positive, one way or the other to determine whether a character is a good or bad guy.
I don't do that, I believe in traits communicating what kind of person the character is, leaving good or evil up to the reader... But then I write mostly in first person, so it's not a big deal.
You should probably go with the checkbook style of character traits. He's a racist, but he's trying not to be.
I'm going to bitch slap you with this shoe! Ahahahaaa, this was a great read, Pup! I feel bad I hadn't had chance to check it out 'till now. Really love the fight scene and even the change-up of letting Torn flee like the whelp he is >:3 Also, I love how you write. Great workkk!
You appear to have hit me in multiple weak spots, those being A) werewolf and B) tables turned.
That said, I would recommend putting more of your characterization in action than in pejoratives. The way you describe Torn - "cur", "leering", "monster", "wretched", "evil" ... well, it reads more like caricature, or a Dickens novel. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to detest the villain because I see him doing things that offend me, not because the narrator leans in and says "He was an utter dastard, Dear Reader."
I do disagree with Russett's criticism, since you seem to make it awfully clear that Ethan was sending Torn back as a warning/example, rather than out of some act of compassion.
That said, I would recommend putting more of your characterization in action than in pejoratives. The way you describe Torn - "cur", "leering", "monster", "wretched", "evil" ... well, it reads more like caricature, or a Dickens novel. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to detest the villain because I see him doing things that offend me, not because the narrator leans in and says "He was an utter dastard, Dear Reader."
I do disagree with Russett's criticism, since you seem to make it awfully clear that Ethan was sending Torn back as a warning/example, rather than out of some act of compassion.
Ahhh, this comment made my morning when I read it haha. Thanks for taking the time to read and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
And yeah I was kinda concerned that I might be beating the reader over the head with all the monster/wretched/evil/badguywords. Buuut, with Ethan's story (and the subsequent stories I plan to write), I kinda imagined the sequences in a sort of...comic book style. I didn't know when I was writing it, but now that you've pointed it out (and that I've seen The Avengers about 29340328 more times since I bought it on DVD :B), that's what I was subconsciously going for. Guess I just need to refine a little bit haha, good catch!
And yeah, despite our disagreement, Russett pointed out a lot of valid stuff that could've been better. Everything else is just down to difference of opinion. Can't help that :v
And yeah I was kinda concerned that I might be beating the reader over the head with all the monster/wretched/evil/badguywords. Buuut, with Ethan's story (and the subsequent stories I plan to write), I kinda imagined the sequences in a sort of...comic book style. I didn't know when I was writing it, but now that you've pointed it out (and that I've seen The Avengers about 29340328 more times since I bought it on DVD :B), that's what I was subconsciously going for. Guess I just need to refine a little bit haha, good catch!
And yeah, despite our disagreement, Russett pointed out a lot of valid stuff that could've been better. Everything else is just down to difference of opinion. Can't help that :v
Holy Mossberg and a side of Smoking Kalashnikov barrels. I just finished this and I hope you turn thids Ethan fellow into a mini series. I like his kind of were. Blending in with no bad intentions, yet bad intentions find him. Oh, I havent seen ANY of your uploads since Back Sunshine. I looked in your gallery and went "What?". Anyway nice piece of literature you got here as always expected. I havent forgot that spinoff I talked about with you, I just havent had any luck with time or cash. Catcha later.
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